


Phantoms

by MelThorn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, Gen, Infiltrator (Mass Effect), Kaidan Alenko/Commander Shepard - Freeform, M/M, Mass Effect 3: Extended Cut, Paragon Commander Shepard, Shepard kills some more people, Shepard lives, Sheploo - Freeform, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Spacer (Mass Effect), after the ending - Freeform, shenko romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:03:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 71,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5038498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelThorn/pseuds/MelThorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Citadel was blasted to pieces, no one thought Shepard could have possibly made it out alive, but when the Alliance recovers him, intact and breathing, from the wreckage, things change for both the better and the worst. While Shepard is ecstatic to be reunited with his crew, a new threat looms over the horizon, one hellbent on making Shepard wish he had perished in the explosion: a fanatical group calling themselves "The Phantoms". When Shepard learns that his cybernetic implants are just as valuable to others as they are to him, he seeks to find more information about their significance, and discovers more than he thought he would. There's a race against the clock to repair the internal damage before his own time in the galaxy runs out-- for good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In This Together

**Author's Note:**

> **_This story is intended for those who have finished all three games. This explores the aftermath of the Destroy ending of Mass Effect 3, and contains many spoilers, including those for the ending of the trilogy, Arrival DLC, Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC, Leviathan DLC and Citadel DLC._ **
> 
> ~~_Unlike a lot of Mass Effect fans, I didn’t take much of an issue with the endings, aside from wondering where the hell the Normandy ended up, and if Shepard survived in the Destroy ending, did anyone manage to find him? I had a lot of questions, but I didn’t necessarily want them answered. Sometimes, I like when there’s room for someone to come to their own conclusions._~~  
>  _After playing the Mass Effect trilogy for the fourth time since starting this (and already planning on clearing a fifth), the flaws in the ending just become more and more obvious. While I don't think it's the worst ever made, I think it really could have been done better, or at the very least, give us an epilogue for closure other than the Citadel DLC. And one last big, fun hurrah._
> 
> _Initially, I had planned for this tale to follow one path, but I have since realized it's taking several turns. So now it seems to be following a few different paths at once, in true Mass Effect fashion. This story's length is also exceeding my previous expectations. This is your TL;DR warning. Don't worry, the ending will not be a Red, Blue, Green, A, B, C decision. I hope? *Gulp*_
> 
> My Mass Effect playthrough conditions for this story (to eliminate confusion for other players):  
> \- Shepard was male/Spacer/Sole Survivor/Infiltrator. His default first name, "John," is used for storytelling purposes... and the purpose of humor.  
> \- Legion and Legion No. 2 dead (from siding with quarians. I've since seen the outcome of the peace between quarians and the geth, but this outcome still works better for this particular story).  
> \- Didn't have Kasumi at the time of writing.  
> \- Didn’t have Javik at the time of writing.  
> \- Mordin dead/genophage cured.  
> \- Destroy/Red ending with perfect EMS/Shepard lives.  
> \- Shepard at full paragon in all three tales.  
> \- Citadel was the only DLC I played (other than Extended Cut for the ending) prior to starting this story. While the story was ongoing, I have purchased almost all DLC and played them.

One question. That was all Joker had in regards to their situation. One question that he knew was fruitless to ask, one that not any of the surviving crew of the Normandy could answer, one that might not ever be answered for weeks, months, or even years.

Where in the holy hell were they?

As pillars of steam snaked toward the cloudless skies from the Normandy's nose, he hoped they could get the bird back in the air; not that there was much up there to see anymore. A quick inspection of her hull revealed only slight, insignificant damage— some rakes in the metal and a few burns. He counted what few lucky stars that it wasn’t any worse than that. For all he knew, they were a nation away from the nearest port... if this planet, or whatever it was, happened to have one at all.

Joker hobbled a few steps away from the Normandy, gazing up at the treetops. Birds fluttered over them, calling out in harmonious song. Never had he thought that he would one day cherish such a shrill noise, and he was thankful he had a brain still intact in order to feel that way.

And the one he owed the thanks to was not among them.

Joker's heart plummeted all over again. Shepard. On their chase after Saren, he wouldn't have called the commander his "friend," regardless of how nice he seemed to be. He had such a serious way about him, an overachiever with an ego too big for his weird-shaped head, which, he might have written somewhere in secret when his commanding officer was ashore, looked to belong to a Russian gangster that hadn't slept in five years. That ever-growing five o'clock shadow didn't help matters, either.

Flying the Normandy for Shepard didn't seem so bad anymore after he got used to his demeanor, which, over time, got a lot less serious, even when he had a world— no, a universe counting on him. Joker might dare say he came to like the guy. Shepard had a laugh so much more distinct than any other, though it was terribly rehearsed, not to mention rare. Still, he tried. Sometimes a little too hard. Like when he tried to dance.

He had a chuckle to himself, but winced when his ribs ached. Did he make it? Shepard had to have made it. He was Commander fucking Shepard, and Commander Shepard doesn't die. The "Lazur Project," or whatever Miranda kept calling it before, was proof enough that Shepard could outlive anything. He had to have made it if they did.

 The mass relay they jumped through erupted and almost took them with it, but he had no clue as to whether or not Shepard was responsible for it. He saw the beam jump out of the mouth of the Citadel, and he watched it blaze right for them. He heard the burst behind them of the Citadel exploding into pieces, and it took more than might to turn around and go after him. Somehow, they made it out in time. Where they ended up, however, was a whole new mystery. Did humans inhabit the area? Did any of the aliens? A new, undiscovered race, maybe?

Did he even want to find out?

The sound of footsteps interrupted his thoughts. He turned toward them, seeing Kaidan emerging from the grounded Normandy. He thought Shepard looked sleepless, but Kaidan now had to have taken a sleepwalking award from their commanding officer.

Neither of them spoke for some time. They didn't need to. The same thoughts raced through both of their bruised heads. Joker managed a nod to Kaidan, but he looked too weary to return the gesture.

"You okay?" he asked Joker, his calm inflection filled with genuine courtesy.

"I think," Joker responded, lowering the rim of his hat to block the rays of the sun, which had a bit of a sharper burn than that in Sol. "I mean, she could use a new coat of paint, but..."

"You, Joker. Not the Normandy."

"What's the difference?"

Kaidan didn't appear to have it in him to smile, though he would have liked to. "I checked on the others. They seem to be in one piece, so..." he averted his eyes. "You did well."

How did such a simple conversation feel so difficult to engage in? "I looked for a bullseye to smack into, but I guess a dense jungle is the next best thing, right?" This time, Kaidan smiled, however faintly. Joker went on to more crucial matters. "Has anyone tried to contact us on the comm?"

"No. We can’t seem to get through, either." He continued to keep his eyes away from Joker's, not that Joker wanted to look him in the face, either; not with such horrible things on their minds. They both went quiet again for a breath or two.

"Kaidan..."

Kaidan's eyes veered further to the side at the sound of his name.

"Everyone is okay? Like, everyone?"

He slipped a few steps further through the foliage, away from Joker's side. He sighed. "Not exactly."

"Who? Who's hurt, what happened?"

"Most of us got up after we landed. A few have some minor injuries. Someone... well, one of us didn't get up."

Joker didn’t expect great news, but he didn’t think news more horrible than Shepard getting blasted into the stars (again) would transpire. "Well, are you going to tell me, or are you going to make me work for it?"

"EDI. There's something wrong with her."

"Wrong? What do you mean? What are you talking about?"

Kaidan put a bit more distance between them, his head bowed toward his chest. "She’s not responding, either in that body of hers or on the ship’s systems." Joker's silence allowed him to continue. "It's almost as if she shorted out or something."

His bottom lip swelled as he bit into it, and he shook his head a few times in denial. "She wouldn’t just shut down like that. I’m sure she’s okay. I might just have to go into the core and bring her back on manually."

Understanding Joker's pain, he conceded for the time being, not knowing what else to do. "Yeah. Maybe."

Next to step out of the Normandy for a breath of fresh air was Garrus, who observed the two of them in brief silence. Neither of them spoke, so he chose to open the conversation. “The comms are down. They can be repaired, but they might need some calib… um… tweaks.”

“I can help you,” Kaidan offered urgently.

“Maybe you should get some rest. Harbinger gave us a hell of a beating, and we didn’t have the most graceful landing here.”

“I’m fine. I’ll keep going until I fall over.”

“Kaidan. Go lie down.”

With a squint, he stared his companion down. “Don’t order me around, Garrus.”

Joker, who didn’t want to be involved in whatever argument might ensue (despite having once paid to see a turian and human fight each other), retreated to the Normandy. "I should go in and see EDI. Hearing my voice might help her. She’ll be back to her old self, cracking jokes at my expense in no time."

Though he didn’t have faith in that assumption, Kaidan said, "I hope you're right."

Now that they were alone together, Garrus took the time to scan the skies, which were vacant of any ships. Only birds ruled the atmosphere. “Well. When I walked away from London, I didn’t think I’d end up in a place like this. Now that it’s crossed my mind, I didn’t think I’d walk away from London at all.”

Whether it was a breeze or fear that initiated it, Kaidan shivered either way. “Can’t say I did, either.”

In all honesty, he would have preferred to stay, perhaps under Harbinger’s laser. Thinking then of that Reaper’s wrath upon them awoke memories he couldn’t shake away. When Harbinger hit them, he thought Shepard wouldn’t get to his feet. The look of the blood on his face, on his arm, the sight of his armor singed— all were signs of his permanent departure from them and the rest of the galaxy. Shepard had done enough for them, for the universe, for humanity. He should have taken his place. He should have saved him for once.

Garrus didn’t need to hear all of that. Their outlook had to remain positive, his own included.

His thoughts were interrupted by an admission from Garrus. “Liara started making a plaque.”

For a second, Kaidan’s heart forgot how to beat. “I’m not giving up on him yet.”

“I don’t want to either. Believe me. But when we saw him go up to the Citadel, we knew he wasn’t coming back.”

He hated it when Garrus was right, because as history would tell, he was right about everything. Shepard couldn’t be gone. Life couldn’t have been so cruel to him. “I can’t do this right now.” He left him on his own, boarding the Normandy without a second glance in his direction.

Garrus remained standing, watching the flocks of unnamed aviators soar the clouds. “I don’t blame you.”

\-------

Joker made for the cockpit, which on some days was his own personal bedroom, depending on the hours he was made to work in, moving as fast as his sensitive legs allowed him to. On entering, he was stunned to see the co-pilot seat occupied by EDI's silver synthetic frame, but just as Kaidan had explained, there were no signs of life in her.

No scrapes. No dings. No burns. She was simply wilted and unresponsive. Even the glowing orange visor around her eyes was now gone. Her mechanical gaze was fixed on the windshield, unmoving, staring eternally at the universe surrounding them. The sockets of her shoulders were loose, her arms dangling off to her sides. She looked to be nothing more than a soulless puppet on an invisible wire.

Joker couldn’t run, but he sure could try. In the fastest hobble he could pull off, he raced for the elevator, taking it down to the crew deck, stumbling his way into the med bay, passing Dr. Chakwas, who saw the turmoil across his features.

“Jeff?” she called to him. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s EDI.” He didn’t feel a need to elaborate. Dr. Chakwas was a marvel of medicine, but a tech expert she was not.

Though she couldn’t lend her aid, she could give him his support. “Is she all right?”

“I don’t know. I have to check her core.” He had the door open before he could even finish that sentence. Once he was inside, he witnessed a most perplexing sight: the blue lights that normally emanated from EDI’s computers were now blinking in a shade of blood red. Every once in a while, a current of red static would course up the sides of the metal. “What the shit?” he whispered, not daring to get any closer to the mysterious crimson glow.

That red light looked awfully like the one that burst from the mouth of the Citadel. It was the same sparking, translucent beacon that chased them through the mass relay. It was what eventually brought the Normandy down.

That iridescent beam came from the Crucible.

“No,” he denied, hunching over the console connected to EDI’s core. He tried his very best to get her back online, but the virtual monitor never appeared. “Come on, girl,” he begged, growing more desperate by the second. He performed a manual reset of the systems, but the blinking red lights persisted no matter what he attempted. “EDI, please!” Everything he tried was in vain. She was gone, and wasn’t coming back.

Toughing out Vrolik's Syndrome was nowhere near the kind of pain that rent him in the moment he realized all lights in EDI had died out. All he could think to do was drop to the floor, hug his aching knees against his chest, and weep.

In the moment he held onto his memories of her as he watched the pulsing red light begin to dim and fade, he thought he might be able to contain the emotions that wanted nothing more than to burst free from the depths of his heart, but despite being the greatest pilot in the universe, he was nowhere near as great at concealing his hurt. He wept enough tears to fill dried riverbeds, and it still couldn't relieve him. Grief was a whole new agony that rivaled the breaking of several bones at once. Grief was a pain that medicine couldn't cure.

Years ago, he would have laughed at the fool that told him he would cry over a synthetic, but now he didn’t think he ever mourned a fellow human this hard. As he spent EDIs last few moments with her as the blinks began to slow and the room went dark, he leaned against the core machines, whispering, “I’m so sorry.”

The door then hissed open, but he couldn't find the strength to lift his head to greet whoever entered. EDI was all that mattered now. EDI, the one who never failed to stand beside him, even when risking her own synthetic life to do so. EDI, who loved watching him flail about like an idiot in an attempt to do what people called "dancing". EDI, who was the greatest friend he ever had. EDI, who surprised him by showing that she was just as interested in loving him as he was loving her.

"What happened?” Joker recognized it as Kaidan’s voice.

"I... I don't know." He sniffed. "She was there, beside me, when we went through the relay. And she was fine. Before we crashed... she was looking at me. It couldn't have been the crash that did this. She's tougher than that.”

"She won’t come back on at all?"

“No. She’s gone.” He fought off a few more tears, then shakily rose to his feet. “This might be a long shot, but maybe it has something to do with what happened at the Crucible. That red light that came out of the citadel. It looked a lot like the red lights that were moving around her core a second ago. Whatever Shepard did up there… I think it killed her.”

He wished he could give Joker solace on that matter, but when it was all said and done, he had just as much information about the Crucible as he did. The only one who could tell them what happened was the one who laid resting with it. And the chance that he survived was…

Kaidan took a deep, cleansing breath, hoping he could curb his sorrow in order to continue helping Joker. It didn’t work as well as he’d hoped. “He wouldn’t have killed EDI.”

“Maybe he didn’t have a choice.”

“He always had a choice to do the right thing.”

Joker, with shaking hands, pulled his hat off and brushed his hair back. “Is that what you thought about his decision to kill Ashley instead of you?”

How could he even mention that? Now, of all times? “That was different, Joker. And you know it was. What happened on Virmire wasn’t his fault.”

“Really. Everyone on this ship knew Shepard liked you. Hell, more than liked you. It seemed like you were the only one clueless to it.”

“I wasn’t clueless. I just wasn’t ready to—”

“And then when it comes time to choose between you and someone else loyal to him, he picks Ashley to take the bullet, right off the bat, without any hesitation. Do you really think, truly feel, from the bottom of your heart, that he made the ‘right choice’ then?”

Kaidan rolled his shoulders back, his back stiffening. “Joker, listen. I know you’re hurting right now, and I know we’re in a really awful situation. But we can’t point fingers without knowing all of the facts. Shepard was not to blame for Virmire. I was. And I’ll be damned before I blame him for Ash’s death.” Joker went quiet, and Kaidan paced the room. “I could have held out on my own. I could have taken those geth. I should never have told him I’d arm the bomb, because I knew he’d come for me then. I was terrified of facing that threat alone. I wanted him with me. I wanted his comfort, for him to be there and tell me we’d be okay. I put pressure on him for all the wrong reasons. I killed Ash, Joker. And I have to live with that.”

Limping off to the nearest wall and leaning on it for support, Joker let out a sigh. “Okay. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought that up, but you said yourself you knew he’d come for you. Look. All I’m saying is that it’s not inconceivable that he would play favorites. I love the man. Maybe not as much as you, but I respect him. Of course, that doesn’t mean he’d always make the right choice when faced with a threat. We can all talk about doing the ‘right thing’, Kaidan, but when we’re out there, and our asses and our loved ones’ asses are on the line… we might forget what the ‘right thing’ is.”

It was a fine point. He had accused Shepard of going astray when Cerberus saved his life. He owed Cerberus for giving Shepard his heartbeat back, but for all the right they had done, they had done a million more wrongs. He pointed in Shepard’s face, accused him of being a traitor, and he was wrong. He could have stood beside him, could have helped him. When the news got out that Shepard had destroyed the Collector base, he thought he would feel glad, but he was only plagued with shame and guilt. Shepard always saw the best in him, always had faith in his potential, and he shot him down like a hunter did an elk. After all of that, Shepard still forgave him. On Horizon, Kaidan had been the one to make the wrong choice. Shepard was never disloyal to him, not for a second. His belief in him was as strong as ever.

Knowing just how easy it was for him to turn on a man he admired and cared so much for, Joker’s statement made a little too much sense. Maybe even a soul as kind as John Shepard’s could be twisted when faced with the horrors of reality. Maybe he was right. Maybe EDI was dead because of him. Many other lives had been taken by him in the past, with little thought or remorse. People really were, regardless of what they strived to be, people in essence. If he had acted in fear before, Shepard might have done the same.

“We can’t ask him what happened,” Kaidan concluded. “And until we can…”

Joker glanced away from him regretfully. “I know. I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.”

Before the conversation could get any tenser, Kaidan decided to walk out. As he stepped into the med bay, Joker said one final thing:

“I hope he’s okay. Really, I do.”

Kaidan’s heart sank into his stomach, but he was grateful to him for still caring for Shepard after everything he might have done. “And if there’s a synthetic heaven… EDI would definitely be allowed into it.”

“Yeah,” he choked. “She would be.”

“Do you need anything, Jeff?”

“Uh, yeah, if you’ve got a gun, I could use one.”

“That’s not funny.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be.” He shook his head. “Just leave me alone with her for a while.” Kaidan didn’t heed his words at first, so he sighed and told him, “I’ll be fine. Go.”

For now, he had to believe him. He stepped out, and the door latched shut behind him. Once he saw Dr. Chakwas’ wide, concerned eyes, he told her what materialized. She lamented with a brief bow of the head.

“I hoped we might have all made it out alive,” she admitted. “EDI didn’t deserve to go. And Jeff… there aren’t any words for how sorry I feel for him now. He’s been through enough in life. EDI was his chance at a bit more freedom to express himself.”

“It surprised me to see him so interested in her. He always talked about the Normandy like it was his throne. The fact an AI shared it with him…”

“You weren’t here to see it, but he hated her at first. Couldn’t wait to get rid of her, in fact. To watch them grow on one another was strangely heartwarming.” Dr. Chakwas took a moment to meet glances with Kaidan, who was greener than the jungle they had landed in. She knew he might not want to discuss it now, but they might not get another chance to talk about it.

"You were with Shepard,” she addressed in her usual softness. “On the front lines, in London."

His throat bobbed as he swallowed. "I was. He wouldn't let me come with him to the Crucible. He... he just..." His face bunched up, and he closed his eyes. “He just left me.”

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'm sure he was thinking of you. Especially of saving your life."

“I know he was. I know that if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t even be here right now. And I know that I’m proud of him.”

Her heartwarming smile was just as calming as her cures. “It’s funny, you know. I always thought it would be you he’d end up with.”

His mouth opened and hung there, distended for a few seconds. “Huh? Why?”

“Back when he first became a Spectre, he came to me every day, asking about you, checking up on the status of your implant. He kept offering me help if I needed any with you. I thought it was odd at first. But then it started to make a lot of sense. He cared about you, more than anyone else on the crew.” She chuckled, suddenly filled with elderly mirth. “Don’t tell the others I said that.”

Fighting off the waterworks, Kaidan told her, “I don’t think it’s much of a secret.”

“I always told him to go speak to you about your health, rather than myself. He’d always act as if he didn’t hear me. By the fifth time he asked about how your implant was holding up, I’d about had enough of him.” The light on her face dwindled, as did her smile. “When the shore party arrived from Horizon, I thought it was the Collector’s attack on the colony he was broken up about. Which he was. But when he mentioned running into you, I could tell it affected him a lot more. After the incident on Mars… well, I hadn’t seen him that upset before. It was unsettling.”

“You saw him when we got back from Mars?”

“When you were at Huerta, I was there, with Dr. Michel. We were helping some of the wounded soldiers that would come in from the war. He came in every single day. Sometimes he stayed all night. He paced the corridor like some agitated krogan, asking every doctor he saw about your condition. I think he might have paid one of them. As if being Commander Shepard isn’t enough to make a simple request.” She ended that thought with a short chuckle.

“I…” He ended the thought there. He thought he could handle this conversation, but for now, he wasn’t strong enough. “Thanks for talking to me, doc. How’s your arm?”

“It’s nothing a little medi-gel can’t fix. Besides, we have bigger issues to deal with, I’m afraid.”

 _Afraid_ was a good way of putting it. “You’re right. I should see how the comms are coming along.” He left her then, his mind busier than it was before he came in. He wouldn’t declare Shepard dead. Not yet. There was still hope, and if he knew Shepard, he would get up, brush it all off like nothing happened, and stride through flames when the smoke was at its thickest. That’s what he loved so much about him. Nothing in the galaxy could take him down. Not even a six thousand foot reaper.

Kaidan wandered out onto the crew deck, passing a few other members of the ship’s crew that were checking each other for wounds. He then climbed aboard the elevator and took it back down to the combat center, tracing Garrus’ steps into the war room. When he found him, he was standing at the vid comm’s termianl beside Tali, who was feverishly inspecting the connections.

“Any luck?” asked Kaidan, hopeful.

“Some,” announced Tali with pride. “The cables came loose on the impact. They need some reconnecting. That means having to crawl inside the ducts.”

“I’m going to call ‘not it’ on that one,” chimed in Garrus.

“Keelah,” she growled. “I’ll do it. I can probably do a better job, anyway.”

“What do you need from me?” Kaidan asked.

“Don’t worry about it, Kaidan. You look tired.”

He was indeed tired. If he dropped onto any bed, he’d be out for at least a day. “I know, but…”

“Go get some rest. We’ll let you know if we make any progress.”

There wasn’t any need to look to Garrus for confirmation. He was already familiar with that look he was giving him now. He saw it many times when Sovereign attacked the Citadel. Finally, he gave in to what was necessary. “All right. I will. Thanks, Tali.”

“And, Kaidan… I’m sorry. He won’t ever be forgotten. He’s done so much, for all of us, and… well, I know how close you were.”

“It’s okay.” It, of course, wasn’t okay. It was far from okay. He didn’t know how much longer he could hold onto his hope if everyone else insisted that he dispose of it. He only wished he had been as ready as everyone else was to accept Shepard’s fate. It would be so much easier if he could let him go, mourn his loss, and move on.

Regardless of whether or not he agreed with them, he took their advice and shuffled to the elevator, which he rode to Shepard’s abandoned cabin. Everything in the room breathed of Shepard’s presence, and every solitary thing was just as he had left it. It was as if he were there moments ago, resting beside him in his bed, holding him, twitching in his sleep from those nightmares he had been having.

After pouring some pellets into the hamster’s food bowl, he looked in at the tiny ball of fuzz, which was secluded inside of its habitat. He didn’t blame him one bit. He felt the exact same way. He passed the aquarium, where even the fish looked languid, floating listlessly on the surface of the water. On closer inspection, Kaidan saw that they were, in fact, dead. This didn’t help to put his mind, or heart, at ease.

He next drifted by Shepard’s closet, which had a unique, however minuscule selection of outfits. Shepard never was the dressy sort. From what he recalled, he always strutted around in that damn hooded jacket with his rank label on it. He was awfully proud of that thing; at least, he acted like it. In the corner of the room was an unspecified box, which Shepard had been apparently packing, and from the looks of it, had been doing so recently. Kaidan’s eyes were heavy, but were also alight with curiosity. He leaned over the open box, peering inside at its contents.

Resting on the very top was a datapad. Kaidan retrieved it and scrolled through several of the electronic pages. On each one was what looked like an attempt at poetry. Bad poetry. In his own pleasant way, Shepard tried to sum up his line of work and dealing with the Reapers in a few short lines. This couldn’t possibly be achieved even by a skilled poet, let alone an N7 solider.

Somehow, the fact that it was terrible made it all the more heartwarming. Shepard was good at many things: shooting bad guys, shooting bad synthetics, shooting exploding crates, and of course the uncanny ability to drive that Mako. To see that he had a few flaws that he tried to hide made him that much more lovable in Kaidan’s eyes. In his imperfection, he was perfect to him. He would never have done a thing to change him.

Also inside the box was a huge chunk of rock, which looked to be iridium. Why he kept it, he would never know. It didn’t look the least bit valuable.

Toward the bottom of the box was a pedestal with many wires snaking out of it; plugs of some sort. Of all of the trinkets in the box, it was the largest item. As he removed it from its hiding spot, it became clear what the object was. It was a VI.

“What were you doing with this thing?” Kaidan asked Shepard’s ghost, which might or might not have been present. He set the pedestal on the floor, and after connecting a few cords, a holographic likeness of Shepard sparked to life, shaded an unsightly color of fuchsia, and wearing a permanent friendly smile.

Kaidan hadn’t spent much time in the past talking to VIs. They were all nothing but computer programs with voices, nothing like the complex minds and thoughts of EDI and other synthetics like her. They usually only told you collections of information that could only be considered useful when you needed it around, and repeated it when necessary.

But this he couldn’t dismiss as a simple computerized tour guide. It had Shepard’s face. It had his voice. It had his smile. It had everything but his personality. Kaidan parted his lips as he wondered what the hell he would say to it. It felt silly to tell it he loved it. It wasn’t Shepard, after all. Just his likeness. However, seeing him standing there in that flickering glow, moving and shifting in the same way Shepard used to, he wanted to hear it speak to him, even if it said nothing but nonsense.

He took a seat on the edge of Shepard’s bed, staring at the vacant eyes of the hero’s virtual twin. They weren’t as blue as the real Shepard’s. Hell, they weren’t blue at all. “Hi.” It was all he could think of to say. When it came out of his mouth, it sounded so childlike, and he was grateful no one was around to hear it.

“Hello! I’m Commander Shepard, and I’m here to take out the Reapers!”

Kaidan laughed and cried, simultaneously. Clearly the Shepard VI had seen little to no beta testers, and yet it could not have been any more accurate when it came to Shepard’s wonderful enthusiasm. “Did you do it?” he asked it. “Did you take them out?”

“The odds of success are ten thousand four hundred twenty-seven to one, but if anyone can do it, it’s me! After all, I died once and came back just to kick Reaper butt!”

Through a pair of raining rivers coursing over his face, Kaidan smiled. “I know. You didn’t disappoint anyone.”

“Did you know that Citadel Souvenirs is my favorite store on the Citadel? I endorse them one hundred percent!”

This had to have been the stupidest VI Kaidan had ever spoken to, but he didn’t have it in him to shut it off. “Didn’t you endorse every store on the Citadel?”

The VI processed that information. Then it changed subjects, continuing in its mechanical tin can voice. “Reapers are two whole kilometers in length! If you were to sit on top of one, you could see my house from there! But really, don’t sit on top of one.”

He laughed again. He had to hand it to whoever programmed it: they had a sense of humor. Maybe it really was like Shepard, considering it would change subjects whenever it couldn’t answer a question. “I miss you,” he told it, knowing full well that saying this wouldn’t matter in the slightest. “I don’t know how long it’s been. Hours maybe. I don’t even think it’s been a whole day. It feels like eternity. I know there’s a slim chance in finding you. I know that you’re… probably gone, forever. I lost you too soon. We all did.”

The VI flickered a moment. “Remember to enlist in the Alliance military! Commander Shepard wants _you_ to come help in the big fight! Don’t let the Reapers get the better of us, and let’s take back Earth!”

It was no help, though he figured it wouldn’t be. The thing was too soulless. Still, hearing his voice let him get through the mourning he needed. Though the VI wasn’t Shepard, he left it on as a therapeutic aid, and lied upon the bed while staring through its holographic figure, weeping quietly to himself.

It was time to let the wound heal. It was time to get the pain over with. Shepard had saved them all, and he died doing so. He had to face that fact and live with it, just as he had to live with Ash’s death, one he also couldn’t help denying for so long. When he at last sobbed his heart out and said his goodbyes, it was a bittersweet torment. He couldn’t have been prouder of John Shepard, and he would go on the rest of his life loving him just as much as he always had.

The bed— which still had Shepard’s distinct aroma of a mainstream line of body wash (handed out in discreet free samples to those in the military), mixed with a hint of sweat— softened the longer he spent time in it, and the crying had worn him out enough to knock him out into a much-needed nap. The flicker of the Shepard VI gave him the comfort he required, despite not being able to keep him warm as he slept.

“I command the Normandy,” the VI cheered as Kaidan’s eyes closed. “With the best crew in the entire universe, filled with humans and aliens alike. We’re all in this together!”


	2. Time To Go

An echo of cheers surrounded Shepard as he entered his apartment, where a party in his honor for defeating the Reaper threat was being thrown.

Shepard laughed as his friends gathered around him, whooping and applauding, practically smothering him with approval. In the crowd were familiar faces: Kaidan, the man he loved in all possible ways, who might have been clapping the hardest and beaming with adoring pride; Garrus, his would-be turian brother, who was slapping him on the shoulder; Liara and that weird Glyph thing he still didn’t understand; Tali, who looked to be getting in line to hug him and would stop at nothing until she could; James, who was giving him too hulking thumbs up and egging the crowd on.

Joker and EDI, standing side by side, with Joker yelling something incoherent and probably amusing; Miranda, who for some reason had more clothes on than usual; Wrex and Grunt, who were both slamming their fists into their hands and growling with excitement rather than cheering; Jack, who had her arms folded and her chin high; Samara, who was nodding with approval with eyes aglow; Jacob, who was giving EDI and the krogan a wide birth; even Mordin was there, his hundreds of wrinkles spread into a big, toothy smile. Wait. Mordin? Wasn’t he dead? And Thane… what was he doing there? And was that Ashley? It was! Ashley was there! He couldn’t have been happier.

Finally, with a joyous announcement, he told them all to spread out and stop hogging his oxygen. They obeyed him, as they did in every other matter, even in ones they might not have agreed with him on.

“Speech! Speech! Speech!” chanted James. The others joined in until Shepard calmed them with a wave or two.

“All right, all right!” in the heat of battle, and having suffered through horrors for the past few years, he never had time to write up a speech. Sure, he wrote a bunch of little poems that he was too embarrassed to admit doing, but speeches were always those on-the-fly sort of things. Salarians seemed to be damned good at them. He wondered if Mordin would give him pointers.

“Well, what else can I say, other than you were all the best crew I could have asked for?” Many of them smiled, some cooed with “awww”s and clicks of the tongue. If Garrus was smiling, he wished he could determine that. He always had to hear his voice to know what he was thinking. Or watch him shoot someone. “Everyone looks up to me, praises me for being some kind of savior. But it’s really all of you that make me what I am. It’s you that brought me to this point. It’s all of you that lift me up and give me this chance to be more than a commander of the Normandy… but a friend, to every one of you. You all made me very proud to call you my crew.”

“Oh man, stop it, Loco!” James demanded, giving his arms a few flexes. His T-shirt looked ready to rip apart. Why did he wear them so small? “You’re gonna make me cry, god damn it!”

“I mean every word of it, James. And I’m sorry I bloodied your nose before.”

“Yeah, well… same to you. In fact, you kinda look like shit right now. Like an entire city landed on top of you.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Maybe your big head will deflate now,” Garrus weighed in. “If that were possible.”

“Don’t encourage that,” Kaidan said. “I like his head the way it is.”

“Hah,” laughed Wrex. “Speak for yourself.”

“Shepard,” Mordin cut in, interrupting the others, who all suddenly dropped to a dead hush. “Had suspicions. Had doubts. Saw incredible odds against you. Feared the absolute worst, yet somehow, you showed to have strength of armies. Saved millions. Billions. Trillions. Did the impossible. Now…” He inhaled through his nose. “Time to go.”

Shepard looked into the black globes that were Mordin’s eyes. “Go?” He looked to the crowd, and saw now that everyone had their backs turned to him. “Guys?” he called to them. None of them looked, for they all seemed to be focused on something hanging over the fireplace. He stepped closer and inspected what they all had their eyes on: a portrait of his face, which was partially shadowed. He the noticed that everyone had candles in their hands, and no one had it in them to speak.

“Shepard. Time to go.”

He spun toward Mordin. Thane stood to his left. On Thane’s left was Ashley. Then there stood Legion. Where had he been? He wasn’t there a second ago. Up from behind them stepped one last familiar figure: Anderson.

“He’s right, son,” he said to Shepard, who was backing up toward the mourning crowd of gatherers, shaking his head. “Come on, Shepard. It’s okay. You’ve done all you can do for them.” He reached out for him, palm turned up, ready to take hold of Shepard’s.

Shepard continued to inch back. “I can’t. I can’t leave them.”

“They’ll be okay, son. You saved them.”

“They need me.”

“Shepard.” Anderson approached him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “They’ll move on. They’ll have families, homes, colonies because of you. You’ve done all you can.”

“But…” Shepard found it difficult to believe that this really was the end. After all he had done, he didn’t get many chances to say goodbye. That was all he wanted. To say goodbye. He looked one last time to the Normandy crew, who were still huddled around his portrait. Kaidan looked over his shoulder at him, yearning and desperation in his eyes. “Kaidan…”

“Will always remember you.”

He didn’t fight Anderson off. Instead, he agreed to his conditions with a nod. He didn’t like it, but he knew it had to be done. He deserved a rest. He earned one. As he nodded, Anderson released his shoulder and joined Mordin and the others waiting for him, who all gave Shepard a beckoning wave before exiting the apartment through a door that led to a stream of cascading cerulean light with tendrils of white mist surrounding it. Before he followed them, he glanced at Kaidan, who was giving him a tearful smile. Then he rushed to his side, grabbed him and embraced him as tight as he could. He felt the warmth of his arms around him, and he lavished in that glorious sensation, locking up the moment and securing it forever.

“I hope you’re okay,” he prayed.

“I am,” Kaidan swore. “Because of you.”

“I love you. I’ll always love you.”

Their embrace broke, and Kaidan looked him in the eye. “I love you too.”

Shepard tilted his chin and kissed him on the lips. He would never forget how wonderful it felt to kiss him, how ecstatic it made him. He hoped that whatever happened to Kaidan, he would find nothing but happiness throughout his life.

When their lips parted, he whispered one final, “Goodbye.” He clasped Kaidan’s hands, which squeezed around his own. Then he let him go. He let them all go. As he backed away toward the door, they all looked toward him and brought their hands up to their foreheads in a powerful united salute. He smiled, and saluted them back.

On his way to the blue mist swirling into the doorway to his apartment, he smelled something—a hint of charred metal and thick smoke. The closer he got to the door, the more powerful the aroma got. The cobalt glow faded, until it alternated completely to a devilish red.

A bellowing cry of thick, thundering bass blasted his eardrums, and he recognized the sound well: a Reaper. He clapped his hands over his ears, shouting out in surprise and pain. The walls shook, the windows shattered, and he was thrown off his feet. With a high-pitched wail, the Reaper’s cannon fired and streamed in through the doorway. Shepard leapt out of the way before it could singe him to a crisp. As he lie flattened on his stomach upon the floor, he looked up to see the blast had disintegrated the walls into rubble, and every member of his surviving crew were either burned or dismembered.

He was too horrified to scream, too wrought with terror to call for help, as if that would do any good if he had. That’s when the floor gave way, smashing apart into bricks and hunks of cement, and he fell, smacking into sections of the building on his way down. The fall seemed to go on forever, as though there were no ground to crash into, or if there had been, it would be a very long time before he’d hit it. He was getting blown out of the Normandy again, descending to his fatal collision with the planet below.

“Shepard!” hollered a voice in the distance. He had never heard it before, but he hung onto it regardless.

He crashed, rolled, and smacked into more chunks of rubble, until at long last he smashed onto the bottom of the pit, debris raining around him on all sides, impaling the ground with heavy booms.

“Commander! Shepard!” That voice again. Who was that?

A river snaked down his face, over his mouth; into his mouth. Blood, and lots of it. His arm was pulsing and zapping with fiery pain. His legs were stiff and refused to move. His skull felt as though it had been cracked like an egg. His lungs fought against him as he tried to breathe. His back and ribs burned and pinched his insides.

He had been shot before. He had _died_ before. Nothing compared to the incendiary pain he was now suffering. He had a hundred scars to speak of, and now a hundred more.

“Commander John Shepard!” That voice had a faint fizzle to it, that of a blaring speaker.

As he peered up at the sea of stars above him, he saw the sky had been blazed with a tinge of red. It was a beautiful sight, though he didn’t quite understand why.

“I think I found something!”

Shepard’s eyes flew open, the sound of clutter collapsing mixed with drips and humming pulsing through him like a heartbeat. He looked skyward, just as he had a moment ago, but he couldn’t see past the layers of broken walls that had formed a unique hutch around his broken body.

Was this reality? Or was he having yet another of his nightmares? The shocking agony he was in was all too constant to be in his mind. He gasped for another breath. A third, then a fourth. Each inhale pierced him, burned his lungs and bent his ribs. He groaned, reaching for his chest to hold it, feeling it might have been his only option to soothe it. It only exacerbated the ache.

For several moments, he completely forgot where he was or what he set out to do. After a few more stabbing breaths, he began to recall it. The Catalyst. It asked him to make a choice. And he made it.

He only had the Catalyst’s word to go on that shooting that red tube would destroy the Reapers, and he had every reason to believe he would be going with them. After all, it even told him he was partly synthetic and might end up in the galaxy’s proverbial junkyard along with every other synthetic. How? How could he still be breathing?

His thoughts immediately went to the Normandy. Though it caused him great pain to do so, he raised his hand to his ear and pressed in on the comm channel. As he tried to speak, he coughed up a mouthful of blood. “Normandy,” he croaked, then coughed again. He gurgled as more of his own blood slid down toward his lungs, which already had enough fluid in them as it was. “C-come in, Normandy. J-joker…”

There was no response, other than a hiss of crackling static. He wasn’t sure if this meant the comms were broken, or if the Normandy was. Either way, it was horrible news. Joker was the best pilot there was, and if anyone could have gotten them out of the blast in time, it was him. Still, he worried, adding to the discomfort he was already in.

He released his ear, unable to retain the energy to hold his arm up anymore. As he moved his elbow, the burning around it grew more intense. He didn’t want to look at whatever sickening damage his body might have endured. For all he knew, his legs were twisted backwards, his hips were in the wrong direction, and his brains were all over the concrete he was lying upon.

The screech of metal made his heart jump as a pillar leaned over and dropped onto its side, kicking up a cloud of dust as it landed. He trembled, both from how cold his skin was, and from torrential fear. He faced a Reaper, head on, and shot it in the eyeball, but this he couldn’t handle. When staring down an enemy, he was no coward. When alone and drifting off into death, he had only his rotting mind to spend his last moments with. Who knew how long this would take? Toppled beams beams and supports creaked overhead from the stress of the weight, threatening to crash in on him. He would have preferred the Citadel had blown him away, or the Reapers, for that matter. Anything but being crushed to death.

“Over here!”

Shepard gasped once more, turning his eyes to the source of the voice. The blast of a passing ship screamed overhead, followed by another. A fleet was formed directly above him. Footsteps were coming toward him now, and muffled voices began to speak behind a stack of slanted rocks and busted walls. Puddles splashed under the thumping of heavy boots.

He quaked again, no longer in fear, but in excitement. “Here,” he called with his raspy throat. He knew it wasn’t loud enough, so he struggled to repeat it. He coughed up some blood to clear the way for more words.

“You hear that?” uttered a voice nearby.

Another said, “Shh.”

Shepard drew breath, and with all his might, cried out, “Over here!”

“Oh my god,” said the first voice. “That’s him!”

“Let’s get this wall down, now! Move it, move it!” The same voice that yelled to his squad followed up with more calming words. “Hang in there, Commander. We’re here to get you out of there.”

He watched and listened as his saviors began cutting through the wall he was trapped behind, sustaining his breath the best he could to keep from injuring himself further. Beneath the sound of the sparking cutter, he heard the man speak into his comm.

“Admiral. We found him… yes. He’s alive.”

 

\----------

 

The coffee Kaidan sipped on was nowhere near as good as the stuff he tried on the old SR-1. Cerberus had thought of everything when they rebuilt the Normandy: free-thinking AI, engine overhauls, mass effect shield upgrades, more comfortable bedding… and a cheap, used coffee maker that spat out oil rather than java. That was Cerberus for you. They were too busy focused on the big guns and not enough about the people using them.

 _They couldn’t even clone Shepard correctly,_ Kaidan reminded himself, somewhat amused by the thought. He wondered how the Reaper threat might have been contained if Shepard’s clone took over. The short answer was, it probably wouldn’t be.

The massive table he sat at was less busy than it usually was. Everyone was huddled near the elevator door, standing at the memorial wall. He heard some of them whimpering, sniffling, and saying final words. He thought he’d be ready after the rest he had gotten, but his dreams had kept him partially awake for the few hours he got shuteye. In them, he saw Shepard sprinting down the corridors of a hollowed out Reaper shell, panicking, searching desperately for an exit before his mind was lost to indoctrination. Before he woke, Kaidan had called to him, and Shepard faced him at the sound of his voice. His expression was that of both relief and surprise.

Over the course of the war, he had many dreams about Shepard, but none felt as vivid and real as that last one. He didn’t just see Shepard, but he felt him. When he woke up, that sense lingered. It could have just been wishful thinking, hoping that it meant something, hoping Shepard was alive. But he also couldn’t shake just how intense and real it all was. If he was alive, did he need his help? Was he in danger? Was he hurt? He was already stressed enough from grief, but thinking that Shepard was in a situation he couldn’t escape made things much worse.

Liara appeared from around the corner, and approached him with delicate steps, wringing her hands together. Kaidan looked at her, rings of sleeplessness under his eyes. “It’s time,” she informed cautiously.

“Liara… I don’t know if I can.”

“He’d want you to be there with us. He wouldn’t want to see you moping around like this.”

“I know. That doesn’t change anything.”

Liara took a seat in front of him, resting her arms on the table, interlocking her fingers. “Kaidan. Do you remember my mother?”

“Of course. Benezia.”

She nodded. “Things were not always wonderful between us. But I found I thought a lot more about her after she died. So much so, that it disrupted my involvement in searching for the Conduit. I almost failed Shepard. I almost failed all of you. I thought about leaving the Normandy after it happened.”

“You never told me this.”

“I didn’t see a reason to. After I said my goodbyes, and after some time, I focused on what needed to be done. When I found out she had joined Saren, I was angry at her. But after I learned she had been indoctrinated, it was much harder to let go of her. She called me her Little Wing before she went. She had not called me that for a long time.”

“I’m sorry, Liara.”

She reached for his hand. He placed it into hers, and she gave it a gentle squeeze. “Sometimes, we have to realize when grief is clouding our vision. I don’t want that for you. Shepard wouldn’t have wanted that for you.”

“I know he wouldn’t. But… I don’t know. Something doesn’t feel right.”

“It’s just the emptiness. It’ll go away.”

“No. It’s not that. It’s something else.”

She gave him a motherly sigh, then rose out of her seat. “I understand how hard it is to accept it. But this wouldn’t be the same without you.”

He lowered his face into his palm, pinching the bridge of his nose, squeezing tears back into his eyes. “Okay. I’ll… I’ll be right there.”

Before she walked away, she gave his back a comforting pat, then headed for the memorial wall where the others were waiting. Kaidan looked into his half-empty mug at the black non-coffee inside of it, then he shoved the cup away and stood, following her out into the main corridor, where he saw all members of the crew waiting for him. Garrus had a rectangular plaque in his hands, and he looked to Kaidan when he appeared. Then he presented the plaque to him, holding it out for him to take.

“I have to put it up there,” he confirmed with him.

“Seems only fitting,” he verified.

Kaidan reached for the slab and gripped it with weak fingers, nearly dropping it when Garrus let go. It was heavier than it looked, or his strength had evaporated with Shepard’s departure. He saw many of the others hang their heads when he took it, preparing themselves for that final moment. As he stared down at that bold white name sprawled across the plaque, it blurred and turned fuzzy, burning his eyes. There it was, ready to be hung up on the wall, ready to be honored and remembered, to be seen every time they passed by that wall:

 

**Commander Shepard**

 

The fires of hope burned within him, brighter and more powerful than before.

_The Citadel is gone, but you will never be. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met. Stronger than ten men combined. You’re stronger than a Reaper, a fleet of them. You didn’t just command us. You made us work together. You were there to listen when we needed you. You showed us we could do it, that we could go on. I’m so lucky to know you, and serving under you was the greatest time of my life._

_I know you wouldn’t have had it my way, Shepard. But I still would have followed you to hell and back. I would be with you through those gates if you had let me. I would have fought to the death for you, to protect you. And I would do so even if only for your name. I’ll go on fighting for you, even if it renders me helpless, limbless, or lifeless._

_For you, Shepard, I’ll never give up._

He placed his hand over the name of the greatest man he had come to know, dragging a soft palm over it as he would his face. Somewhere, deep within him, he could almost hear the distant voice of their commander calling them.

He smiled, looking up at the memorial wall where the blank space for Shepard’s name would go. Then he clutched the plaque against his chest, as though he had been hugging Shepard himself. They would call him crazy, tell him his biotic implant was loose again, or that he had seen too much death to be in a healthy state of mind, but he couldn’t place the plaque when he could still clearly see his face and hear his voice. It was as though he had been there with them, watching them declare his own demise.

“Kaidan?” Garrus said, leaning toward him and lowering his voice. “I can do it if it’s too hard for you.”

“Wait,” he whispered back to him.

Garrus didn’t inquire what exactly he was supposed to be waiting for. The other members of the crew were also watching him now, curious and expectant.

The elevator door opened, and they all turned to see who their visitor was. Traynor now stood among them, her head high. “Sorry for interrupting,” she addressed. “But the vid comm is working. I just spoke to Admiral Hackett. The Reapers were destroyed.”

“Yes!” cheered James, the only one of them that had it in him to express any gusto. “I knew Loco could do it!”

“Did he say anything else?” Kaidan asked eagerly, turning away from the wall.

“He said the mass relays were down as well.”

“The mass relays were Reaper technology,” Garrus explained. “With the Reapers and Citadel gone, it makes sense. It only begs the question how anyone is going to travel now.”

“They probably won’t be traveling at all,” Liara nervously added.

“You mean we’re stuck here?” James pouted. “If we have to repopulate this planet, I call dibs on Tali.”

“Bosh’tet,” snarled Tali, moving farther away from him.

“That’s not all,” Traynor interjected. “Parts of the Citadel have landed all over Earth and some on Jupiter. A few hit Luna. There are other pieces just floating around the Sol System. They’re able to search through them now. He said he’s going to try his best to find Shepard.”

“It’d be nice to give him a proper funeral,” said Garrus, though it didn’t sound easy to say.

“I’d like to speak to the Admiral,” Kaidan said to Traynor. He held up Shepard’s name plate up to the group. “I’m not putting this up until I know.” He didn’t think they’d be in agreement, but they all nodded. They decided to join him in the war room, and though not all of them could stand comfortably in the comm room, they all crammed together and gathered around the control panel.

Kaidan sent out a message for a vid comm interaction with Hackett, which didn’t take long to get a response. Hackett appeared before them in an electric blue hologram, and his look of surprise was an amusing sight.

“Normandy,” he greeted when seeing the crew clustered together like a pile of ants. “Good to see you all in one piece.” It was intended to be a joke, but none of them could laugh.

“Admiral,” responded Garrus with a respectful nod of the head. “What’s our causalities look like?”

“We sustained a lot of heavy hitting from the Reapers, but we still outnumbered them in the end. When Shepard activated the Crucible, we still had a hell of a lot left alive. We probably could have held out even longer, in fact.”

“And on Palaven?”

“I won’t lie to you, Garrus. Palaven was hit hard. But not enough to be hopeless for the turians. They’ll definitely be able to rebuild in time, just as Earth will be. Thessia as well.”

“Thank the Goddess,” sighed Liara.

Kaidan brought up the elephant in the room. “The Citadel…”

Hackett let out a heavy sigh. “Destroyed. We began searching the remains a few hours ago. We’ve turned up nothing but rubble. But we have miles of terrain to cover. I have as many men as I can spare on the job, but it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. The Citadel is a city, and Shepard is just a person.”

“No,” Kaidan disagreed. “He’s not.”

“I know how you all must feel about it. But the odds are against him. No one could have survived what he went through. I’m amazed he even managed to pull it off.”

“He’s been through a lot worse, Admiral.”

He cracked a smile, the scar on his face tilting. “That is true, Alenko. That is true.” Suddenly, Hackett paused for a few seconds. Then, “I’m getting a message from the search party. Hackett out.” Then he was gone, and the room dimmed.

Kaidan’s heart nearly slammed out of his chest, and the others seemed just as stunned. Now they had to wait, and it was possibly the longest ten minutes of Kaidan’s entire life. The rest of the crew shifted, fidgeted, and breathed, but no one spoke. Lying on a bed of nails would have been more comfortable than this.

The console blipped with an incoming connection. Kaidan slammed the button so hard that a biotic spark left his hand. He thought he might have broken it, but Admiral Hackett reappeared as clear and articulate as before. He observed them all in silence for a moment, searching for the right words to say.

“We found him.”

Everyone’s posture stiffened at once.

“Is he…?” Tali was the first to ask.

Hackett shook his head a few times in bewilderment. “He’s alive.”

With a light gasp and a flutter of the heart, Kaidan leaned further over the console. In case he heard him incorrectly, he said, “What?”

“Commander Shepard is alive.”


	3. Unbreakable

The screams of many was what initially woke Shepard from his already restless sleep, but it was the rumbling from the ground below that forced him out of bed. In the commotion, he thought he heard someone say something about thresher maws. That same man was eaten by one seconds later.

Shepard had slapped his gear on as fast as possible, but each moment he wasted, another man died. Another went, then another, until all were consumed and dragged to the dirt. He couldn’t recall what went through his mind as he ran, but what he did remember was death breathing down his neck. The sands shifted, the rocks quaked, and one by one, all members of his team succumbed to the digestive systems of maws engorging themselves on human snacks.

He had left them— every last one of them. In ICT, he was told to prepare for moments like this. In fact, he was trained to. He thought that graduating to N7 would have improved his chances on the field. It did nothing but remind him how fragile everyone’s lives were. They depended on him to fight. They told him he was fit to, and capable of it.

Who was the Alliance and ICT trying to kid, anyway? Take down thresher maws? Alone? No man could do that; at least, not do it and survive. The distress beacon he had sent out had better be good enough. The landing zone was a mile away. He’d never make it in time, not with hungry maws at his heels. Still, adrenaline was a powerful fuel, and his legs pumped harder than ever to get him to that destination.

The tumultuous roar of a thresher maw signaled its appearance behind him, but he didn’t dare look back. Keep going. Get to the landing zone. Run like hell, and don’t stop. Your muscles may demand you stop and rest, but they don’t know what you do: stopping means getting swallowed.

As he reached the landing zone, he climbed to an area the maws couldn’t reach. Despite his distance from them and the vacant settlement, he heard them screeching and hissing. He no longer heard the desperate cries of men and women begging to be saved. All fifty of them were gone.

Days later, they were pinning medals on him, calling him a “hero”. He took the honor, but never really accepted it. What kind of hero runs from a threat? What kind of hero isn’t ready to sacrifice himself to save others? He wasn’t a hero. He was a coward.

Through all of the training he suffered through in ICT, they never told him how to handle taking the safe route. That sort of thing just couldn’t be taught. Captain Anderson was there, shaking his hand, congratulating him. He was the first one he opened up to about how he felt.

“Everyone’s treating me like I did something wonderful,” he said to him. “They’re even talking about commemorating me with statues on Akuze. I left those men behind. I could hear them screaming for me. I could have fought. I could have stayed and died with them. I could have done anything but ran.”

Then Anderson gave him one of the best pieces of advice he carried with him into the special forces. “You’re not going to win them all, Shepard. Sometimes… there’s nothing else we can do.”

At first, he hated hearing that. There always had to be something he could do. He wouldn’t make the same mistake he did on Akuze. When the time came, he would do the right thing. He would risk his life to save others. He would fight that hoard of thresher maws, and he wouldn’t back down.

Thinking back on his graduating from ICT, he assumed that he wouldn’t go through anything more grueling than the seven years he spent at the academy. There were times he didn’t sleep or eat for three whole days, and he was forced to use the last of his energy to hold up a sniper rifle and take someone’s head off. This never helped curb the nausea that dehydration induced. He had led entire squads into batarian encampments, all of which claimed “he had a knack for leading.” He took their word for it, because he sure as hell didn’t feel like it. Many more told him something similar after he took on the coveted N7 rank.

He asked his commanding officer during a particular mission in the Terminus Systems, one that involved taking out a band of mercenaries that stole valuable military data to sell to the Shadow Broker, “What makes everyone think I can lead well? People don’t always live on my watch.” He was given both a proper and nonchalant response:

“It’s not about who lives or dies. It’s that they follow you either way.”

That sounded like bullshit wrapped in idiocy to Shepard, but later on, during other missions, he noticed that more and more people wanted to join his squads. It got so ridiculously complicated that they had to draw straws. Those who won earned respect and jealousy.

In time, Shepard just had to accept it. He was born to lead, and leading had its burdens.

It had been years since he thought about ICT, and with good reason. He loved joining the Alliance navy, but it came with such a terrible price. When he was declared to be one of the very select few to reach N7, it came with not only tons of speeches and pins and plaques and all of that good stuff, but also came with extensive military counseling. Shepard was good at killing, but never that great at expressing his emotions. Sure, the deaths of many men and aliens he was responsible for haunted him. He wasn’t about to talk about it. That just made it worse.

Yet, they insisted he take it. It was a requirement by all graduates. “We need you at peak physical and mental condition when you’re out there” they all kept repeating. “We need to know you’re okay with taking so many lives.” How silly. If he wasn’t okay with it, he wouldn’t go through with it, even if it was something he felt was necessary after his parents both enlisted.

Counseling declared him “a picture of health” and said he had a very strong resolve that could handle almost anything. They called this method “blocking,” but Shepard just called it “kill or be killed.” It was the same deal, no matter what you called it. He couldn’t think about the families he was breaking up by shooting someone in the head. He just had to do it and forget it happened as soon as it did.

His thoughts about the academy drifted away when he looked out the window of the cruiser, the one right beside the bed they had practically restrained him to with bandages, casts, wires, and all sorts of plugs and needles that even Cerberus would call “fucked up.” They pumped him so full of the weirdest painkillers that the stars were now dancing and dolphins were swimming between them. It was nice. Calming.

The bed he was fastened to was nothing like the slabs of rock in Huerta Memorial. It was more than an examination table: it was an actual bed, one big enough to fit three soldiers, if Shepard had been inclined to share it with so many (which he was not). The pillows were downy soft, the blankets thick and warm, and the beeping of his heart monitor didn’t bother him in the slightest when he had vids to watch all day. The news was reporting the successful defeat of the Reapers. Men and women were cheering, dancing, and many of them got on camera to recall their events of seeing the Reapers topple over like turtles on their backs. Soldiers were firing their guns into the air triumphantly, flags were being erected over the hollowed-out remains of buildings, and people were daring each other to get their pictures taken in front of a fallen Reaper.

He scoured the news channels for any sightings of the Normandy. He had probably gone through every station available. People mentioned it, and whenever they did, his heart rate would beep a bit quicker. Many saw the Normandy blast through a mass relay before the Citadel collapsed, but no one has heard from it since. If the Normandy had been destroyed, Shepard would have liked to have gone with it, honorably. He couldn’t imagine life without it now.

Life had been unfair to him in the past. It wouldn’t surprise him in the least if it continued to have a sense of irony. Of all times he’s able to give his life to save others, it’s only him that survives. Just like on many missions in ICT. Just like on Akuze. Just as the Reapers were a cycle of destruction, he himself was a cycle of death.

He shut the vids off, knowing that it would only depress him further. The painkillers were doing a great job of making the sky look like ice cream, but it didn’t heal the biggest scar in him. Where were they? Were his friends all right? Most importantly, was Kaidan all right? He’d do anything just to see his face one more time, just to know that he made it out.

The door hissed open, and in stepped Admiral Steven Hackett himself, who approached the bed with his usual straightened pose and stiff stride. “Ah. I see you’re awake.”

“Barely,” Shepard mumbled under his breath. “It’s…” he took a breath, unable to speak much without inhaling. “Good to see you, Admiral.”

“Good to see _me_? Do you know how excited everyone is? You’ve become a legend.”

“I noticed that.” He took a few breaths, a respirator giving him the assistance to do so. “I saw on the vids. ‘The Shepard,’ they’re calling me. They didn’t talk like they knew…” Breath. “That I was alive.”

“That’s because they don’t know yet, Shepard. We don’t want word getting out before we know you’re back on your feet and able to fend for yourself. Wouldn’t want your old Cerberus buddies coming around to sniff you out.”

“They wouldn’t bother…” Breath. “After the Illusive Man died. Can we…?” Breath. “Fix this? I sound like…” Breath. “A volus.”

“It’s only temporary until your lungs heal. Shepard, you are one lucky son of a bitch.”

“I’m starting to… realize that.”

“I believed in you. I did. But I can’t say I didn’t have my doubts. The stunt you pulled off… you’re going to be more than just a pillar of greatness for humanity. People and aliens alike will be telling this story for generations.”

“Knowing my…” Breath. “Reputation, I’ll live…” Breath. “To see it.”

Hackett laughed. What a strange sound. Shepard didn’t think he had ever heard him do that before, in all of his years in the service. “I don’t doubt that one bit.”

“Sir…” His next breath had a slight choke to it. “The Normandy.”

“That’s what I came in here to talk to you about.”

Shepard’s eyes extended and his mouth spread open wide in horror.

“Oh, don’t worry. They’re alive.”

The biggest sigh Shepard ever exhaled wafted from his mouth. “Oh, thank god _._ ”

“They’ve crash landed on a planet we can’t yet determine.”

“How close are they to Alliance Space?”

“We can’t tell that yet. They hit a mass relay before leaving the Citadel. They could be a whole system away.”

The news wasn’t the greatest, but Shepard still considered it to be good. “Kaidan is okay?”

Hackett seemed curious about his singling out Major Alenko. Shepard didn’t exactly tell the whole galaxy they were in a relationship. They might question his morals as they were wont to do when he made a personal and emotional decision. “He’s fine. I spoke to him on vid comm. They were all fine.”

Shepard closed his eyes to fight back tears. He would never think to cry in front of a superior. “That’s… good.” Breath. “I’m glad.” He swallowed a few times, the tears stopping their flow in the meantime. “So… where am I, exactly?”

“This is the Arishoc, one of our cruisers. We assembled an entire search party for you, Shepard. I had every fleet I could on the job. Thousands of men were turning over piles of the Citadel looking for you.”

“You… could have wasted a lot to find me.”

“I took a chance. Clearly, it was the right choice. You were alive. If we hadn’t gotten to you in time, who knows how much longer you would have had?”

“Knowing me? A while. The medical crew… what did they find… in terms of damage?”

Hackett paced the room a bit, then stopped at the window to stare out of it. “Are you sure you want to hear it? It’s not pretty.”

Shepard hesitated. “Maybe I should… look in a mirror first.”

“Don’t worry. Your mug is still recognizable. Everyone will know it’s you when they see you.”

 _Is that a good thing?_ Shepard wondered.

“You sustained fractures that should have killed you,” Hackett revealed. “You broke every rib and they pierced your lungs, you dislocated your left shoulder, sprained your neck, broke your right arm, shattered your hips, and your skull was smashed and looked irreparable, but seeing as how your memories are intact and you’re speaking as clearly as you can… I can’t say at all how you lived. Your omni-tool was broken on the impact. We’ve tried repairing it, but at this point, we can just get you a new one.”

“Wait a minute. My skull was smashed?”

“Yes.”

He should have been dead. _Again._ He had a foot in the grave, and somehow, he always ended up getting shoved back out of it. Some might call that a good thing, but not being able to die had its drawbacks. What if the Normandy had been destroyed? What would he do then? Live the rest of this life with that fact? Now that it crossed his mind, could his life even end?

“Maybe…” he proposed, hopeful that this would get some answers. “Whatever implants Cerberus fit me with…” Breath. “Helped out in that matter. They might have acted as an extra shield.”

Hackett nodded in agreement. “That’s what we assumed. The implants didn’t seem to suffer as much damage in your fall. They might not have intended it, but Cerberus may have made you a living tank.”

“Or reduced me to living _in_ a tank.”

“Either way, it doesn’t matter. You made it. And that’s given a lot of marines some hope for the future. More people than ever have started applying to get into N school. They want to be a hero like you.”

“Well… if you ever need a spokesperson…” He coughed. “Give me at least a year.” He winced and grabbed onto his chest.

“How’s the pain?”

“The medication is wearing off.”

Hackett notified the medical team, and four doctors and a nurse rushed in, preening over Shepard and adding more painkillers to the concoction he was already high on. One of them waved their omni-tool over him, and dispensed a boatload of medi-gel, which made his mouth tingle and tongue numb. He accepted whatever they intended to do if it worked.

“Admiral,” Shepard called when he saw Hackett leaving the room. He faced him. “Can I speak to the Normandy?”

“You’re not in any condition to walk,” he explicated wearily. “I’ve let them know you made it. Give yourself a few days to heal. Once you’re able to get on your feet, you can talk to them when you’re ready.”

“Can I at least speak to Kaidan?” He gasped a few times. “I just want to hear his voice.” A few more breaths. “I’m sure he wants to hear mine, too.”

Hackett explained, “A lot of comm buoy networks went down out there during the Reaper invasion. Communications were clogged with bandwidth from people trying to contact their families now that there are only a few networks available. We’ve reserved bandwidth only to the military for the time being while we continue to send out clean-up crews and scouts. We need to be able to get a hold of each other at this time of emergency.”

“I’m a Spectre,” Shepard countered defiantly. “I… have priority, even over the military. And with all due respect, sir… I think I earned a little chat with my damn partner.”

Hackett was taken aback by his tone, but he didn’t argue it. “That’s true. But even we can’t get through very well, even with the channels restricted. There’s a lot of lag on both ends, and a lot of interference. QEC is the only way I’ve been able to quickly relay messages. If you want to speak to the Normandy… or Major Alenko… you’re going to have to do it over QEC, and that’s on the complete other side of the cruiser.”

“Then I’ll _crawl_ over there if I have to, but I’m speaking to Kaidan!” He couldn’t finish that demand without nearly coughing out part of whatever was left of his lung.

Admiral Hackett stepped away from the door where he was planning to exit, and instead came to Shepard’s side once again. “Okay, Commander. You’re right. You earned it.”

 

\--------

 

Since hearing the news, the crew of the Normandy dispersed, each going to their selected area of the ship where they normally spent time in. Garrus seemed especially determined to check on the fuel lines. Kaidan, however, never left the war room.

It was hell sitting around waiting for more news. Any kind of update would have been nice. He understood how busy the Alliance was now with repairing the damage from the Reapers, but when it came to Commander Shepard, they had to have made some exceptions. The floor wasn’t exactly the best seating arrangement, but Kaidan would stay there all night if he had to, just as Shepard had waited for him.

The sound of the QEC console blipping instantly brought Kaidan to his feet. It must have been an hour since they were told Shepard survived, but it felt as though a week had gone by. He accepted the incoming message, expecting to see Hackett’s holographic depiction there. Instead, he saw the man himself, Commander Shepard, looking worse for wear, but not completely broken. He was sitting in a chair with wires coming out of all sides of him, as though he were a battery being charged. Beside him was a machine that he was hooked up to, which he wanted to know what was for, but also didn’t want to find out.

“Kaidan,” he uttered, overcome with relief, his bloodied mouth spreading into a delighted smile.

Kaidan couldn’t speak for a moment. He was too busy looking over his injuries. “Oh, god, Shepard,” he moaned, placing a hand over his mouth as the shock struck him. “Look at you.”

“I’m okay. Well, sort of.” He breathed for a second. “I know I look like a torture victim… but they’re doing all…” He inhaled. “They can.”

“I should be there. I should be with you.”

“I wish you were. These doctors have the coldest hands.”

He chuckled, but the tears in his eyes said how he really felt. “I knew. I don’t know how, but I knew you were okay. What happened up there?”

“Well…” Shepard picked at one of the plugs that itched his skin. “I don’t think you’ll believe it when I tell you. Hell… I don’t even believe it happened… and I was there.”

“Whatever you did, it worked.”

“I know. Hackett told me.” Something else came to mind, something he hadn’t thought of since he activated the Crucible. “I lost Anderson.”

“Oh, no. Shepard… I’m so sorry.”

“It hurts a lot worse than my broken ribs do. Not just that he’s gone, but… knowing that they’ll be so busy making monuments to me… they’ll just look at him like another soldier that died for the cause. I don’t want him… to be remembered that way.” He took the time to breathe for a while. “I wouldn’t have even made it that far without him. It’s a little twisted that he died and not me.”

“Well, I, for one, am pretty damn glad you’re alive.”

Shepard laughed, but winced afterward. Kaidan’s first instinct was to reach for him, but he knew that wouldn’t really do any good. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m so happy to see you.” He struggled for another breath. “I want nothing more than to hold you right now. And I wouldn’t let go of you, ever again.”

Kaidan tried to collect himself for a moment, but it did no good. He simply burst into tears. “Neither would I.”

“Hey,” Shepard soothed. “Come on, it’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For everything. Accusing you of being Cerberus’ puppet, and abandoning you when I should have stood beside you.”

“Kaidan… we already talked about this. I told you we were good.”

“I know you did. But I don’t think I ever really apologized. I never really came out and said I was sorry. And I am. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done and said to you.”

Shepard leaned forward in the chair, bracing his left side. He was clearly trying to get closer to the comm, and closer to Kaidan’s image. “You don’t ever have to apologize to me. I’ve forgiven you… a long time ago. It’s been buried, and I’d like it to stay that way. If I was still angry with you about it, I wouldn't be missing you this badly.”

He choked, then let out a weak whimper. “I miss you, too. When I see you again, I’m cooking you the best steak dinner in the whole galaxy.”

Shepard chuckled again, despite how much it hurt. “I don’t think anything could top the last one you made me.”

“Oh, I can top it.” After he said it, he wanted to slap himself for walking into that conversational trap.

“Can you top the savior of the universe?”

Regardless of how embarrassed he might have been, the humor was just what he needed to ease the stress of constant concern. “If he asks nicely.”

Though it must have hurt like crazy, Shepard couldn’t help but grin. “I’ll have to remember that.”

In spite of the brief moment of amusement they had, the reality was a blackened cloud looming over them. “We will see each other again… won’t we?”

Shepard didn’t want to bring it up, and he wanted to give Kaidan hope, but he also hated lying to him. He fought with himself over the answer he wanted to give, and the one he needed to. “They’re still trying to find out where you landed. And with the mass relays gone… I don’t…”

A dark, uncomfortable silence spread over the room, and the two of them bowed their heads. “I’m not just going to say goodbye to you. Not after everything.”

“I’m not either, Kaidan. When I’m out of here… when I’m on my feet and can do my job… I’m coming to find you. Even if I have run over a few ships and turn over a few planets on the way. I promise you. We’re seeing each other again.” He gasped and panted a few times, clutching his chest.

Kaidan watched him with concern, but when he stabilized, he calmed himself. “You sound so certain.”

“Come on. When have I not gotten what I want?” He assured him with another award-winning smile, which looked a bit more smug than usual.

“If there’s a time you haven’t, I sure don’t know about it.”

Shepard winced, grabbing his side and stomach, and doctor came to him. Shepard thanked him, but told him to give him a few more minutes. “You should be in bed, Commander,” the doctor advised impatiently.

“This call is kind of important,” he grunted, panting a few times.

“And you’re going to vomit up your own pelvis if you carry on with it.”

“Fine, fine. Just a second.” He stiffened, continuing to hold his waist. “I love you, Kaidan. And… please tell Joker I’m sorry.”

That wasn’t something he expected him to say. He asked, “For what?” despite already knowing the answer.

“For EDI.”

“Shepard… what’d you do?”

“I did the only thing I thought would work.”

“On your feet, Commander,” coaxed the doctor. “If you’re better tomorrow, you can speak then.”

“Okay, already,” conceded Shepard, his brow crimped in a frustrated snarl, which softened when turning back to Kaidan. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah. I’ll be here. Don’t die on me, okay?”

“Heh. I don’t think that’s possible.” With that, the doctor approached the comm and ended it himself, with one final protest of Shepard yelling “Hey!” before being cut off.

Kaidan hovered around the console for some time after the comm went dead, allowing it all to sink in. The fact that Shepard was alive and breathing was good enough, but the fact that he could still remember everything was miracle in itself.

Leaving the war room and entering the combat center, Kaidan saw Traynor waiting for him, fidgeting. She looked as though she had been waiting to speak forever and finally got a chance to. “Did you get to see him?” she asked.

“I did. He’s doing okay.” He didn’t mention how badly he needed a repair.

“Oh, that’s so good to hear. When we got word he was alive I thought maybe he’d be in a coma.”

Kaidan had feared the same. “He definitely spoke. He’s still the same as he ever was.”

“I’d like to share something with you. I tried to with Joker, but… he doesn’t seem to want to talk right now. I’ve been looking extensively over the galaxy map to pinpoint our location. Of course, it took me about thirty minutes to figure out how to use that damn thing.”

“Trust me. I can’t use it, either. Shepard was just a natural at it.”

“Like everything he does, right?” This didn’t sound as much like admiration as it did suspicion. Kaidan didn’t question it. He was guilty of being suspicious of him in the past. “Well, I found something interesting. The map indicates that we can’t be very far away from Hades Nexus. But it doesn’t make any sense. Wherever we are, it’s nowhere on the map.”

“Hades Nexus? Then that means we’re in the Attican Traverse! We're not that far from the Earth Systems.”

“Right… but I’m not real clear on why we’ve never seen this place before. We might be on an uncharted cluster.”

“Wherever we are, we’re going to find a way off this rock and we’re getting back to Shepard.”

Traynor, who seemed worried prior to hearing this, reignited with fresh fervor. It was unnecessary, but she saluted him anyway. “Yes, Major. Absolutely.”


	4. Plan of Action

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I stuck as close as I possibly could to the realm and lore of Mass Effect when coming up with the solution to reuniting Shepard with his party without using "big red button" deus ex machina resolutions, but I still realize that this plan isn't perfect. I figured I brainstormed enough over it and spent more time on the Mass Effect Wiki than originally intended, and if I nerd myself out over the details any further, people will start calling me "Effectie" or something. With everything I came up with, this was the only thing that made sense to me, and as I said, I strained my nerd brain until it overloaded. The plot needed to move forward, and I had to give it a big ol' shove._
> 
> _You could either say I overthought it or didn't think it over enough. Either way, it's happening. I'm eager to get to the part where murder occurs, and time is precious._

For most of the following day, Kaidan had spent time assembling the other members of the crew and gathered them in the war room, where they huddled around the table within the confines of the glass walls around it. The meeting included both Steve Cortez and Joker, and while they were both glad to hear the news, Steve was definitely the more excited of the two of them. They couldn’t even get started on important matters without discussing Shepard’s mysterious trait to live beyond the worst dangers imaginable.

“I’m guessing if we dropped a bomb on Shepard, he’d walk out of it unharmed,” Joker mentioned, a bit bitterer than Kaidan would have liked.

“At this point, I don’t even think a catastrophic extinction event could kill him,” Garrus stated, more incredulous than proud. “I thought the man was powerful, but…”

“That guy is not a man,” added James. “Living gods are a thing, right? Because if so, that’s Loco a hundred percent.”

“Normally I would be against worshipping a normal organic,” Tali said to James. “But… it seems Shepard is hardly normal.”

“So anyway,” Joker interjected with a sigh. “Kaidan. What’s this little pow-wow for?”

Now that he had the floor, Kaidan spoke. “With some help from Traynor, we learned we were in the Attican Traverse. Somewhere near Hades Nexus. And we think this place might be uncharted.”

Garrus leaned on the table, flattening his palms upon it. “Well. That’s not good.”

“Why not?”

“Other than the obvious fact that we’re pretty far from wherever Shepard is, an uncharted cluster could mean a few different things: we had yet to discover it, so no area is colonized; we discovered it but found it had no resources viable to us, so we abandoned it completely… or that pioneer colonies who discovered it never returned any evidence of its existence.”

“Meaning…”

“Meaning they probably died, Kaidan. Sometimes to the local wildlife, sometimes to exposure to extreme weather. This means that we have no data, no information, and no assistance whatsoever when in these systems.”

“Okay. Let’s say, hypothetically, we tried to push the FTL all the way into Alliance Space. Toward Sol.”

Joker snorted in an incredulous laugh. “Are you serious?”

“A bit, yeah.”

“We wouldn’t even make it a quarter of the way. We need a mass relay.”

“Why? Is it the fuel that’s a problem?”

“Uh, yeah, that and other things. The Normandy is a damn good frigate, but when it comes to distance travel, she’s not built for the long haul. Not without a relay. Almost all modern ships were built with the relays in mind. Built _around_ them. I don’t see a port or station anywhere nearby, so it’s not like we can stop by to get several hundred upgrades to the fuel tanks.”

“He’s right,” Steve spoke up, dismayed. “The Normandy couldn’t handle it. The eezo core is good, but not that good. We won’t go fast enough before we burn all the fuel.”

Kaidan, feeling desperate and out of ideas, asked, “Then what _can_ we do?”

Joker was the one to follow up. “If you want me to be honest? Nothing. There’s nothing we can do.”

“Well, we can’t live here _._ We don’t even have enough food and water to last more than a few weeks at the most.”

“If you want to fly the Normandy off into the distance and get stuck in space, fine, but you’re not getting me to do it.”

“Wait a moment,” Garrus said, cutting them off before Kaidan could respond. “The Normandy couldn’t handle it. But something else could. Something with a better fuel tank, a bigger one. Or hell, multiple tanks. It’d be tough, but not impossible.”

“Are we planning to build a whole new ship here, Garrus?” Joker countered. “Because I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t build a house of cards let alone a new frigate.”

“We can’t. But the military could apply a few upgrades to one of their own ships.”

Joker cracked up. “What? Has the war affected you, Garrus? Like, in the head? It wouldn’t work!”

“It could,” Tali suddenly agreed. “If the ship had a big enough eezo core, the fuel tanks were tweaked for long distance travel, or it had extra fuel tanks stored away, it could be done. It would be very difficult to say how effective it would be, since we’ve all lived with the relays for so long… but we know what it’s like to use FTL drives between planetary systems. It doesn’t take us very long at all, even in the Normandy.”

“But compared to those tiny little systems, a cluster is much farther away. That’s why we needed the relays.”

Garrus included another argument into the discussion. “Relays cut down on travel time. They were an extreme convenience. Like you said, we adapted to them, because they were always there, for eons. We don’t necessarily need the relays. We just got accustomed to things being quick and easy. We have to learn to adapt without them now. And this might be a way to start. We won’t be able to warp from cluster to cluster anymore, but that doesn’t make travel impossible.”

“I’m sorry. What exactly are we planning here?”

Liara entered the conversation. “We clearly can’t do anything here on our end. But on Shepard’s, it’s not as hopeless. We’re alone here, but he has a whole fleet on his side.”

“Shepard just rose up out of a pile of rubble from a city he was buried under. Is he really in the condition to fly all the way over here to pick us up like some ancient shuttle service?”

“I don’t know, Joker,” sighed Kaidan, growing impatient. “But if anyone can do it, it’s him.”

Garrus resigned the meeting with a more realistic approach: “And we don’t really have any other choice.”

Taking a minute to look at everyone around the table, Joker got the sense that his opinion was outweighed. “Okay. Look. I believe in him just as much as you guys do, and I don’t mean to be so fatalistic over this. But what if he can’t make it here? Maybe we should have, you know, a plan B, or something.”

There was a collective exchange of glances by everyone else. Then, Kaidan acknowledged, “I don’t think this is going to be a plan B situation, Joker. Either Shepard comes for us… or…”

“We start colonizing,” James confirmed with a nod. “Sure, with half of us being aliens, the kids will look weird. But it’s our planet, so who cares? We’ll name it something bad ass. Like Firefist. Or… okay, that’s all I got.”

“Please, spirits,” Garrus grumbled as he wandered out of the war room. “Let Shepard find us soon.”

Kaidan let the others know he’d be speaking to Shepard shortly, and they would discuss the next step. When they filed out of the room, and he and Joker were left alone, he debated whether or not to deliver Shepard’s message of condolence, as it was evidently an admission of guilt. Joker hadn’t seemed the easiest to deal with since he found out what happened to EDI, and he wasn’t one to rub salt in people’s wounds, especially when adding insult to injury that Shepard had somehow survived the ordeal when she didn’t.

“Joker. Shepard asked me to tell you something.”

“Okay. Lay it on me.”

“He wanted to say he was sorry. About EDI.”

It was difficult to tell how Joker felt about this, as his features were hard to read. When their eyes met, he saw the expression of a man battling with several emotions at once, of someone who could neither be happy or sad, angry or excited. It was the look of a man who knew the truth was nothing to fight, no matter how badly you wanted to tear it to shreds.

“Did he say what happened?”

“Not exactly. He didn’t seem too interested in talking about it. Can’t really say I blame him.”

Joker relinquished his agitation with a heavy sigh. “I don’t either.”

“I’m going to go tell him what we came up with.”

“Hey, Kaidan?” When Kaidan stopped and looked at him, he said, “Tell him I said thank you. You know… for saving the galaxy and all that.”

Before he left him, he smiled and answered, “I’ll let him know.”

 

\-------

 

“A bigger eezo core.” Shepard, who had looked worlds better than he did the day before, contemplated the very plan that might reunite them. Not only were many of his scars closing up, but the bandage around his head was gone and he was on his feet, standing and talking without breathing problems. He still had about a hundred wires coming out of him, however, and was still hooked up to a machine that did who knew what to him. The shirt they had him dressed in was navy blue, and had seen better days. There were at least three holes in it from what Kaidan could see. Advanced space-age travel, weapons that fired thermal clips, communication lines that traveled faster than light, and the ability to scan entire planets for resources weren’t enough to replace a torn shirt.

“Huh,” Shepard sounded with both a huff and a laugh. “That might actually work. It might take some time. There’s a lot of men left in this fleet, but it’s not like I have the team that built the Crucible here. An eezo core isn’t something a lot of people know how to modify. The fuel tanks shouldn’t be a problem. We can salvage a few.” The more he thought about this plan, the quicker he paced, whirling his hands about. The heart monitor sped up a few notches. He wheezed. “Yeah. This could work. This will work.”

“Shepard,” Kaidan eased. “Maybe you should rest a little while longer.”

“I’m already feeling a lot better, Kaidan. I don’t know exactly _how_ much medi-gel they’ve given me, but I can tell you it’s a lot more than what the average person has used in a lifetime.”

“I know, but…”

“I’m not leaving you stranded out there longer than I have to.” He heaved out a few barking coughs, and on the final one, drops of blood sprayed from his mouth.

Kaidan leaned closer to the vid comm, and closer to Shepard’s image, a stern look in his eye. “I’m glad you’re so concerned for me. But if you die for me after I just got you back, I’ll never forgive you.”

Taking a quick breather, Shepard sat in his designated chair. After his wheezing stopped, he rubbed his sore chest. “Kaidan…” he said softly, both in adulation and heartache.

“You’ve already pushed your luck to these ridiculous limits, Shepard. You’ve tested yourself already. You’ve proven you can do it, and I’m proud of you. But even a cat only has nine lives. I don’t know how many you have… but there can’t be many left. And I don’t want to see that day until we’re really old and barely have any teeth in our heads and we’re eating nothing but yogurt the rest of our lives.”

Shepard closed his eyes in reprieve. “Okay. I’ll tell Hackett, ask him to see what he can do for me. And I’ll get some rest.”

“Thank you. That’s all I ask.”

“But as soon as I can breathe like a normal human being, I’m stopping at nothing to get to you.”

“I know, Shepard. I know.”

“We’ll get old. I promise.”

Under any other circumstances, Kaidan would have laughed at that. But for now, he was too worked up to find much merriment in anything. “I’ll hold you to it. I love you.”

Shepard winced as he clutched his chest once more, as if his words knocked the wind out of him. “I love you, too.” He strained out the final words, “Shepard out.”

 

\------

 

Whatever it was the doctors insisted on feeding him, it couldn’t ever be construed as “food”. He missed the many delicacies of Earth. Like turkey. His mother was the queen of roasting birds. His father was the king at flipping a hamburger. God. A hamburger. He would do anything to eat one of those right now. He had been living off of rations for so many years that he had forgotten what they tasted like. All he could recall was that he loved the hell out of them.

Shepard shoved the tray of food away from him, the flavor and consistency souring his stomach. The doctor standing in the room with him took the tray with a disappointed click of the tongue. “I can’t help it,” Shepard explained. “It’s not the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten.” He didn’t get a reply. “Aren’t there any regular rations on board?”

“We’ve spared a lot for the troops during the war,” said the doctor as he applied another heavy dose of medi-gel to him.

That was an understandable enough reason for him. “What is this stuff, anyway?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Tell me. I can handle it.”

“Trust me. You can’t.”

 _Human_ was the first thing that came to mind, which should have upset him, but thinking about ingesting krogan, salarian, asari, or turian was somehow worse. “You’re right. I don’t want to know.”

The door whirred open, and Hackett came in. After dismissing the doctor to give them some privacy, he stepped up beside the oversized bed, glancing down at the anxious, bedridden Commander Shepard. “I’ve spoken to the engineers. They not only think it’s possible to upgrade the Arishoc’s eezo core, but with enough men on the job, we can slim it down to a few days’ worth of work. I really hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I’m hoping the same thing myself. I can command a ship, but hell if I know how the damn thing works. People just tell me what they need, and I get it for them. I let them figure out the rest.”

“Upgrading the eezo core was a good idea you had.”

“It wasn’t my idea. It was my team’s. Just shows how much I need them for everything… and how much I need them back.”

Hackett paced around the room in silence for a few moments. “This is going to be expensive, Shepard. The Normandy SR-2 had one of the biggest price tags in the galaxy until now, simply because of its eezo core, and even though Cerberus was the one who footed that bill, it’s still nothing to ignore. Element zero is not exactly growing on trees, and after the war, it’s even more scarce. We can find some, but it’s not going to be an easy task.”

“I have some stored away on the Normandy. I could trade it to the military when we reach it and I could make it up to you. I’ll give you the whole ship, if that’s what it takes. I’m sure Cerberus won’t mind. Joker might, but at least he’d be safe.”

He folded his hands behind his back as he took a few more steps around the room. “We don’t just need element zero. We need credits.”

“I had millions stored away. Take it. All of it. I have the small, beta version of the Shepard VI. You could sell that to the highest bidder. I bet it’s worth twice as much now. I know it’s illegal, but it’s something. I have a lot of leftover minerals boxed up in the Normandy’s shuttle bay, and those will be worth a lot on their own. Please, Admiral, I’ll give you whatever you need. Anything. I just need to reach them.”

This seemed to satisfy Hackett. “All right. Normally I wouldn’t expend so many men and resources on something like this.”

“I understand that, sir.”

“But because you and your crew saved our asses, you’re owed a hell of a lot more than that. I’d be glad to get them back home to you. We’ll do what we can.”

“Thanks, Admiral. I couldn’t do this without the Alliance’s help.”

Before heading for the door, Hackett nodded to him. “Get better. You’ll be traveling again soon.”

 

\--------

 

Get better, he did.

On the third day, he was strong enough to start doing regular sets of push-ups, in spite of the doctor’s admonitions against it. If the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” had truth to it, he should have been strong enough to lift three starships by now, and he had surprised even his doctor with his quick recovery. It was when he began doing pull-ups that he was coaxed into getting a bit more rest before putting his body under so much stress. Shepard told him that it wasn’t stressful for him, but Dr. Hawthorne, or as he liked to be called, Phillip, didn’t believe a word of it.

“It’s unnatural for someone to have gone through that much trauma and regenerate tissue so quickly,” he worried when the fourth day came around, and Shepard was engaging in a few physical activities to assess his strength and evaluate any changes, which mostly consisted of running and lifting. “If you wouldn’t mind… I’d like to take a good look at those implants Cerberus gave you.”

Shepard, who had been testing to see how long he could hold up a metal pole as heavy as a sniper rifle, answered, “What do you mean, ‘take a look at them’?” He cursed under his breath when he noticed his hands and right shoulder trembled when lifted for long periods. That wasn’t good.

“Oh, you know. Give you a few scans. Maybe… open you up for just a few hours.”

“Forget it.” He lifted the pole again. He still couldn’t hold it steady, and he grew anxious. He couldn’t remember what it was like to not be able to hold up a weapon. “I’m not a test subject. Not anymore, at least.”

“Oh, no, of course, Commander. I wasn’t implying that you… it’s just that, well, if that technology helps to prevent organ trauma, it’d be good for the military. It’d be good for anybody.”

He lifted the pole again, slower this time, concentrating on keeping his muscles calm. “Contact Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson. They’ll give you the info you need, I’m sure.”

“There’s… something else. I’d like to see if the Crucible had any effect on them. If it changed something, biologically.”

When Dr. Hawthorne brought up the Crucible, his thoughts went to the Catalyst, how it had told him that he was part synthetic, and that by all accounts, he should have been killed. He hadn’t considered that his survival might have been due to the Crucible, but with that possibility, he wondered if he was still as stable as he was before he activated it. What if the implants malfunctioned suddenly? What if they fried him and turned him into goop inside when he least expected it? It was something he always mulled over, but with the Crucible in mind, it became a bigger threat than before.

“I feel fine,” he told Dr. Hawthorne, which was a little white lie.

“For now, yes. But…”

They were interrupted by the door opening with its usual electronic buzz. In walked a woman standing at five foot seven, clad in regularly assigned Alliance clothing— the kind with inexplicably-placed and superfluous pockets that Shepard always felt were too bulky. She looked exhausted and battle-worn, and just like Shepard, she had a few scars of her own. She immediately saluted him as she entered.

“Commander Shepard,” she announced. “Lieutenant Davies.”

Shepard presented a smile to her. “At ease, Lieutenant.”

She lowered her hand. “Hackett wished for me to inform you of our progress with the eezo core.”

He waited for her to continue. When she didn’t, he asked, “And…?”

“Things are going better than expected. We believe that by the time the project is finished, we’ll be able to travel ten times faster than usual. We tried to push it to twenty, but there was only so much element zero to spare. Regardless, it’s proving to be an efficient drive so far. We also upgraded the fuel tanks as you requested. We’ve been salvaging fuel from fallen ships, and we sent a mining crew down below for iridium.” She took a deep breath. “Oh. And the news sort of got leaked that you were alive.” She winced afterward, as though she expected to be yelled at.

He rose a curious eyebrow at her, then said, “It was bound to happen sooner or later. Maybe sooner is better.”

Once she saw that Shepard wasn’t about to erupt like a volcano on her, Davies repositioned her professional posture. “Um. Right. That was my thought. Everyone’s very excited. You should see them back on Earth. Your picture… it’s everywhere. I’m even doubting the fact I’m standing in front of you right now. You’re like a ghost.”

“I’m just happy I could give them the chance to be excited in the first place.”

“And we can’t thank you enough. We really can’t. We all had our part in paving the road for you, but you were the one willing to walk it. Because of you, I can see my family again.”

He folded his arms across his chest, tucking his chin down in a humble bow. “You don’t have to thank me, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I’m glad you can see your family.”

“No one else could have done it.”

“I think that’s debatable. I’ve met many strong humans and aliens that could have taken my place if I failed. Some of them I call my friends. We all knew what was at stake.”

She had herself a chuckle, her skin slightly flushed. “I think you’re just being modest, Commander.”

He smirked. “I don’t like hogging all the credit.”

“You’d better get used to it. Because those people down there are willing to give it all to you.”

The fact of the matter was that he was already used to it. It still never felt right for people to slap him on the back when so much death lied in his shadow. “What matters is that the Reapers are dead. And we can evolve without them hassling us.”

“That’s right. There are new opportunities on the horizon. How are you feeling? You look less… broken than when you came in.”

“Okay for the most part.” He grabbed his aching shoulder and rolled it around a few times. “I wish I could say I had worse. You ever try to fix something after breaking it, only to break it again? The pieces get tinier each time, the damage more severe. One more fall could be the one to do me in. I was always willing to do my part for humanity and the rest of the galaxy, but I don’t think living that close to the edge forever is an ideal situation.”

“So what are you planning to do?”

Shepard shrugged, then the corner of his mouth twitched into an awkward smile. “Early retirement? The Alliance has the best packages. We get a sabbatical to our chosen planet. I had plenty of time to think over which planet I wanted to settle in. I considered Noveria a few times. But after the war, I can’t imagine living anywhere but home on Earth. I’m sure there’s an area on the American eastern coast that isn’t rubble. Maybe we’ll find a house there. Settle down, and never get back up unless I have to. We could adopt a kid. Always wanted to see if I could live up to being a father.”

“Um… we?”

“My partner and I.” He frowned when he saw Davies lower her head and wave it with a few melancholy nods. “What?”

She snapped out of her abrupt change in mood. “Oh. Nothing. I just can’t imagine what the Alliance would be without its legendary hero, is all.”

“They helped me stop an ancient race of sentient machines. I’m sure they can hold their own just fine without me. Besides, I don’t think I’m in any condition to help them anymore. I’m held together in one piece by miracle adhesive. The crappy kind. In all honestly, Lieutenant, I think I outlived my usefulness. That, and I love stewed crab. It’s the best.” He daydreamed for a few seconds, gazing wistfully into the distance.

“Right. Well. I should go, Commander. Glad to see you’re better and… I wish you luck with your future.”

At her retreating statement, Shepard did a double take, but made no comment. Instead he cleared his throat and deepened his voice somewhat. “Likewise.”

“And it really was a tremendous honor to meet you.” She reached forward, palm extended. Shepard clapped his hand into hers and gave it a firm shake.

“Take care, Lieutenant.”

On her way out, she almost bumped into other crew members while staring at her own hand in awe. Shepard watched through the doorway and got a glimpse at her whispering something to another female soldier and showing her the very hand Shepard just shook. Her eyes bugged out as she leaned over to look into the room at Shepard standing there. She did this until the door was completely shut.

Dr. Hawthorne insisted on preening over him, but he told him he wanted some time to himself. When the room was vacant of all other visitors, Shepard approached the window overlooking the star scape and stared out at the vastness of space.

“Hang tight,” he told the distant Normandy. “I’m on my way.”

 

\-----

 

The eezo core was ready at the estimated time, and so was Shepard. He wasted no time requesting that they leave as soon as possible. When the FTL drive was activated, he didn’t know what to expect. The Normandy was fast enough on its own, but this was an experience unlike any other. It wasn’t as fast as taking a mass relay to their destination, but it was the next best alternative.

What he missed about traveling on the Normandy was the smooth ride. No shakes, no bumps, no turbulence, just a calm sail through the sea of space. He couldn’t give the same compliments to the Arishoc, which every once in a while rattled with an unpleasant clunk or two. It reminded him of riding in the shuttle, or worse yet, the Hammerhead, and he couldn’t say he enjoyed either of those much.

He was told that the estimated time to reach the Normandy’s location would take a few days, and though he wasn’t satisfied with this, he knew it was the best they could do. A few days was a lot better than weeks or months. Regardless, he was still uncomfortable at having to wait much longer to get there.

The first thing he did when they began their journey was head over to the QEC to notify his companions that he was coming as fast as he could manage, and that he spent every last credit he owned to make it happen. Kaidan was too excited to see him to be upset at the extended estimated time they had to wait before seeing each other, and Shepard, who normally had a proficient demeanor when handling things, had trouble containing his joy. The many days he had been healing and preparing felt like several years, and traveling again was all it took to get back into the swing of things.

“A few days?” asked Garrus as he stood in the comm room with Kaidan, looking approvingly at Shepard’s image. “Not bad, Shepard. You save all races from being harvested by machines, and now you’re reinventing the wheel.”

“Someone has to do it,” said Shepard. “I figured I haven’t pushed myself over the edge _just_ yet.”

“You’ve pulled off some crazy nonsense, but I really didn’t expect you to manage this so quickly. What exactly is your secret, anyway?”

Matter-of-factly: “I’m persuasive.”

“He’s got you there,” Kaidan commented.

“Okay,” Garrus accepted. “Good point. But you still have to live up to my greatness. That’s going to take you a lot longer.”

“I can’t win that battle,” said Shepard with an admiring grin. “I shouldn’t even try.”

They both went silent for a while, until Garrus worked up the nerve to say something. “Listen, Shepard, I’m not good at the mushy stuff, but… I’m glad we didn’t have to die in order to see each other again.”

“So am I, Garrus. I still would have met you at that bar if it came to it. And I would have helped you snag another date.”

“Oh. Right. I never told you how that went…” And it didn’t sound like he was about to.

Shepard didn’t ask for further details. Before he could say anything else to them, he heard someone come in the room behind him. He looked to see Lieutenant Davies standing there, who mentioned something about verifying a few things on the galaxy map with him.

“I have to…” he began, then paused and gave his farewells some thought. “Leave. I’ll see you guys soon.” He turned off the comm and followed Davies to the Arishoc’s CIC.

“John’s going to be overworked even after he saves our asses,” Kaidan told Garrus reluctantly, who gave him a puzzled look with pinched eyes and beak clicking a few times.

“Who?”

“Shepard, Garrus.”

“All right. I’m confused.”

“That’s his name.”

“I know Shepard is his name. Who’s John?”

“Shepard _is_ John.”

This seemed to have blown Garrus’ mind. “So wait a minute. You’re telling me Shepard _isn’t_ his first name?”

Now amused, Kaidan gave him the best explanation he could. “Humans don’t have first names like that. Not where we come from, at least. If we do, it usually means we have pretentious parents.”

Garrus shook his head a few times, mind reeling. “Well, that’s wonderful. Now I feel like an asshole.”

He breathed out a quick chuckle. “I think he prefers ‘Shepard’ anyway. At least by this point. So you’re good.”

“Good. I think I prefer ‘Shepard’, too. What kind of ridiculous name is ‘John’?”

That was an argument Kaidan felt was best avoided. He was the first of them to leave the comm room, but Garrus stepped out shortly after. He thought the conversation would end there, but Garrus wouldn’t let it go.

“All hail the mighty ‘John’, liberator of civilization. Congratulations, ‘John’, you’ve made life once again possible. Excuse me ‘John’, but could you sign for this? Nope. Still sounds stupid. Ahh, as soon as I see him, I will never let him live this humiliation down.”

Kaidan would have voted against it, but he had seen Shepard deal with Garrus’ honesty pretty well in the past. They had a strong relationship he would never quite understand. “He’s lucky to have you, Garrus.”

If Garrus was smiling, he couldn’t tell, but his voice was filled with both pride and honor when he said, “I’m just as lucky.”


	5. Normandy Down

The morning of Shepard’s arrival started out as a quiet one. Joker had emerged from the Normandy a final time to get some air, which was thicker than usual. As he stared up at the twin moons off in the distance, he thought of multitude of things he would say to Shepard when they saw each other, if he worked up the audacity to speak to him at all.

Kaidan had passed the message along to him that Shepard was “sorry,” but couldn’t give either of them an explanation. If he was so apologetic, why couldn’t he have the good graces to give either of them any information? He could forgive his Commander, and he would, if he just knew the truth. The Reapers lied in massive heaps all around Earth, and of this, he was grateful, but why did EDI have to go with them? It made no sense.

If Shepard had the choice, all he wanted to know was why he made it.

The simultaneous shriek of a massive flock of birds canceled his worries for the time being, and he focused on them as they fluttered desperately toward the nearby flora. Another flock joined them shortly after from the same direction, also calling out in a sound of distress.

Curious, Joker looked off to the direction they were fleeing from, but he saw nothing. Regardless, he found the situation too unsettling to remain outside much longer. He boarded the Normandy just as a third flock hurried away from the isolated area that no bird wanted to remain in. He scurried across the bridge and took a seat in the pilot’s chair, watching with caution out the front windshield. Nothing happened, other than a couple of more flocks speeding off into the distance. Whether he saw anything or not, he wasn’t about to take any chances.

There was a fizzle of static in the radio within his ear. Under the static was a familiar voice. “Joker?”

Joker’s blood turned to ice as he deliberated on whether or not to answer Shepard’s call. If he wanted them all to get out of there, he knew it’d be better to communicate with him. He pressed his fingers to his ear, but took longer than needed to do so. “Hey. Commander. Nice to hear your voice.”

“It’s great to hear yours, too.”

Joker didn’t like the rancid flavor that filled his mouth when hearing him say this. “So. How soon can we expect you?”

Shepard’s voice once again came in with a light crackle. “In about ten minutes, we’ll be near Hades Nexus, and we should reach your coordinates.” The frequency fizzled off a second later.

“Shepard…” Silence. “Shepard?”

“What is it, Joker?”

Now that he had his attention, he wasn’t sure he could go through with it, especially on a comm radio. This sort of discussion must be reserved for a face-to-face interaction. “Nothing. Hurry up, would ya?”

“We’re coming as fast as we can.”

The frequency went dead, and Joker was alone with himself again. He took some time to look at the co-pilot’s seat, which was vacant of his favorite AI, a wave of heartache enveloping him all over again. As soon as this debacle was over and they were all back where they belonged, he wasn’t sure what he would do, but flying the Normandy was out of the question. Protecting the Normandy meant protecting EDI, and he failed that. No doubt Shepard would get the hell out of the Alliance after this, and that would probably mean Kaidan and Garrus alike would follow him. Without EDI, without a crew, and without a commander telling him where to fly him to, there wasn’t much of a point.

He had seen enough tragedy, and he wasn’t about to stick around for more of it.

The allotted ten minutes went by, and Shepard contacted him on the comm again. “Joker. We’re going to need you to fly up and meet us. Wherever you are, it’s on a planet that seems to have high gravity. We can’t land the cruiser there.”

Joker thought he had misheard him at first. “You brought a _cruiser_?”

“I had to work with what was available to me. We’ve disengaged the FTL. Get up here.”

“All right, all right.” He activated the console, switching everything on. Then he announced to the rest of the Normandy crew, “We’re taking off, people. Sit down or something. You’ve got one minute of prep time.” While he proceeded to ready the Normandy for liftoff, someone joined him in the co-pilot’s seat: Kaidan.

“Is he here?” he rang like a child on Christmas morning.

“Yeah. He needs us to come up. They can’t land here.”

“What are we waiting for? Let’s get her in the air!”

Joker pulled down the bill of his hat and huffed, “These things take time, Kaidan.”

“I’m sorry. I just… it’s been almost a week. The last time I saw him, he was saying his goodbyes to me. Maybe I’m just eager to make sure that wasn’t our last moment together.”

As he started up the drives and engines, hands and fingers waving about on the console around him, he muttered, “Sure. Unless that’s another of his clones up there.”

His breathing quickened for a moment, heart thundering. “You don’t think…”

In the spirit of EDI, while also using her deadpan tone, he said, “That was a joke.”

“Heh. Yeah, I… I knew that.” He scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment.

Once every system was checked on, prepared, and ready to go, the Normandy finally took flight to the skies, above the trees and toward the stars. As saddened as Joker was by EDI’s loss, and by the fact that Shepard had outlived her, he was more than happy to kiss that jungle goodbye. He might even kiss Shepard for coming to their rescue. Okay, no. He wouldn’t. But he’d consider it.

“ETA thirty seconds, Commander,” he notified.

Shepard’s voice crackled in: “You don’t have to call me that anymore, Joker.”

“You don’t have to call me ‘Joker’.” He didn’t get a reply from Shepard that time. “Twenty seconds. We’ll soon be—”

An eardrum-rupturing screech cut him off, and a massive figure zipped past the window at a speed fast enough to rock the Normandy back and forth from the alteration in wind stability. Joker yelped in surprise, and Kaidan joined him in his shock.

“What the hell was that?!” Kaidan was the first to ask.

Joker dragged his arm across his forehead, but beads of sweat still continued to form. “Don’t know, don’t care. Just want to get out of here before I see it again.” He continued to push the Normandy upward, and whether it was his imagination or the crash that had affected it, they seemed to be going a lot slower than usual. As joker spastically swiped his hands over the console in preparation for any sudden directional changes if it came to that, another screech filled the air, followed by two separate others.

“Okay, we really need to get out of here,” Kaidan pleaded anxiously.

“I’m working on it, Kaidan! Do you not see me working on it?!”

“Are you sure we can’t go any faster?”

“Do _you_ want to fly?!”

“Wha— no! I’m just…!”

Another rumbling howl reverberated, shaking the hull of the Normandy. A few more figures as mountainous as their previous counterpart roared past, almost shoving the frigate off its course from the force of movement. Joker, panicking, radioed Shepard.

“Uh, Commander? We’re playing a little game of Tag with the local wildlife. You think you can maybe tell them to bring that cruiser of yours down any further?” He gasped as he heard a heavy thud above them. Something had landed on the Normandy’s hull, and from the way the entire ship rattled, it wasn’t exactly small in size. “Like, now?!”

Shepard, who was just as frantic, answered, “What’s happening?”

Joker attempted to pull the Normandy up a few more feet, but whatever was camped on top weighed them down. Alarms rang on all sides of them, warning them of a breach in the shuttle bay. “We have company,” he told Shepard. “Doesn’t seem like the friendly sort, either.”

“Hold on, I’m coming to you in the shuttle!”

“A shuttle?! Why couldn’t you have used that in the first place?!”

“You can’t all fit into one at once. And I figured you didn’t want to leave her behind.”

By ‘her’, Joker knew exactly what he meant, and it wasn’t the Normandy they were discussing. “There’s nothing else I can do for her, Shepard. Now please, just get down here!”

Kaidan didn’t stick around to listen to their conversation. He hopped out of the copilot’s seat and bolted down the bridge, calling Garrus on the comm, doing his damnedest to keep composed. “Something broke into the ship just now. It’s in the shuttle bay.”

“I saw the alarms,” Garrus radioed back. “I’ve already headed for the lockers.” He panted a few times. “I’ll meet you there.”

Joining them was Tali, who had also confirmed the nature of the alarms with Garrus. James and Liara also got clued in to the situation, though Liara felt she had to ask if Shepard was on his way. Kaidan let her know that he was coming for them. They all met up at the armor and weapons lockers, loading up with thermal clips.

“Let’s do this one without him,” requested James. “That way he can look up to us for a change.”

“I don’t think I’m willing to risk my life to prove a point, James,” Garrus said, peevishly.

“Oh, come on, Birdman. The five of us can handle it just fine. We don’t always need Loco to make things happen.”

“Which is why we’re waiting for him to come pick us up and take us back home?”

“All right. But he gets that one for free. It ain’t our fault we’re stuck out here. In a way, it’s his.”

“Standing around here talking about it isn’t going to help anything,” Kaidan reprimanded. “Let’s get to the shuttle bay and take care of it, at least until he gets to us.”

James let it go for now. “Fine. But if we take everything out before he arrives, he owes us all drinks. And not the cheap stuff, either.”

Both Kaidan and Garrus urged them on to the elevator, which they all fit themselves inside of, standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Everything was quiet for a moment or two while they rode it down, their breathing and armor clicking together the only sounds.

“I don’t know where Shepard got our armor from,” whispered Liara in a faint gripe. “But it chafes me like mad.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” James wholeheartedly agreed. “Why all the belts? Couldn’t I just get, like, one of those grenade holders? He has one. Why don’t I get one?”

Garrus had to think on that one. “I’ve never seen Shepard wear a grenade belt.”

“Oh, he has one. I came up to his cabin once to ask him a question, and he was wearing one over his shirt. He pretended it wasn’t even there and acted like I was seeing things, but I knew he was checking himself out in the mirror with it. I’ll admit though… with that sarcastic scowl he was giving me, it looked pretty menacing. If I was Cerberus and saw that coming for me, I’d probably shit myself, no joke.”

“I can see why he speaks so highly of you, James,” muttered Kaidan sarcastically.

Tali noted, “What I don’t understand is the weird shoulder pads. They’re bulky and completely unnecessary. In fact, I believe they may even hinder your movement.”

James once again weighed in: “I think he just likes us to look so silly that the enemy passes out from laughter. I guess in Shepard’s mind, that’s a good strategy.”

Kaidan sighed. “Okay. Guys? Can we…?”

The elevator door slid open, and the five of them spilled out inside the shuttle bay, brandishing weapons and pointing them in every direction, ducking behind tables and odd assortments of crates scattered around. A massive hole in the side of the hull was the first thing that caught their eyes, but what they didn’t see was the enormous creature digging around through a stack of boxes in the far left corner. It wasn’t until it clicked and cawed that they turned their attention toward it.

Standing roughly six feet high and twelve feet long was a monstrosity covered in oak brown fur, walking about on two clawed feet resembling talons, leathery wings collapsed against its torso as its neck bent down toward the crates it was sniffing around at. Its mouth was not a mouth at all, but mandibles shaped like fingers, which twitched and bent as it searched the rubble for something interesting. It didn’t have much of a nose, but rather one long V-shaped vent between its mouth and brow, which was dotted with at least six red orbs that could have possibly been eyes. They all swiveled in different directions, scanning areas all around it simultaneously. Attached to its rump was a long tail with barbs erected on all sides of it.

They all ducked back down behind the crates, each of them breathing heavily in one synchronized voice. Kaidan nodded to Garrus to show he was ready to act, and Garrus held up his rifle in determination, prepared for the worst. Then he gave him the nod he was waiting for, and both of them opened fire on the creature’s flank. When it turned to them and screamed in a powerful roar, it stumbled toward them on its wobbling, clawed legs as it tried to stay balanced while the Normandy shook. Liara Lifted it off of the ground, and Kaidan then Threw it toward the hole in the ship it entered through. It howled in frustration on its exit, flapping far away from the Normandy, which was a trinket not worth dying over.

James chuckled triumphantly. “That wasn’t so bad.”

A heavy thud rumbled the Normandy’s shell, knocking them all off of their feet. A louder screech than that of their last visitor resounded, and a head similar to the last creature’s shoved its way into the hole, mandibles clicking and flexing, red orb eyes swiveling in all directions. It shrieked and snapped its mouth down at the tiny morsels scattering behind cover to fend for their lives.

Each of them panting and gasping for breath, Garrus proposed, “I’m going for its eyes. Shooting even one of them should get it to back off.”

“Those are eyes?” Kaidan wondered, fascinated.

 He hesitated for a moment. “The red glowy things, okay?”

“And if that doesn’t work?”

“I’ll shoot some more of them. Just be ready.” Garrus reloaded his sniper rifle, and peeked around the corner of the stack of boxes they hid behind. The creature’s head swirled around in agitation as it apparently tried to free itself from the trap it just put itself in. e stHHe stared down the scope and brought the crosshairs up to one of the swirling orbs on the top of its head, then fired. A glob of red and white goop splattered onto the grated floors, and the creature howled in pain as it ripped its head free of the hole and escaped the metallic toy it had intended to play with.

In spite of ridding themselves of two abominations, a third and fourth screeched as they circled the Normandy. Both of them slammed their way into the shuttle bay, crashing into one another, clicking and hissing at their predicament. They didn’t get far before a hail of bullets grazed their hides, and tiny sparks of explosions blinded them. One of them made a quick exit and fled the scene, its heavy wings beating the air, but the other didn’t make it as far. The shuttle bay door opened wide, and in entered a Kodiak with the Alliance symbol emblazoned on the side, ramming the neck of the beast and shoving it to the floor, rendering it unconscious before settling down for a swift landing.

With an electric hum and steaming hiss, the door of the Kodiak opened, and Shepard climbed out of it, clad in black and red gear borrowed from the Alliance cruiser, a hefty-looking sniper rifle strapped to his back. “Everyone get on, now!”

As they always did, they followed his orders, racing for the Kodiak with might and vigor. The five of them bunched up together, once again packed in like sardines. Shepard lifted the rifle from his back and plugged the monster’s head with a thermal clip to ensure its demise, but as his hands and arms trembled, he missed the shot. He cursed under his breath, aiming as steadily as he could for a second try. The red-eyed creature twitched once, lifted its head, and reached for him with its mouth. The second shot he unloaded connected with the beast’s head, then he reloaded, firing a third shot. It squealed and curled up, motionless. Then he looked inside at Lieutenant Davies, who was piloting the shuttle.

“Get them out of here,” he told her.

“What?!” Kaidan shouted. “No, you’re coming with us!”

“I’ll be fine, Kaidan. There’s another shuttle coming down to pick up the rest of the crew. I’ll go with them.”

“Don’t do this to me. Don’t leave me behind again.”

The remainder of the crew stood around in uncomfortable silence as Shepard and Kaidan gave each other prolonged stares. “Kaidan. I’ll be fine, and I’ll see you soon. I promise.” He tapped the side of the shuttle a couple of times, and the door slid shut while Kaidan held his breath and watched him disappear behind the barrier of steel. Shepard’s comforting smile didn’t help much. He provided the same one when he went off to the Citadel to die.

Shepard sprinted to the elevator, which he rode up to the engineering level, gathering Engineer Adams, who erupted with both joy and relief to see him there, then also went for Donnelly and Daniels. Dr. Chakwas, who needed to take a moment to give Shepard a warm hug when they saw each other, also joined the group. With her had been Steve, who showed his gratitude to Shepard with a big smile. Traynor was the next one he stopped by to bring along, and she cheered ecstatically at his presence, even in spite of the out of control Normandy that was careening toward the ground. He gathered as many more members of his crew as he could collect, all of them heeding his words and following his strong voice.

Lastly, Shepard paid his visit to his pilot. Joker was less inclined to be stubborn this time around, and knew that it was now or never. He would never see the Normandy again. He said nothing to Shepard, but he did rise out of the chair and accepted his help when he offered him a shoulder to lean on to. Shepard guided Joker to the rest of the standing crew, and told them all to follow him down to the shuttle bay.

Down below, another shuttle had been waiting, and Shepard fit as many of them as he could onto it, then told the shuttle pilot, Carson Harris, to get them to the Arishoc safely and to send word for the other shuttle to get the rest of them.

Those standing beside him for the final pick-up was Joker, Dr. Chakwas, and many of the navigation crew. Shepard didn’t need to look into their faces to see how frightened they all were. If the last shuttle didn’t make it back in time, they’d be done for. He kept their spirits up by asking them if they were ready to go home. They could barely even nod at him.

“Shepard, if we die before we get out of here,” Joker said over the rattling of the creaking Normandy as it slowly descended. “Tell me why. Why did you do it?”

“Do what?” answered Shepard, flinching as the sound of a few more of those winged terrors spun around them.

“You know what.”

Shepard glanced at him, seeing the fire in his eyes. He did, in fact, understand what he wanted to know. “I had to.”

“What happened at the Crucible?”

“I don’t have time to explain it to you right now. It could take me forever to even get you to understand what I saw.”

“Well try, god damn it!”

Another few screeches filled the air, and the sound of claws scraping and biting into the hull enveloped them. One of the creatures crashed in through the hole, flapping its wings in desperation, turning toward the group of treats standing and waiting to be gobbled. Shepard once again detached the rifle from his back and looked down the scope.

“Hide!” he commanded the others. Most ran behind boxes and crates, but Joker stood beside him and didn’t falter. Shepard’s shoulder wouldn’t stop shaking, no matter how much he begged it to stop. “Joker! I mean it!”

“Tell me what happened, Shepard!” The Normandy shuddered and quaked, as if in protest to his demands, and the winged monster flexed its mandibles at them, stumbling toward them on uneven steps with mouth open wide.

Shepard fired a thermal round toward it, but it buzzed over its head. It did, however, manage to stop the creature as it flinched from the sound of the shot. “Damn it!” He reloaded, aiming once more for its head. He fired, this time striking true to one of its flickering eyes, which exploded from the contact of the ammunition. It flew out of the hole, shrieking to its comrades. Then, over the deafening creaks of the Normandy’s shattered hull groaning, he cried, “I had to make a choice, Joker! It wasn’t easy for me!”

“What kind of choice?!”

“I couldn’t destroy the Reapers without destroying all other synthetics!”

“There’s something you’re not telling me, Shepard!”

“We’ll talk about it once we’re safe!”

Right on cue, the first Kodiak had returned for them. Shepard ushered everyone onboard, telling them to pack in as tight as possible. They somehow managed to make it work. Then Shepard climbed in, crushing himself against the back wall. The door clicked shut, and the shuttle sped off out of the bay as the Normandy was brought down to the ground by a hoard of creatures, flapping and screeching over their prize as they grabbed and clawed it until it was defeated. The Normandy smashed into the ground, erupting in a plume of smoke and flames, and there was a simultaneous howl of victory that ruptured the skies.

“You have quite the tendency to be right on time,” Dr. Chakwas stated in admiration as their shuttle made its way toward the Arishoc.

“Luckily,” Shepard said, checking everyone on board for injuries. When his gaze met Joker’s, he saw his eyes fall to the floor in grief. “Jeff, I’m sorry.”

Jeff “Joker” Moreau peered up at him over the rim of his baseball cap. “We got out okay. That’s what matters.”

“I’ll tell everyone about the Crucible when we’re on our way back home. You included. I know you have a lot of questions. I know you might even resent me.”

He pushed out a dry laugh. “Don’t be stupid, Shepard. I don’t resent you. I just want answers.”

“You’ll get them. I swear. You’ll all get them.”

 

\------

 

Once everyone from the Normandy was safely aboard the Arishoc and the shuttles stored and docked away, Shepard met them all in the expansive crew quarters, where many of them chose their bunks. He didn’t get a word out before Kaidan lunged at him and engulfed him in the tightest hug Shepard had ever received in his life. Shepard didn’t address anyone else until he spent many lingering moments squeezing and cradling him, soaking up that wondrous sensation that he had been waiting almost a week to experience. He was about to speak, but Kaidan began to frantically kiss his face, apparently unconcerned with the various onlookers.

“You do that to me again,” Kaidan said with imitated fury. “And I’ll unleash biotic hell on you.”

Shepard acknowledged that threat with a smile. “I told you I’d be okay.”

“You almost weren’t. I would have jumped ship after you if I saw you go down.”

“Well, I didn’t. I’m here now. Everything’s all right.”

Kaidan once again latched onto him, crushing him powerfully against his chest, where Shepard felt warmth and comfort for the first time in days. As he buried his face in Kaidan’s neck, he had almost forgotten all about the rest of the crew standing around waiting for them to finish. Serenity washed over both his blood and cybernetics when Kaidan’s hand traced the back of his head, putting him at a sense of ease he desperately needed after so many close calls.

Garrus announced to the others, “I get the bunk by the window.”

“Bullshit,” James argued. “It’s mine.”

“I’ll fight you for it.” His beady eyes narrowed.

This didn’t seem to be an adequate transaction to him. “You fight _me_? Okay. How about an arm wrestle?”

“Hmph. Deal. Over here, Vega.” Garrus sat at a table at the far end of the room, where James joined him. They proceeded to grip each other’s fists and strain their arms.

“I can see not a lot’s changed in my absence,” Shepard whispered in Kaidan’s ear.

“Believe me,” Kaidan whispered back. “This is the happiest they’ve been since we crashed.”

“Step aside, Kaidan,” Tali said, squeezing in between them.

Kaidan stumbled back as he was forced out of the picture, and watched as Tali smothered Shepard in a tight hug. He allowed the others to have their time with him, knowing he’d have plenty of moments with him later, hopefully for the rest of his life.

“Forgive me, Shepard,” Tali said under her breath as his arms came around her waist to return the affection. “I know this might be… unprofessional. But I’m so glad to see you alive.”

Shepard didn’t mind her candor in the slightest. “I’m glad to see you too, Tali.” He didn’t protest the discomfort of her thick mask pressing against his already-aching collarbone. It was much too bittersweet.

Liara joined in and cozied up to Shepard for a group hug. “I know you have told me you don’t like too much attention, Shepard…”

“Lay it on me, Liara.” He pulled her in with his left arm, and she beamed with delight as her arms encompassed his neck.

Two more sets of hands snuck in, those belonging to Dr. Chakwas and Traynor. “So good to see you,” Traynor chimed, near tears. Steve joined the pile of fawning fans, giving Shepard many repeated thanks, as well as complimenting his style.

“I win,” Garrus declared as he slammed James’ hand down on the table.

“Aw, come on,” James whined. “You’re a turian.”

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“You have those claw things. It’s not a hand. It’s a mitt.”

“Oh, get over yourself. I won fair and square.”

James had another proposal in mind. “Best two outta three?”

Garrus shook his head and dismissed him, then approached the dogpile that was cuddling Shepard to death. “All right, people, stop hogging him. Make way for the best friend.” The crowd dispersed, leaving only Shepard and Vakarian, toe-to-toe and eye-to-eye. Shepard thought that Garrus would hug him like the others, but instead he rose his hand to his forehead and saluted him.

“What is this nonsense, Garrus?” Shepard chuckled.

“I’m giving you what’s left of my respect for you, Shepard.”

“What? What are you…?”

“Because I know your name is _John._ ”

Shepard cringed, then looked to Kaidan, knowing he was the culprit. Kaidan only shrugged and grinned innocently. “Something wrong with that?”

“Only if you’re named John. Which you are.”

“Garrus, how have you served under me for three years without knowing that?”

With the tables turned on him, Garrus changed the subject. “Shepard… it’s good to have you back. I took one look at that beam spitting out of the Citadel, and thought, ‘that’s the gateway to Hell, and Shepard is planning to walk right through it.’ Every instinct in my gut told me to turn around and go back to pull your ass out of it. I thought, ‘He’s no unstoppable war machine, but he can pull this off. I know he can. I believe in him’. And I’d be a fool if I said I wasn’t terrified for you. I’d be an even bigger fool if I stood here and said I could sleep at night after I saw the Citadel explode. The galaxy really would have been empty without you. And now because of you, we can live in it. But I can speak for everyone here when I say, living in it is going to be a hell of a lot easier when you’re living in it, too.”

A tearful grin spread over Shepard’s face. “Vakarian… are you going to hug me, or what?”

“Damn right, I am, partner.”

Shepard was practically lifted off of his feet as the towering turian smothered him. He hugged Garrus back to the best of his ability, but with how bulbous his torso was, it was a feat no man could accomplish easily. When they parted, Garrus spun Shepard back toward Kaidan.

“He’s all yours,” he told him.

Neither Shepard nor Kaidan said much to each other, but a few loving strokes to Kaidan’s face spoke more than words. Kaidan leaned his cheek against his palm, which he kissed. Joker, now taking a seat on one of the many hundreds of bunks around them, cleared his throat.

Shepard looked toward Joker, releasing Kaidan’s face and turning around to address the crowd. “I’m sure you’re all wondering what happened to me. To the Reapers.” There was a low mumble of agreement from everyone. “I’ll recount everything as I’m able. Frankly, it’s barely a small dot in my memory.”

Each member of the crew took seats around the room like huddling around a campfire for Shepard Story Time. He had the attention of every one of them, and no one made a sound. Not a cough, a sniff, or a sneeze.

Shepard began his tale by explaining the Catalyst, which was the Citadel itself, and it presented itself to him as an ethereal child who gave him three options with which to utilize to save the galaxy. The option to control the Reapers was out of the question for him, since it entailed immortality, something he didn’t exactly look forward to. The option to fuse his energy with the Crucible’s to create a whole new brand of DNA to combine synthetics and organics was also not ideal for him, since he felt it was too much like forcing something on others they couldn’t choose on their own. His ultimate choice, to destroy the Reapers, meant also eliminating every other synthetic being. With the geth already dominated by the quarians, it was an easier choice. He told Joker that EDI was only one sacrifice he had to make, and even then, it might have been too many.

Joker was much better composed than Shepard assumed he’d be. “I would have choked if it was me up there. And we’d still be at war right now. I’m glad it was you making the choice and not me. I just wish EDI could have seen what she died for.”

“I wish she could, too, Jeff,” Shepard told him. From the way Joker finally hugged him, Shepard knew that it might take time, but Joker would eventually forgive him.

 

\-----

 

That night on the Arishoc was one of the rowdiest any Alliance cruiser had ever seen, and the original crew had a few harsh opinions about towing around the party animals lifted from the Normandy. Their words, however, never reached Shepard or his mates, as they might have gotten hushed up on the way. The survivors of the Normandy were important. Damn important. Let them party if they wanted to. They had that right.

James, with the help of Garrus and Steve, raided the kitchen and absconded with every last bottle of beer they found on deck. They were chased off by the irate kitchen help, but it was fruitless to do so. The beer was theirs and wouldn’t be pried from their cold, dead hands.

In the crew quarters, which was full of the busy, chattering crew from the Normandy, everyone shared a few drinks and toasted to the start of a clean slate. James just had to mention the party they had at Shepard’s apartment. This got everyone talking about what a great time that was. Shepard reminded them that the apartment was probably lying at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean by now, which put a grim spin on the festivities.

“Here’s to hoping you find another one just like it,” Garrus toasted, to which everyone agreed. “And that you rent one of the rooms out to me.”

As the beverages continued to be consumed, everyone passed around stories of how they met Shepard. Some were greater than others, and a few, much to Shepard’s discontent, were humorous and at his expense.

“Is this how you’d all talk about me if I wasn’t here?” he asked.

“Oh, no, Shepard,” Liara replied. “This is the nice stuff.”

“Yes, Shepard,” Garrus added. “We’d be much crueler if you were gone. We’d talk about the time you slid off that ladder…”

Shepard, desperate, cut him off. “Okay. That’s enough.”

“And got your boot caught in one of the rungs…”

“Don’t do it, Vakarian.”

“And you let go, and toppled over, upside down, hanging by your own foot and staring down at us looking for help. We let him hang there for about twenty seconds straight because we were too busy recording it on our omni-tools. He made us promise never to tell unless he died.” They all had a few giggles.

“You’re all so sweet and helpful,” he told the room, sarcastically. “You know, I just saved the galaxy. I think I’m allowed a mistake or two.”

“Good point. You always know how to win them, Shepard.”

After a few hours, everyone was focused on their own activities with each other, and not so much reflecting on Shepard. This gave him the opportunity to snag Kaidan away from the crowd and sneak off with him to the room he had been spending almost a week of his time in. Kaidan was in awe when he saw it, and the first thing he checked out was the wall-sized window overlooking the stars, which were going by at a blurring speed too fast for the human mind to even comprehend.

“So this was where they stored you,” he remarked, looking at the machines he had seen Shepard hooked up to in the past. “It’s not as nice as your cabin on the Normandy was, but… it’s a nice switch.”

Shepard stepped up behind him and folded his arms around Kaidan’s waist, nuzzling the back of his neck. “I wasn’t a fan. The bed was too cold. Come to think of it… my bed in the cabin wasn’t that great, either.”

“It wasn’t so bad when I was in it.”

“No. It wasn’t.” He squeezed him a bit tighter, and Kaidan leaned back against him, resting his palms on Shepard’s forearms. “You were on my mind the whole time I was up there. I could see Earth from where I stood. I saw it burning. I saw Reapers blowing up everything in their path. Every bone in my body ached and burned, and my head was pounding. It was like something out of a horrible nightmare, but I could hear it. I could smell it. I could feel it. And all I could think about was you.”

“Shepard…” Kaidan moaned in an attempt to be comforting, but it came out in sadness.

“You know how people talk about their life flashing before their eyes before they die? That didn’t happen for me. It was my future that I saw. Or the future I knew I’d never have. It gave me peace, but… it hurt so much. I had always cared about you. I had always done what I could to protect you. And yet, I felt like we had such little time together. I didn’t want to go like that, Kaidan. I was up there wishing you were with me. I couldn’t go without you.”

Kaidan’s hand found its way to Shepard’s, and he unhooked it from his waist and slipped his fingers between his. That’s when he noticed his hand was shaking in his grip. “I would have gone with you if you hadn’t stopped me.”

“I know you would have. That’s why I had to. It hurt like hell, but I had to keep you safe. Even if I didn’t make it.”

“Joker almost stayed behind, you know. I had to tell him to get us out of there. Shepard… God. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Every part of me told me to stay behind, to stay with you. Accepting that you were gone…” He sighed and shut his eyes to block the threat of oncoming tears. “That I’d never see you again… that wasn’t really a galaxy I wanted to be a part of, no matter how much peace you brought to it. There’s no universe without you.”

Shepard’s embrace tightened, and he tucked his face down into Kaidan’s shoulder. “I’m not leaving you like that, ever again.”

“You wouldn’t be able to anyway. Because I’ll be chained to you.”

Shepard, beside himself, chuckled. “Good. I wouldn’t want it any other way.” Kaidan turned around to face him, and they embraced each other properly, and didn’t let go of one another for a very long time.


	6. Hauntings

Pillars of smoke rose over the towers of London, coating the air with a cloud of blackness. No matter how thick it grew, the great silhouettes of Reapers could be seen for miles, painting the sky ebony-crimson. Shepard limped through the hollowed-out streets, kicking a chunk of cement from a fallen building with every step he took.

His scorched skin boiled with persistent pain as he marched on through the hallowed ground, the smell of death burrowing itself in his nose, leaving a permanent imprint on his brain. His insides not only ached, but they pulsed rhythmically in a fiery electric zap, coursing in waves from his skull downward. It was impossible for humans to “feel” like a color, but something in his mind repeated the word RED.

There, in the distance, was the Citadel’s beam, and guarding it was Harbinger. Shepard pushed his way there with every ounce of strength he had, but he could go no faster when his every organ throbbed within him. Harbinger, who seemed a lot more docile than what Shepard was accustomed to, watched his every step, beckoning him forth with a lullaby of mechanical trumpeting.

Shepard stumbled and fell to the ground several times, but he pushed on. It wasn’t the beam he was interested in anymore, but Harbinger, whose loom over the city was no longer threatening, but a call to destiny. As Shepard dragged his heels onward, he eventually reached both the beam and Harbinger, the sound of Reapers ripping through the sky overhead vibrating his entire chest.

Voices entered his mind in a surreal cacophony. They were familiar to him, but also lost in time.

_That looks like Reaper tech to me._

_Trust me. It’s safe._

_Are you sure? It’s not just some husk we’re making here. You told me it wasn’t worth the risk, and I agreed with you._

_We don’t need a lot. Just enough. It’ll work._

_And… indoctrination?_

_It shouldn’t be an issue._

Garrus’ voice was the next to tune in. _What were they doing with this technology?_

Tali: _Keelah… Reaper technology._

Kaidan came in next. _Is this what they did to you?_

Shepard recalled his rebuttal. _How could you compare me to him?_

 _Shepard, I don’t know what you are. Or who._ These words echoed and rang a few times in Shepard’s mind as he gazed up at the skyscraper-sized Reaper before him.

“Shepard,” boomed the robotic voice of Harbinger. “Come. Closer.”

Any other time, he would have found it strange that Harbinger took the time to speak to him. Suddenly, it made perfect sense. Behind him, he heard the Normandy lift off, and he looked to see Kaidan and Garrus climbing aboard to safety. “No…” He winced as the pain in his gut seized him again. He clutched his waist to mend his agony. “Don’t. Please.”

Ashley’s voice buzzed into his comm radio. _You know it’s the right choice, LT._

Mordin: _Someone else may have gotten it wrong._

Legion: _Shepard-Commander. This unit did have a soul. We all did._

“Don’t,” he begged Harbinger, but its bright red lights burned through him.

Anderson: _You did good, son. I’m proud of you._

EDI: _I’m right here, Jeff._

Harbinger’s cannon opened up, preparing to fire. “You have failed, Shepard. The cycle continues.” The blazing, crimson laser blasted the ground, leaving a charred trail toward Shepard. This was it. His attempts at ending the war had been futile, and there was to be no end in sight. Future organic civilizations would suffer due to his pitiful negligence. The beam of Harbinger’s main weapon veered off to Shepard’s right, hitting the Normandy and shredding it out of the sky.

Time slowed to a crawl as Shepard turned toward the frigate as it ruptured into several pieces, the smell of burning fuel and charred bodies assailing his nostrils. He fell to his knees, wailing in defeat and bereavement, flattening his scraped and bruised palms against the crumbled remains of buildings. Debris from the Normandy rained around him, trinkets and gifts he had given to his crew landing in front of him like a flaming memorial.

With a startling cry, Shepard woke drenched in sweat, panting and gasping as he sat up and clutched his face. His sudden waking stirred Kaidan, who had been resting in the bed beside him.

“Hey,” he said with a soothing inflection, also sitting up. “Hey, you okay?”

“I’m all right,” Shepard said to him after a few heavy breaths, wiping the perspiration from his forehead. He took in his surroundings, reminding himself where we was: the cabin he had been resting in while recuperating from his near-fatal descent.

Kaidan’s head rested upon his shoulder, his hand smoothing his bare back. “Nightmares again, huh?”

Shepard sighed, his heartbeat slowing down to a normal speed. “Yeah. The war’s over, but it still…”

“Haunts you.”

He nodded, rubbing his weary eyes. He took a few moments to breathe, his muscles loosening at Kaidan’s touch. In time, the dream faded from his memory. “I wish there were some things I could forget. There’s so much destruction that I was a part of that I just want no memory of. I once heard someone say that getting close and attached to your crew was a mistake. You know why?” He glanced at Kaidan, whose concern elevated as this conversation continued. Kaidan said nothing, but his melancholy expression said more than enough. “Because one day, you might lose them. I never took that very seriously, because even after graduating the N7 program, I didn’t think I’d be putting my team in a lot of immediate danger. I thought it would be nothing but chasing pirates around the Terminus Systems, or hauling mercs out of Omega. I didn’t know I’d be…” He bit down on his lip, then rubbed his eyes again. “I didn’t know I’d be the one to lead them into a war that I had no idea how to win.”

“Shepard…” Kaidan eased, brushing at his buzzed hair with his hand. It was starting to grow back, and soon enough, he’d shave it off again. “You had no way of knowing. None of us did.”

“I sometimes wonder if Hackett was out of his mind when he picked me to handle the situation. Did he think that Akuze made me the right hero for the job? Because that was hardly the best prerequisite for heroism.”

Kaidan comforted him with a light rubbing of his shoulders. “I think _you_ made you the right hero for the job. You were far more ready than anyone else to take on the responsibility.”

“I doubt that sometimes. I just wish I could go back, knowing what I know now. If I could, I would change the way I did things. The choices I made. Like on Virmire.”

At the subject of Ashley, Kaidan tensed up somewhat. “The more you wish, the more you regret. And I don’t want you living your life in regret after everything you’ve done. I know we’ve both been through hell together. Maybe worse. What happened to Ash still kills me almost every day. I know you told me I wasn’t responsible, but…”

“You weren’t, Kaidan. It’s no one’s fault.”

“You say that. But just like you feel responsible for everyone that died on your watch, Ash is my burden to carry. Just like when you… you died.”

Shepard tugged him close and bumped heads with him. “That wasn’t your fault, either.”

“No. But I should have been there to keep Cerberus from filling you with God knows what.”

“You sound like you’d prefer if I was dead.”

“No, Shepard,” Kaidan replied with a wounded tone, hurt that he would suggest such a thing. “That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Honestly, I should have known that seeing you on the Normandy right before the Collectors shot it down, it would be the last time I saw you. We all did our best to move on, and I tried like crazy to forget it happened. You were my hero. And you fell. The others took it in their own ways, but me… I ended up losing about fifteen pounds. I was a wreck. And then I heard the news that Cerberus did… _something_ to you. I didn’t know what, but I sure didn’t like it. I didn’t like the thought of them defiling your body like that. Believe me, I’m glad you’re alive. So glad. But they couldn’t let you rest peacefully. They had to make you into some…” He tethered off, scratching his neck.

“Kaidan, you don’t still think I’m controlled by them, do you?”

“No. Hell no. Shepard, I know it’s you. No one can imitate you this well.” He sighed and clung a bit tighter to Shepard’s torso, and moaned with approval when Shepard’s fingers clutched his hair. “I wish you could have seen the vigil we held for you after it happened. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.”

He didn’t intend to, but he chuckled. Nothing about it was funny, and yet, he couldn’t help himself. “To think you almost had to hold another one.”

“Yeah. Don’t remind me. I never want to go through that again.”

They both fell onto their backs, and Kaidan curled up on his chest. That was definitely the right medicine for his ailment. He thought back on the hazy visions he had before he was found at the Citadel’s wreckage, where he saw his friends gathered in mourning. “What was it like? My vigil, I mean?”

Kaidan drew a few long breaths. “There was a big picture of you. With flowers around it. Hundreds of people holding candles. Everyone sniffling. They all had these stories to tell. I couldn’t even keep myself composed enough to tell one. I wanted to tell them about how you always had this determined look in your eye whenever you spoke to me, and how much I admired that in you. How much I loved it about you. Needless to say, it was really hard. I had come to care a lot about you by then, and…”

He didn’t want to comment on how eerily similar his description of the vigil was to his dying dream. “How come you waited so long to tell me?”

Looking from the left, to the right, then back again, Kaidan said with a sigh, “I don’t know. I felt like such a naïve kid. Here you were, this great, revered commander who had done all of these amazing things… and… I know it sounds stupid now, but back then, I didn’t think I was good enough for someone like that— someone like you. I got my hopes up whenever you’d come to see me and chat with me when we were on the SR1. We never seemed to get around to discussing relationships, did we?”

“I wish you had said something. I liked your company. It relaxed me. And distracted me, if you know what I mean.”

Kaidan quietly laughed at that. “Maybe it was best I didn’t give you many more distractions. You got this amusing frown on your face when I told you how easy on the eyes Liara was. You seemed so uptight when you asked if I planned to act on it.”

Shepard huffed. “Okay. So I was jealous.”

“I’m not saying it was a bad thing, really. I liked that you felt that way.”

“You liked making me _jealous_?”

The grin on Kaidan’s face still hadn’t evaporated. “No, no, not making you. But I did like that you were. It felt like the closest thing we could have to being with each other.”

“Is that why you couldn’t keep your trap shut every time we went to Chora’s Den?”

Kaidan grinned bashfully and hid his face in a pillow. “Maybe.”

Climbing on top of Kaidan’s back and tackling him down, Shepard laughed, “Sounds like you just enjoyed torturing your commanding officer.”

Snickering, Kaidan said, “I’m not confirming or denying anything.” He then fought Shepard off of him without much effort, shoved him onto his back and collapsed on top of him, taking the opportunity to join their mouths together. Their voices blended into a chorus of moans.

Their bliss was only temporary, as the door hummed open and in stepped a visitor: Davies. Kaidan reacted first by climbed off of Shepard and draping the blankets over himself, but Shepard was a bit more nonplussed, and merely stared at Davies with both intent and curiosity while tugging on the band of his boxers to readjust himself.

“Oh!” she gasped, slapping a hand over her mouth. “I… I’m so sorry, Commander.”

“It’s all right, Lieutenant,” Shepard eased in a way that was both tired and patient.

“I would have knocked, but you know how modern doors are. They just…” She then imitated the electronic sound that sliding doors made.

“I know. It’s all right. What do you need?

After first giving Kaidan a lopsided smile with a shy bat of the eyelash, and following Kaidan’s awkward wave of acknowledgment, she turned her attention to Shepard. “Admiral Hackett would like to speak to you.”

“Tell him I’ll be ready in a moment.”

Davies gave the half-naked Kaidan another once over, smirked seductively, then wandered out.

Kaidan’s face fell into his palms. “That… was just a little embarrassing.”

While pulling on a shirt, Shepard remarked, “Don’t be so modest, Kaidan. You’ve got the goods. You deserve to be ogled.”

“Thank you, Shepard. Your methods of comfort are always satisfactory.”

“Why do I detect sarcasm?”

He beamed impishly. “I have no idea.”

Shepard flattened his hands on the mattress and leaned forward to plant a brief kiss on Kaidan’s mouth. “I’ll be back soon. Don’t start without me.”

“What if I just did warm-ups?”

“Great. That’ll be on my mind the whole time I talk to my superior. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Just for good measure, Shepard laid another kiss on him (one with a bit more enthusiasm), then yanked on some pants before leaving him alone. He passed several of the crew on his way to the elevator that would take him to the massive and oversized CIC, with everyone either muttering his name as he drifted by, or saluting him honorably. By the time he heard his tenth “It’s him, it’s Commander Shepard,” he thought he’d be getting ready to sign autographs, but thankfully, Admiral Hackett put a stop to the fawning by waving Shepard over to the wall of hundreds of terminals stretched along the bridge, which looked as long as a mile, in Shepard’s opinion.

“Shepard,” Hackett greeted. Shepard echoed his salutation. For once, Hackett’s face wasn’t scrunched up into a look of seriousness. “First of all, great job on getting your crew back alive.”

“I’m sorry about the Normandy. I promised you a lot of things from that ship. I know military funding isn’t exactly through the roof right now.”

“What matters is that you got them out. We couldn’t have predicted a bunch of flying hellbeasts would take her down.”

“Yeah. That was certainly not on my list of expectations.”

“Regardless. You did good. As is your style.”

“I’m just glad they’re okay.”

Admiral Hackett approved with a firm nod. “I can’t say the same for my crew after they had interacted with them.”

Thinking he might have been reprimanding him, Shepard prepared for his rebuttal. “I know they were a little rowdy.”

“I’m not complaining. These people have been tense and on edge, even after you destroyed the Reapers. They needed a break, to ease their stress. Your companions showed them a good time. Maybe a little too good.”

Shepard then relaxed. “Oh. Yes, they can certainly have that effect on people.”

“Listen. I know the last thing you want to discuss is work after all you’ve been through, and I’m going to try to make things easy on you.”

“What have you got for me?”

With a grateful and admiring nod, Hackett walked with Shepard down the lengthy bridge of the Arishoc. “Nothing that’ll put you under fire. Well, not the kind delivered by thermal clips, anyway. As much as the Alliance needs you, I can’t imagine putting your body under further pressure. We would like you in one piece. I’m sure everyone else can agree.”

“If I may speak freely…”

“Absolutely.”

“I’m _very_ glad you said that.”

“I thought you would be.” They continued on their path, many of the navigators turning their heads at the sight of Commander Shepard strolling by. “I’ve already assumed you’re ready to resign from your post.”

“The East Coast is sounding better each day I think about it, honestly. I don’t necessarily enjoy the thought of hanging my armor on the wall, but my time to settle down is a little overdue. And I’d like to while I’m still glued together.”

“I would like to give you that chance, Shepard. If anyone deserves to have a family, it’s you.”

They stopped halfway along the bridge, and Shepard looked toward the cockpit, which compared to that on the Normandy, was enormous. “Thank you, sir.”

“This is nothing like the missions I usually put you on. This is simply a matter of public affairs. Every reporter on Earth wants an interview with you, and the politicians, well…”

“I know how they are. Trust me.”

“All you have to do is attend a press conference. Don’t worry, you’ll have support there with you. I’ll let you decide who is best to bring along. Someone who is skilled with diplomacy would be preferred. I’ll also be attending. Will it be an issue for you?”

Shepard would have preferred being shot at. At least that was something he was used to. “If I can handle choosing the fate of civilization, I can handle a few reporters.”

“They can be like ruthless varren sometimes, Shepard. Just be on your guard. Some of them won’t exactly be grateful.”

“Well, they can…” _Kiss my ass_ was how he wanted to end that thought, but it was hardly professional, and not at all like him. Still, it would have felt damn good to say it. “I’ll give it my best shot.”

“Good. That’s all I ask of you.” Shepard nodded, and Hackett did the same while giving him a gentlemanly pat on the shoulder. “You’ll know as soon as we reach home.”

 _Home_. It had been so long since he had truly had the chance to experience being there, relaxing there, inhaling the oxygen, hearing the rustling of leaves layering the trees that leaned from gusts of the heaviest ocean breezes. Seagulls were always such pests to him, but he’d kill to hear one squeal over a piece of bread right about now.

“Thank you, Admiral,” he said with hidden sentimentality. “For… everything.”

“No, Shepard. Thank _you_.” With that, Hackett gave him the proudest salute that Shepard had ever received. He returned the gesture. Then he was off, attending to other matters of the ship.

Shepard went back to the cabin, hoping to discuss the matter with Kaidan while they still had time before reaching Earth. However, when he stepped inside, he was disconcerted to see Dr. Hawthorne wandering around the room, scanning a datapad. Kaidan was nowhere to be found.

“Um…” he began, introducing annoyance into his voice. “Can I help you?”

“Commander,” Dr. Hawthorne replied, visibly agitated. “Your, uh, friend was a little rude.”

“Snooping around in here isn’t considered rude?”

He gasped, incredulous at the accusation. “Snooping! I came to give you blood tests. You haven’t had a normal appetite, and your iron might be very low, especially after losing the amount of blood you did.”

Shepard turned his head, hiding a roll of the eyes. “Can’t this wait?”

“Admiral’s orders, Commander. I’m just doing my job.”

“Fine. Let’s get it over with.” Shepard took a seat on the foot of the bed, and Dr. Phillip Hawthorne approached with caution, as though Commander John Shepard had been a six foot tiger.

Phillip’s omni-tool lit up, and he punched in a few numbers as Shepard passed him his open hand. Taking a gentle hold of Shepard’s exposed arm, Phillip dispensed some medi-gel as an antibacterial agent, then brought a fresh, sharpened scalpel blade to his middle finger. After a swift, painless swipe, Phillip collected the pouring blood into a small tray, then scanned it with the omni-tool, getting an instant reading. He blinked a few times, his mouth swiveling around in contemplation. “Hm.”

Now with his skin feeling a little on the cold side, Shepard wondered, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

This sounded like a fib to him. “Look, I kind of want to know what’s happening in my own body.”

“Really. I mean there’s nothing wrong.”

“Then why do you look so perplexed?”

“Because there should be. After the trauma you experienced, your cells suffered a heavy blow. They shouldn’t be this strong now. It’s like they… replicated.” He refused to look Shepard in the eye, his expression one of someone who had just spoken to a demon.

It was true that this kind of “good news” was on the unsettling side. “What does that mean?”

“It means that something in you is assisting with tissue regeneration.”

“ _Something_? You mean you don’t know?”

“No. I’m puzzled.” He closed the omni-tool before Shepard could take a look at it. “Why don’t we just pretend we didn’t have this talk?”

“Wait a minute. What did you see?”

“Nothing to be concerned about just yet, Commander. I should go.” He scurried out before Shepard could make any further comments.

Shepard, who now had a chill racing up his back, left the cabin and traced Kaidan’s steps, first checking the crew deck, where the men and women of the Normandy were nursing a hangover. Some of the waved, some of them said hello, and others simply groaned. Tali was the only sober one, and the only one fully awake.

“Tali,” he called, gleeful.

“Hello, Shepard,” she said with just as much delight. “I see you’ve avoided the bottle, as always.”

“A commander needs a clear head, you know.”

“As does an admiral. That and I couldn’t find any emergency induction ports anywhere.”

“You mean straws.”

Her head wagged in exasperation. She wasn’t about to have this argument a second time. “Did you need me for something?”

Shepard waved her to an area of the room where they wouldn’t wake the others with their speaking. “When I return to Earth, I’m going to a press conference. Out of everyone I know, I think you’re the best diplomat. I’d like you to be there.”

“Really?” The eyes behind her mask lit up. “I’d love to help you, Shepard. It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me and the Flotilla. I won’t let you down, my friend.”

“Thank you, Tali. Did Kaidan stop by here?”

“For a moment. I think he was looking for a coffee machine. Said he had a migraine.”

He thanked her a second time and continued his search to the kitchen. There he found Kaidan chatting with a few of the engineering crew of the Arishoc, who were listening to some of his extravagant tales of going after the Reapers with the one and only Shepard. Their starry-eyed stares went unblinking for almost a minute when he described the destruction of a Reaper destroyer in London. They began asking questions as soon as they could take a breath, questioning how it was possible that only the three of them faced that challenge while under fire from so many Reaper husks. Kaidan told them that they all had incredible talents of their own to utilize, and they looked out for one another. This seemed to amaze them the most.

“Kaidan, you left out the best part of the story,” added Shepard, strolling up behind them.

“I don’t think that Harbinger almost killing us all was really the best part. I intentionally left it out. It’s a little grim.”

“Harbinger?” gasped one of the engineers, eyes somehow wider than before.

“Now look what you did,” Kaidan reprimanded with a hint of a smile.

“You have my apologies, Major. I figured the fan club wanted every detail.”

“Maybe not _every_ detail.”

Shepard looked to the members of the crew whose jaws were nearly touching the table they all sat at. “Pardon us, folks. I need to borrow the major for a moment.” Their looks of intrigue melted into discontent, and Kaidan left them to discuss the tales they all just heard amongst each other.

“Jeez,” Kaidan commented once he and Shepard were alone and wandering the empty corridors of the ship’s massive observation deck, which was an expansive room complete with a window overlooking the zipping stars. On the opposite wall were hung portraits of high-ranking officers from the Alliance. A photo of Shepard was among them. “I knew people would be grateful to us for what we did for them… but I didn’t think they’d look up to me like that. I don’t mind being remembered that way, but the attention can get a little suffocating.”

“They’re just excited. Not every soldier went into the Reaper War with medals of honor and steadfast resilience.”

“I know that. And I’m glad we could give them a future. I really am. It’s just still sort of sinking in for me, you know? It feels like I was just made a Spectre a few days ago, and it feels like only yesterday that you were saying your goodbyes to me. I haven’t had much time to think about tomorrow, Shepard. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that there will even be a tomorrow.”

“Trust me, Kaidan. I know exactly how you feel.”

He sighed and leaned against the wall, facing the window, mindful of the picture he almost knocked down. “Sorry. I sound almost like I’m still grieving you. I don’t mean to get so serious. Was there something you wanted to talk about?”

“A few things.” He rested against the wall beside him, leaning on him, watching space warp past them. He flashed back to Anderson, sitting next to him on the Citadel, slipping away from him as so many others had. He was gone before he even had a chance to say goodbye. With the Reapers eliminated, he had no one else to be angry with but himself.

Once he had gone completely silent, and his expression of intent had transitioned into a thousand-yard stare, Kaidan placed a hand on his shoulder and asked, “Are you okay?”

Kaidan’s touch lurched him back to reality, and he exited his flashback with a soft inhale. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m all right. I’m sure you already gathered this, but I’m retiring from the Alliance.”

“I really wouldn’t have expected anything else, Shepard.”

“I know how devoted you are to the Alliance. And I couldn’t be prouder of you for that. They need someone like you. So I understand if you… I just mean that I… when I go, you might want to…” He rubbed his forehead. “This sounded better in my head.”

“Shepard.” He detached his back from the wall and stood before him, draping his arms over Shepard’s shoulders. “You don’t have to give me an ultimatum.”

There was so much warmth and kindness in his grip, and it never ceased to be the best stress-reliever. He provided him with just as much tenderness by holding his waist and pulling him close enough to where they could feel each other’s breaths. “I’m not. I want you to be happy, Kaidan. If you’re happier here, with a crew and a purpose, I won’t take that away from you. I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Kaidan’s smile turned his heart to goop, as it always had since he first met him. “I decided my days of warring were over when we were in London. My parents told me that our home in Vancouver would always be there when I’m ready to come home. I think I’m ready to go home. I’m tired of watching people die, whether or not they’re on my side.”

“I’m relieved to hear I don’t have to worry about you.”

“There’s something I want to ask you.”

“Anything.”

“Where are you planning to go when we get back?”

He gave it some thought, but he could only come up with one good answer. “Where do you want me to be?”

At first, the only answer Kaidan gave him was a broad smile. Then he made a suggestion. “Well… why don’t you come with me to Vancouver?"

He didn't enjoy having to drop the veil of hope, but he remembered what that city looked like when he left it, and was sure Kaidan's memories were the same. "I'm sure, with the Reapers gone... it's not..." No matter how he twisted the words around, he couldn't bring himself to lie to him. Vancouver was already half-gone when he abandoned Earth, and it didn't look like it would be repaired any time soon.

“I told you about the view overlooking the English Bay, but that’s only one of the great things about it.”

Shepard had no idea if Kaidan was in denial, or the amount of tragedy in the past month or two had completely blocked out the memory of his home getting decimated. It could have been that Kaidan had the optimism he wished he had. Regardless, he wanted only to give him anything he needed, even if that meant turning over a fallen tower and rebuilding it from the ground up with his bare hands. He locked lips with him, and they spent a few extra moments holding each other. When their mouths parted, he told him, “As long you’re with me, I’ll go anywhere.” The way Kaidan’s entire face illuminated at these words, he knew that he wanted nothing more than to continue to make him that happy for the remainder of his life.

“I’m sure my parents already approve in my choice of partner,” said Kaidan, modestly. “In fact, my mother’s probably going to keep you so occupied with questions that I’ll never get to be alone with you.”

Shepard usually tried to keep things as real as possible, but he didn't have it in him to say that not many people would have made it out of Vancouver alive after what happened. If Kaidan's parents survived, they'd be among the lucky ones. If Kaidan spoke about them with such certainty, he must have been keeping in contact with them. “I think she has a right to. After all, I almost got you killed.”

“She doesn’t have to know that part.”

Their mouths connected again, and they didn’t separate for at least a minute or so. When they eventually parted, Kaidan used Shepard’s shoulder as a resting pace for his cheek. “Dr. Hawthorne didn’t pester you, did he?” wondered Shepard.

“Doctor? You mean that one that came into the cabin?” When Shepard confirmed with a nod, Kaidan said, “I had no idea he was a doctor. He just barged in and started asking me a bunch of invasive questions. I wouldn’t have minded as much, but he knew things about Jump Zero. I don’t know where he got that information about me, but I sure didn’t give it to him. He must have pulled a file.”

Shepard was already wary around Phillip Hawthorne, but this only added to list of suspicions. “He wouldn’t have access to such things. Maybe someone around the ship told him about you.”

“It’s not exactly information that’s available to anyone. It’s in my records, and my friends and family know about it. And you. But I don’t exactly go around talking about Commander Vyrnnus. Or anyone else from BAat. I don’t exactly want to relive it. Unless… someone betrayed my trust in them.”

“I wouldn’t have done that, Kaidan.”

“I know. You weren’t the one I was thinking of.” The joy that had been in Kaidan’s eyes had now vacated, exchanged for intense apprehension.

“I’m going to have a little talk with him. I’ll get the matter settled.”

“It might be better if you don’t. There’s a chance it could mean nothing at all. Don’t worry about it for now. But Shepard… be careful around him, okay?”

Shepard agreed to let it go for the moment, but he’d keep it in mind. Something didn’t feel right about it. He attended to the next matter at hand: extending the invitation for Kaidan to join him to speak at the conference. Kaidan not only agreed to do so, but said he would guard him. Shepard told him that they most likely wouldn’t be in any danger, but if it did come to that, he wouldn’t trust anyone else as much as he did Kaidan to watch out for him.

For the time being, he returned with him to the cabin and helped rid him of his persisting migraine by massaging his neck. It was Kaidan’s suggestion that they watch a vid, and Shepard was inclined to agree. The last vid he saw was _Fleet and Flotilla_ with Tali, and it wasn’t too bad. He would have watched that one again.

One film they discovered was _Akuze_ , which Shepard had to turn away, despite Kaidan’s intrigue with the events that kick-started Shepard into the commander everyone came to know. Kaidan, however, understood his refusal when told it was just something he couldn’t watch happen a second time without feeling ill. “It’d be like if they made a vid about what happened to you in BAat and turned a disgusting profit from it,” he explained, though Kaidan didn’t need such validation. He wouldn’t have forced him to watch it either way.

“We’ll watch the _Blasto_ marathon instead,” Kaidan stated, a bit more chipper to keep Shepard’s mood up.

In Shepard’s mind, anything would have worked, as long as it wasn’t a film about his life. Living it once was already hard enough.

The days that followed involved similar routines, only now Shepard could spend a bit more time with the rest of his crew now that alcohol wasn’t involved. It was then that he heard the news that a lot of humans that resided on the Citadel had been evacuated to Earth and surrounding colonies on other systems prior to the hit on London. Many of them were transferred to refugee camps when they were disallowed docking privileges on the Citadel during the war.

There was also a lot of talk about the wards being intact after the blast, and many people being rescued from the wards while they were still afloat. This had Shepard wondering exactly what parts of the Citadel were still drifting around space, and how much of it truly had landed on Earth with him.

“Maybe rebuilding the Citadel isn’t a hopeless cause,” Shepard realized, glimmering with positivity. It was possible that his destruction could be undone after all. Things could eventually go back to normal. Even the mass relays could be rebuilt.

“Oh, it could definitely be rebuilt,” Garrus stated. “But if it was, things really need to change there.”

“I’m all for any kind of fresh start. Even if it takes another century or two.”

 

\------

 

It was no easy task getting Shepard and the rest of the crew down to Earth’s surface without drawing immediate attention from any crowd, whether it was big or small. As quick as Shepard’s trip was in the drop shuttle, he could still see people cheering at them from below like one immense wave of sports fans.

Lieutenant Davies escorted them to the location of the conference, which was to take place in Washington, or what was left of it. Much of the city skylines had been leveled in recent history, and not many famous locations were as recognizable as they once were. The only building good enough to be used for communications was a hollowed-out shopping center which was dripping with leaks from busted pipes and ivy stretching around the cropped edges. If it hadn’t been the victim of devastation, Shepard would call it artistic; perhaps even beautiful. Never would he have looked at the desecrated ruins of human civilization and called it a pinnacle of human evolution, but something about it simply screamed “the human race.”

On their arrival, a collection of journalists, members of the Alliance military and aliens alike, and onlookers and spectators of all kinds on the sidelines had condensed themselves into a tightly packed area inside the skeleton of what was once a lively place to shop and converse. In here, the rocks weren’t as dense, and the oxygen was crisp and new, as though the planet had been rebirthed and cleaned out. It was unusual, given the amount of rubble that had accumulated, and the smoke pillars that could be seen in the far distance. In the direction of Seattle was a dead Reaper, on its back with its legs in the air. Shepard could hear its trumpeting call still cutting through the air, and a chill weakened his bones. He hadn’t even realized he was out of the shuttle when he laid eyes on it. All it took was one gaze, and he couldn’t pry it away.

Kaidan and Tali, both dressed presentably for representing Shepard during the interviewing process, joined him outside. They began talking amongst each other, while Kaidan drew in several deep breaths through his nose. They hadn’t noticed Shepard climbing upon the heaps of downed walls and collapsed pillars to get a better look at the Reaper corpse.

It really had been dead. Completely lifeless, frozen, and unmistakably shut down. Its elongated hindquarters were stretched over thousands of feet of land, and even if the entire crowd had stacked up in a straight line, they’d never reach the top of one of its legs. Shepard had seen more than enough Reapers to last a lifetime (or yes, even two), but the one that had lied dead before him was like seeing Sovereign for the first time all over again. They really had been extravagant in their own way. The Illusive Man might have been right about that.

A flicker of red light caught his eye, and he looked toward its source. Despite being at least a mile or two away, the sudden beam of the Reaper’s cannon could be seen from Shepard’s position. It struck the clouds above, parting them, bloodying the sky. Following the electronic screech of the beam activating, Shepard could hear it rumbling throughout his entire body: the walloping bass of the Reaper’s signal, a call for help. A call of destruction. It bellowed within him, turning his insides, clenching them into a ball. He wanted to make a mad dash, escape the entrenching horror upon him, but his legs would not obey him. He was paralyzed.

“ _Shepard,_ ” it howled in its metallic song. “ _You have failed._ ”

Something grabbed him, tore him from the safety of the perch he was hiding in. He screamed in terror and tumbled down to the ground, landing on his back. When he looked up, he saw the fearful face of Kaidan, who desperately tried to help him back to his feet.

“Oh my god,” Kaidan had said, though hardly above a whisper. He rested a comforting hand on his back. “Shepard. John, are you okay?”

Shepard rubbed his eyes, which now throbbed. The red beam that had blotted out the sky had now faded away. The Earth’s atmosphere was as cobalt and lavender as it had ever been. What the hell just happened? “You… you didn’t see…?” When he touched his forehead, he noticed it was damp; sweaty.

“See what?”

“The Reaper, it…” When he glanced up, he noticed that everyone around him had their eyes on him, and many of them were whispering to one another. “N…never mind.” He ignored them for the moment, and distracted himself by focusing on Kaidan, who seemed devoted to helping him. He softened his voice when he spoke to him. “I’m okay.”

Kaidan brought his palm to his face, and Shepard thought his caress was unusually warm. “Shit, Shepard, you’re freezing. And you’re so pale. I don’t like this. Maybe we should get you back on the shuttle.”

“I’m okay. I promise. I’d like to get this taken care of. You with me?”

“Every step of the way.”

To show him that he spoke the truth, he gave Kaidan’s head a quick stroke. “Come on.” With both Kaidan and Tali at his side, he approached the stand they had fashioned, where he would speak not only to a nation, but a galaxy.

The crowd of listeners stretched on for almost half a mile, everyone from all races gathering around the crumbled building and congealing around the makeshift stage where Shepard would be speaking. He had to admit that he was impressed by the turnout after such a widespread hit from the Reapers. Even his Spectre induction didn’t have such an audience, and he was the first human to become one. Politicians would have killed to get this many viewers attending anything they did on the Citadel. He wasn’t sure whether he should be grateful of that, or take it as the salt in the wound that it was.

Admiral Hackett was the first to address the ton of journalists and other military officers, apparently as some sort of formality. Shepard felt himself zoning out during his speaking, and his answering of questions. No matter how hard he tried to forget, his mind returned to that upturned Reaper on the horizon. The urge to look at it was one of the tougher battles Shepard had to fight off. It might come to life, fire up its weapon and fry them into human barbeque. It’s not there, Shepard. It’s a flashy monument that they may one day turn into a giant fountain. Just forget it existed. Forget that they all existed.

He hadn’t noticed himself doing it, but his hand found its way into Kaidan’s, which he then clasped so tight that he heard his lover hiss in pain. Shepard loosened his grip, cringing at Kaidan apologetically. Kaidan forgave him with a smile, though his eyes watered a bit, and not just from the dusty winds.

When Admiral Hackett announced that Commander Shepard and two of his crew would be on the stage next, everyone with a camera seemed to edge closer. Shepard, dressed in a high-collar suit— which was a bit tight in the chest thanks to the lack of suits onboard the Arishoc that he could adequately fit into— gazed upon the flock of men and women alike with floating cameras and drones who were so eager to get filled in on the details. They would later fight tooth and claw to be the first ones to air the footage.

“Hello,” he said to them. “As you all are quite familiar, I’m Commander John Shepard. I won’t waste any of your time with grandstanding tales about myself, since you already know every last one of them, I’m sure. Let’s get right to it. I’m going to move from left to right, front to back. Please have questions prepared.” He first pointed with an open palm to the bottom left reporter, whose camera floated beside her.

“Commander Shepard, it’s an honor and a pleasure to be speaking with you,” she said as she constantly tried to fix her flowing blond hair that repeatedly got caught in the stormy wind gusts. Shepard thanked her before she continued. “I’m sure this is one question everyone has on their lips. How did you do it? How did you kill the Reapers?”

“It’s both a simple and complicated matter. The Crucible was…” He peered at the dead Reaper out of the corner of his eye, thinking he saw it twitch. Then he quickly shook the thought out of his mind before he could go any crazier than he felt that day. “It was not a weapon at all, as the joined military forces and I both thought. It was more like a meeting ground… for one very particular type of meeting; one that had never taken place since it was first created. I had been the first. I was given the choice to utilize the Crucible to destroy the Reapers, and I took that opportunity.”

“Given the choice by whom, exactly?”

“It wasn’t really a ‘who’. It was… well, the best way I can put this is, it was the leader of the Reapers. It controlled them.”

Many people looked at each other and murmured. Some were wowed, others skeptical. The reporter proceeded with follow-ups. “What controlled them? What was it? What did you see up there?”

“It was ethereal. It was called the Catalyst. You… you just had to be there.”

She cleared her throat. “I see.”

“The Crucible turned out to be more a tool than a weapon,” Tali explained to her, filling in when Shepard’s mind wasn’t coming in clear enough. “It wouldn’t fire unless Shepard told it to. The Catalyst wasn’t part of the Citadel, but it actually was the Citadel. The Citadel controlled the Reapers.”

“Is that why you managed to destroy all the wards in the process of using the Crucible?”

“Let me be clear,” Shepard voiced defensively. “When I activated the Crucible, I had no idea what would happen. It was all new to us. None of us had ever seen technology like it before. I didn’t know what to expect. All I knew was that I wanted to save civilization, and the Crucible might have been the only option we had.”

The blond-haired reporter nodded a few times, mouth distended. “With the news of your survival, a lot of word has spread about the death of all synthetic beings. Was that also your doing?”

“Yes. In choosing to destroy Reapers, I had to make the choice of destroying any and all AI. It’s not a choice I made lightly, you understand.”

“Before the destruction of the Citadel, many people still relied on AI tech. Some of the most wealthy and powerful businesses had AIs performing complex duties for them. What can you say to those who may have lost productivity?”

“I realize it might be tough for us all to come back to a world void of synthetic life, but we’re alive to talk about it. I think that’s a fair trade.”

“A good point, Commander Shepard. Thank you. That’s all I needed to know.”

Shepard moved on to the next reporter, whose chestnut skin and black hair infiltrated Shepard’s memories like an invading flu virus. “Commander. Khalisah Bint Sinan—”

“I know who you are, Miss al-Jiliani.”

“Is that so? Because you seemed to forget all about me and everyone else on the Citadel when you blew it up.”

Shepard flinched. He knew that he’d be confronted about this, but it was still just as painful of a reminder as the feeling of thermal rounds grazing his skin. “Miss al-Jilani. I didn’t forget all of you.”

“So you _knew_ we were up there when you blew the Citadel to smithereens?”

“Yes. I knew. As I said, I had no idea that the Citadel would be harmed. My understanding at the time was that the Crucible was a weapon that would fire at the Reapers on its own. That wasn’t the case.”

“Well. Commander Shepard. What you’re then telling me is that you put lives at stake by using something you didn’t understand.”

Shepard glared at al-Jilani. Al-Jilani glowered right back. Their staring match went on for a few seconds, until Kaidan stepped up in Shepard’s defense.

“He put his own life at risk, too. He was willing to give it away to save everyone. If you really believe otherwise, maybe some lives weren’t worth saving. When the Citadel was destroyed, Shepard almost died in the blast. He was lucky they found him at all. As far as I know, the civilians from all wards were evacuated before they went looking for him.”

“And what now, Commander?” she continued, becoming more irate and hostile by the minute. “We have to rebuild the Citadel? A place that people like me called their home? You may have destroyed the Reapers, but you also destroyed the livelihoods of millions!”

“He also saved trillions more!” Kaidan argued, also becoming unusually loud.

“So the ends justify the means?! Is that what you’re saying?! Or are your motives more selfish than you’re letting on?!”

Speaking over them, Shepard called, “Miss al-Jilani, please. We’ve never seen eye-to-eye, but I know even you can’t believe I did this on purpose to hurt those I was trying to save.”

“I want to believe that, Commander, but your actions proved otherwise!”

Just then, a booming, throaty voice put an end to the arguing. “Shut your overgrown hole, you poor excuse for a human!” Parting the crowd was the form of a bulky krogan, who gave al-Jilani a heavy shove on his way to the front. She stumbled forward and collapsed at Shepard’s feet, as well as his mercy. Now out of the crowd for all to see, Grunt stomped toward al-Jilani, who rolled out of his way and scrambled toward the crowd of onlookers for safety. He still somehow managed to crack her on the head with his skull as she passed, sending her flying into a pile of folks who caught her.

“Grunt?” laughed an overjoyed Shepard.

Grunt nodded, cracking a leathery grin. “Sorry, Shepard. Thought you might have needed a little help with that pyjak.” He turned toward al-Jilani and scowled, showing his mouth full of molars. She inched further back.

“For that, you don’t have to apologize. I’m glad to see you.”

Grunt’s heavy footsteps thundered toward the “stage” where Shepard and his mates were standing. He then gave Shepard a very stinging pat on the back. “I got your back. Point me to any of those squishy things and I’ll get them to shut up.” He eyed al-Jilani one last time, his reptilian eyes glinting with aggression as he cracked his fist into his palm. She made haste for the parked shuttles and cabs lined up along the exterior of the building.

Following this insane debacle, few were interested in confronting Shepard about his choices. One of them thought they’d put Kaidan on the spot regarding his induction as a Spectre, but Shepard put a stop to that. By the time they reached a row back, every possible question had been answered, and it was clear to the audience that he had done the right thing. He was grateful whenever a more positive-thinking reporter interviewed him, showing hope and pride that Earth was now their home again.

Many of the reporters were clearing out now, and the distance was only dotted with observers and fans alike. Some of those fans were children. An entire group of them encircled Shepard, politely asking for autographs. Shepard gladly gave them each his signature, and the excitement on their faces when he saluted them stirred his soul, which he worried might have darkened since his fight against the Reapers. It made him feel all the more desperate to settle down.

The crowd eventually dispersed, and the Kodiak was prepared to pick them up and bring them back aboard the Arishoc. Shepard had trouble parting with Earth a third time. Bad things tended to happen when he walked away from it.

“I saw it all over the vids,” Grunt verified as he walked with them back to the shuttle. “ _Commander Shepard survives blast_. You are one tough rock.”

“I sure don’t feel like it,” he said while rubbing his throbbing neck. “How’d you get here?”

“Citadel evacuation. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. Do you want to know what happens to a chunk of a city when it’s spiraling through space?”

“The same thing that happened to me when I was spaced, I gather.”

“I don’t scare easy, Shepard. You know that. I felt like it was my last chance alive, so I might have wrecked a few things. I didn’t know what else to do. Plus it felt good. Made me less scared, that’s for sure.”

Shepard crossed his arms in a paternal manner. “Wrecked a few things? What did you wreck?”

“Nothing important, I swear. Just a shop that sold fish.”

“You didn’t hurt anyone did you?”

“People were too busy scrambling for escape shuttles and the docking bay to give a damn. So I didn’t have any run-ins. Even C-Sec was too busy pissing itself to care.”

He had to admit: he would have loved to see it when it happened. “You weren’t trying to escape?”

Grunt shrugged nonchalantly. “Figured we were screwed anyway. And that fish shop always made me hungry, but the human selling it once told me they were supposed to be pets. What nonsense is that? Who keeps food as pets? It angered me, so I wanted to go out _my_ way. Turns out we were fine since the military came to help us off, and I ended up with broken glass on my fists. Like I said, it wasn’t a pleasant experience.”

“Sounds like you had a good time to me,” Shepard humored him, amused.

“Heh, heeeh, heeeeeeh.”

They continued on for the shuttle, which was still quite a few paces away, but another came in for landing roughly twenty feet away from them. On the side was an odd symbol Shepard hadn’t seen before: a face with glowing eyes painted in white on a red background, with squiggled lines representing wires spread out on all sides of the white head.

All of his instincts told him to get on the Kodiak and return to the Arishoc, but his curiosity got the better of him. He stayed behind and watched with caution as the door to the mystery shuttle elevated open, and a few men and women climbed out, each of them clad in thick red jackets. The color burned at Shepard’s eyes, briefly yanking him out of reality.

The Crucible’s beam was so much brighter than he thought it would be. It cascaded around him in an electric glow, sparking and twitching around him with life, the very life he had just chosen to take away. It burst through him, against him, knocking him to the ground, erupting in waves across infinity. It radiated his every skin pore, nanomachines coursing through his veins. Red was just a color. But now, to him, it was a sensation.

By the time he had returned to real life, enough time had passed that their visitors in red coats were now only a few feet from them. The one leading the group, who was also the tallest, approached first with open palms. His face was young, and had hardly seen the difficulties or trials of time. His eyes were glassy, shimmering and unreal. His head was covered with a mass of dark hair that had been thoroughly combed.

“Commander Shepard, I presume,” he spoke cordially.

“Who are you?” Shepard asked, keeping several inches of space between them.

“Sirus Marshall.” He reached out his hand as an invitation to shake it. “I’m here on the behalf of my CEO at SETI.”

Shepard didn’t feel comfortable taking his hand. “Never heard of you.”

Sirus lowered his palm, now a tad disgruntled. “Structured Electronics and Technology Incorporated. I’m afraid I may have missed the interviews. We intended to come earlier, but I can see we’ve missed our window.”

Both and Kaidan and Tali noticed another shuttle landing beside the first, and many armed guards in red poured out of it. Kaidan balled up a fist and nudged Shepard, alerting him to the strange situation. Shepard didn’t need notifying. He picked up on the threat right away. They may have had Kaidan’s biotics and Grunt’s strength on their side, but they still wouldn’t have been able to take on several gunmen.

“I take it this isn’t a formal gathering,” Shepard noted.

The armored gang neared them, rifles in their hands, masks on their faces, and each of them fearless. Whether they all ended up dead, or Shepard’s crew did, it wasn’t going to end well. “My employer has asked that I detain you by any means necessary. Alive… or dead.”

“Yeah,” replied Shepard, snidely. “I don’t think so.”

Kaidan emerged in front of him, holding up his palm, a current of blue light emitting from it. “Back off,” he demanded, clenching his fist with a prepared biotic Throw.

Tali also stepped forward, calling upon a combat drone which came to her aid. For the moment, it did nothing but hover there, waiting for orders. “Do as he says.”

Grunt growled and pounded the ground with his heavy feet, looking ready to charge.

Sirus raised his palms in defense and took a few steps back, but his smirk was disconcerting. “I’m afraid we can’t let you get away now that you’re here. I apologize in advance, Commander, but this is for the good of humanity. You care about humanity, don’t you?”

“The last one who tried to recruit me for humanity ended up indoctrinated and committing suicide,” Shepard told him with a scowl etched on his face. “I think I’ll take my chances.”

“That’s unfortunate. I didn’t want to use force.” He outstretched his hand, and before they could blink, they were thrown backwards onto the ground with a powerful pulse. Shepard was the first to get to his feet, and he narrowly dodged yet another blast from Sirus as he hopped over a nearby chunk of the fallen building. “You’re only putting your friends’ lives in danger, Commander!”

“Go to hell,” coughed Shepard, waving dust out of his face.

The next to get up was Kaidan, who used every ounce of his energy to shove Sirus back, resulting in not a Throw, but an explosion so harsh that it clapped like thunder. A heavy ball of light bigger than the blast radius of a bomb was hurled directly at Sirus’ face. Sirus wasn’t only launched back, but nearly split in two by the force, and his body toppled over several of his hired goons. Kaidan then collapsed to the ground on his hands and knees, feeling his head pulsing harder than ever. Tali grabbed his arm and helped him up, urging him to get to Shepard so they could make a break for the shuttle.

Kaidan, holding his throbbing skull, returned to Shepard in an exhausted jog as many of the SETI mercenaries opened fire on their location. Shepard put his arm around Kaidan, who he at first believed to be wounded, but realized that he had pushed himself harder than usual.

As they outran the firing squad and made it to the shuttle, Shepard first helped Kaidan climb aboard, then hopped on after him along with Tali and Grunt. Gunfire could be heard from the ground, even after they lifted off.

“Keelah,” panted Tali once they were safe. “Can we ever go anywhere without getting shot at?”

“Trouble sure loves to follow you, Shepard,” Grunt commented, though he didn’t sound displeased. “We should have stayed and cracked some heads.”

Shepard didn’t hear either of them, as he was too busy tending to Kaidan, who was moaning in pain and clutching his head. He thought it might soothe him to massage his neck, but Kaidan’s shoulders quaked. “Please tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m all right,” Kaidan calmed him. “I went too far, but I had to do it. I just need some rest, that’s all.”

“I could have defended myself, Kaidan.”

“You didn’t have any weapons. You don’t even have an omni-blade with you. What were you going to do, hide forever?” He groaned and rubbed his face.

“Don’t argue with me. I don’t want you getting yourself killed for my sake.”

“Why not? You’re willing to do it for me.”

Shepard saw his point, and let it go, continuing to massage his neck, which seemed to help. “Let’s get you back and into a bed. And I’m going to dig up every file I can find on SETI. I want to know what the hell is going on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Major error alert. No pun intended._  
>  Apparently, the introduction of Mass Effect 3 with Shepard on Earth took place in Vancouver. Prior to writing this chapter, I somehow didn't know this, and the only way I found out was that one of my save files had the city's name on it. It surprised me, because I had no idea. No one in-game mentions they're in Vancouver, and I never looked at a guide or saved my game in Vancouver until today. Google searches verified it for me. Mind blown.  
> Initially, I had Shepard state that he had never been to Canada, but that's technically untrue. I had to make a few changes in the story to his conversation with Kaidan regarding their future plans with this in mind.


	7. New Villain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  __  
>  **Happy belated**  
>   
>   
>  __  
>  **Day, everyone!**  
>   
> 
> _I intended to post a chapter on the actual day, but got caught up with work. And with replaying the trilogy for the fourth time in a row. Here's to you, Shepard! We love you._

Shepard, along with Hackett and his closest companions from the Normandy, met up in the debriefing room, where they talked about what just occurred on Earth. The only one absent was Kaidan, who had retreated to the cabin to rest his head. Hackett had left on a previous shuttle with other soldiers before the men from SETI arrived, and had no idea that Shepard’s squad had been attacked.

From the information that was gathered, Hackett provided Shepard with answers. “SETI specializes in programming VIs, computer systems and other advanced technology. They also make mechs, but they aren’t as popular as the Hahne-Kedar brand.”

“Their name doesn’t ring a bell with me at all,” Shepard said as he circled the room with arms firmly crossed. “We’ve never dealt with them in the past.”

“There is something else we found,” Hackett continued. “They also design and implement cybernetic implants. Strong ones. There is evidence that they’ve had dealings with Cerberus, and those dealings involved the selling of such implants. It’s possible that SETI were the ones that designed and built the implants that Cerberus used on you in the Lazarus Project, Shepard. Now that Cerberus doesn’t exactly exist anymore, they might want their products back. Maybe to make more money off of them. After the war, there might not be enough resources to fasten together any others.”

“Sounds to me like you’re a walking goldmine,” James indicated. “If people knew what those implants were worth to SETI…”

“You’d be a considerable bounty,” Liara realized, finishing James’ thought. “Dead or alive, it wouldn’t matter. As long as the implants were intact. Cerberus is done for and the Reapers are dead. They might not have a use for you now.”

Shepard came to a halt and rested his palms on the giant table they had all been standing around. “This doesn’t make any sense. I thought Cerberus made their own implants. They had cells for that sort of thing. Why would they buy from SETI?”

“We don’t know for sure that Cerberus made all of their tech. For all we know, they’ve been buying it all and modifying it for their own purposes. It makes sense when you think about it. The Illusive Man was an extortionist… and a very big spender.”

“So why don’t they go after any of the other soldiers that Cerberus outfitted with implants? Why me?”

“Other than the fact that you took out Cerberus’ entire base and killed most of their forces, it might be because yours alone was the most expensive. It was made specifically to help bring a dead human back to life. That’s pretty valuable. It might only cost several thousand for other kinds, but you were worth a lot more than that. Four billion more.”

After some deliberation, Shepard still hadn’t fit the puzzle pieces together. “There must be more to it. Maybe the implants are valuable to them for a reason other than money. What good is taking a financially valuable implant back if your biggest costumer is gone? What’s the point in keeping both the money and the implant?” As soon as he identified what the problem might be, he dreaded the facts. “Maybe they know something about me that even I don’t know.” Next, he turned to Liara. “See if you can dig up a little more dirt on these guys. I want to know as much as possible. I especially wish to know why we’ve never heard of them before.”

“I will, Shepard,” she agreed.

“Thanks, Liara.”

“We’ll also look further into it,” Hackett mentioned. “I suggest sticking around here until we know something for certain.”

This put a bit of a damper on the plans he had earlier, whether or not a corporation was looking to hunt him down. Now dismissed, everyone returned to their previous stations. On their way out, he stopped Liara to speak in private. “Liara. There’s something else I’d like you to look into.”

“Of course. What do you need?”

“A house.”

She was beside herself at his request, both entertained and discordant. “I’m an information broker, Shepard. Not a realtor.”

“I know. I just need to find one. A nice one.”

“Are you unable to do it yourself?”

“I had planned on it. Those plans have been a little… delayed. Until I deal with this matter with SETI, I’m afraid I won’t have the time I originally had available to go looking. That, and you’re much better at this kind of thing than I am.”

She stepped a few paces away from him, head low, hands entwined with her back to him. “I care a lot about you, Shepard. So I’ll do this for you. But I have a lot going on in my life, as well. I may never have a home of my own. I don’t even know if I’ll ever see Thessia again.”

“I… I’m sorry. I hadn’t considered that. Forgive me.”

She turned to him once again, smiling, her hands cupped behind her back in a professional pose. “It’s all right. You’re lucky you’re so charming. So, this house. Any specifications?”

He took a second to think it over, rubbing his prickly chin. “My apartment on the Citadel had that waterfall thing. I liked that.”

“Waterfall. Check.”

“A fighting simulator might be useful. Artwork; the fancy kind that I don’t understand, but everyone will think I’m classy for owning. Multiple bedrooms. A fireplace. Martini glasses and those little umbrellas.”

“Umbrellas. Got it.”

“Oh, an arcade. I’d love to have everyone over to play games. And a casino nearby where we can meet up for drinks and play quasar."

Liara’s already tender voice dipped further toward a whisper when she realized what was happening. “Sounds to me like you miss the Silversun Strip.”

He kicked at the floor, looking everywhere but at Liara’s face. “It’s that obvious, huh?”

Even her nodding was placid and conciliatory. “I can tell it meant something to you.”

“I don’t think I spent more than a couple of weeks there, and yet, it was the best time of my life. I don’t know if that’s sad, or shows I haven’t really lived my life to the fullest. I was a spacer kid. My family and I were always moving from station to station. Didn’t really have a lot of time to relax or take personal time. And then I joined the Alliance when I was old enough, and… I think spending time at the Strip was the only time I actually stopped to enjoy my own life.”

His words rang true for not only himself, but for everyone he spent time on the Strip with; herself included. “If I could bring the Strip back to you, Shepard, I would do everything in my power to make it happen. I wish I could. I would omit the clone fiasco though.”

He cringed at the very mention of his dearly-departed, petri dish twin. “Still don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbled.

Stepping closer to him, she looked him in the eye with the sincerity of long-term friendship. “I’ll see what I can do for you.”

He rested a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you.” He then made a final request. “One other thing. I’d like it to be in Vancouver, but after it was hit… I don’t know if there’s any property left to live in. If I have your discretion on this, I don’t have a lot of hope for what’s left of it. But I know how important it is to Kaidan. If there’s anything left, anything at all, I’d love to know. Maybe something that doesn’t overlook a sea of dead Reapers.”

“I’ll find something. You have my word.”

“Thank you. When I was there, it looked like a place I would have loved to live in… had it not been leveled. I hope it didn’t suffer too much.”

“I hope so, too. Give me an hour or so. I’ll come get you when I’m ready.” After Shepard thanked her again, they parted ways, separating at the fork in the corridors.

Shepard returned to the cabin where Kaidan was resting, but didn’t disturb his sleep. Instead he viewed a datapad regarding SETI, reading up on their company policies, their employment history, and other various facts available to the public. Not a single thing looked out of the ordinary. From what he could tell, they were an honest business, one that many other groups and corporations had relied on for some time. Why had they been so low-key all these years, only to suddenly leap from the shadows and practice immorality?

SETI had many separate divisions, including mechs, cybernetics, and VI systems. One of their major divisions designed navigation controls for ships of all kinds, while others centered on programs such a galaxy maps. From the information, Shepard could see that many of the ships he had spent time on had parts manufactured by SETI and sold to a variety of races and militaries. Cerberus was, as Hackett and Liara mentioned, the one that made the big purchases. SETI didn’t seem to mind who they sold to, as long as the pay was good. And the Illusive Man paid well.

SETI plants were scattered all over the galaxy, but interestingly enough, their headquarters were on Earth, based in Phoenix, Arizona, and most of the employees, if not all, were humans. The CEO of the Earth branch, Clarke Corvina, had been handed a substantial amount of awards for his furthering of advanced technology for both private organizations and for the military. Shepard didn’t recognize his face from the photo, but oddly enough, he looked like a decent fellow. He certainly didn’t have the Illusive Man’s disturbing, otherworldly eyeballs. With that cordial smile of his, he seemed like the type you’d want to share a drink or two with.

Though they didn’t excel in making mechs, they designed cheaper models than those sold by Hahne-Kedar, making them an economic choice. However, there were records indicating that those made by SETI had twice as many malfunctions and programming errors than those from Hahne-Kedar, so consumers rarely took the risk. The only ones who constantly purchased cheap mechs from SETI were those who couldn’t afford Hahne-Kedar’s prices. Even known mercenary groups wouldn’t lay their hands on the mech technology from SETI, though it would have saved them credits.

As their mech division struggled to come into its own, SETI’s cybernetics division excelled in greatness. Shepard scanned the entire list of known implants designed by SETI researches, all of which he was familiar with from run-ins with Cerberus troops. SETI help set Cerberus up so they could knock others down. They had a mysterious and well-hidden symbiotic relationship that went beyond ethics or company policy. Shepard had to wonder what else SETI had up its sleeve, and what other horrific devices it might have sold to the infamous pro-human terrorists.

Whatever it might have been, Shepard didn’t relish the thought of being caught in the middle of it.

 _I was ready to wash my hands of all of this,_ he thought, dwelling on how his future seemed eternally bleak whenever he tried to improve it. _If I shut a door, old ghosts come back to knock on it. I have no choice but to answer._

With extra time to spare, he checked on Kaidan, who was still in a deep sleep. Kaidan might have chosen to nearly fry his own brain, but it was SETI who forced his hand. That was reason enough to go after them, regardless of their motives. When would it end? If he took out everyone at SETI, someone else would just find a reason to interfere with his life and tear it asunder. Some other galactic threat would put pressure on him, call him into action.

_No. If it ever came to that, they’d have to find a new hero. I can’t do this anymore._

As he spent some time watching over Kaidan to make sure he was still breathing, Liara entered the room with a bit more caution and grace than Davies did before. He stood and walked toward her, keeping his voice low.

“Find anything?” he wondered. She waved him out of the room, guiding him into the hall. Once they were alone, he noticed that she wouldn’t look him in the eye. “What is it?”

She twirled her hands together, her features tightened into a sympathetic grimace. “About Vancouver… how honest would you like me to be?”

He almost wanted to tell her that he had enough of bad news, and didn’t want to hear any more of it for the rest of his life, but in the end, he always preferred the truth over illusions. “It’s that bad, huh?”

“I’m sorry, Shepard. Even after the war, there’s still so much the Reapers left for us to deal with, and… it’s no longer a city. It would take decades to rebuild it. Not a single tower stands.” She stopped when Shepard’s head bowed and he couldn’t bring himself to pick it back up. “Even so, many other cities remain untouched. I’ll continue to do my best to help you… and Kaidan.”

“Thanks, Liara. You don’t have to overwork yourself.”

“I know that. But when has that ever stopped me?” They both beamed at one another. “I’m sure the cleanup efforts on Thessia are just as busy. It was hard seeing it in such disarray. I’d like to contribute my aid to them, but we have a while to wait before each of us can be escorted to our home planets. Besides, I think that you’re helpless without me.”

“That’s not something I’ll ever deny.” He could tell she wanted to laugh, but her mood simply didn’t call for it.

“Now… about our new friends at SETI.” They walked down the corridor, passing more people who saluted him. He didn’t have time to say hello to them before the next person honorably greeted him. “I’ve found more than I expected to. Firstly, they’ve recently been interacting with a group called the Phantoms, mostly selling them combat mechs.”

“Any info on them?”

“Not much. But there’s a reason for that. They seemed to have only formed very recently. Less than a week ago, in fact. What I have learned about them aroused a lot of suspicion in me.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because in the past few days, they’ve been known to do one thing more than any other: openly bash you.”

While it was no secret that not everyone in the galaxy worshipped him, this still came as quite a surprise. “Any particular reason?”

“None that I’ve found yet. All I know is that their assembly is recent, and they don’t like you. And that’s putting it mildly.”

“How mildly?”

“They’ve tried to convince others that you have no regard for life, saying that you kill indiscriminately and impulsively. I’ve seen some footage of them harassing people who look up to you, both adults and adolescents. I know you humans have an old saying… ‘torches and pitchforks’? They attended a human rally that was held in honor of you, and they infiltrated it by assaulting innocent people. There were… casualties.”

Shepard’s “retirement mode” shut itself off, and he made a hard reset to his system of destruction and defense. “Where are they?”

“That I don’t yet know. Many of my broker agents are systems away, and they can’t help me with the matter. But I do know that wherever they’re hiding, it’s on Earth, and they seem to be centered on North America.”

In an agitated state, Shepard began to pace the floor, the urgency of the matter building up inside of him. “So this Phantom group and SETI are both after me. What’s linking them?”

Liara looked as troubled as he was, her stance rigid and tense. “That’s also a bit of a mystery. Their interest in you seemed to happen so suddenly. In fact, it must have been after the news arrived on Earth that you survived. I don’t know everything about humans, Shepard, but I know your species is violent in its nature. Nothing like the krogan are, but there are patterns repeated over many centuries by humanity. Your species can’t help this desire. Your minds are filled with great relief and joy when violence occurs as the result of your competitive evolutionary process. When there is no one else to hate, you look for a new enemy to continue feeling satisfied. You might be their new villain.”

He sighed. “I’m not going to stand here and defend humans to you, Liara. In a way, you’re absolutely right about us.”

“I know humans are prone to love and altruism also. You and I would not be standing here talking if it were otherwise. If hate was your primary emotion, your civilization would have been doomed a long time ago. But you are all so incredibly diverse. Other races are unlike yours in that way. An entire colony of humans would believe several different things at once and still manage to coexist, whether or not the things you believe are proven as false.”

“Humans are pretty thick in population. We have to find ways to deal with each other’s differences because our life spans are so short. It’s not easy. But we manage.”

She nodded in understanding. “With that in mind, it’s possible that the Phantoms begrudge you for the reverence bestowed on you. They might see it as worship and take offense to it.”

“Or they’re afraid. When one human becomes too powerful, other humans feel intimidated. They tend to see that elevated person as a possible threat, and propose defeating it before being wiped out. That’s how human wars start… and end.”

She nodded a second time. “Now is definitely a time of fear and doubt, especially among your kind, Shepard. With the Reapers gone, there is nothing left to be afraid of. And maybe that’s what scares them.” They stepped a few paces away from the crew passing back and forth on the bridge. “The mechs that the Phantoms acquired from SETI is the most unsettling part. They’re obviously planning to do something, but it’s unclear what that is. I would say that SETI only considered them as customers, but there’s evidence that they’ve been meeting up for reasons other than purchases.”

Shepard studied his options in silence for a while, wanting to be rid of the problem as soon as possible. He was tired. So damn tired. If it weren’t for the constant nightmares, he’d sleep for days. “Relay the information to Hackett. I want to have a little word with SETI’s CEO.”

 

\-----

 

The deep silence that Clarke Corvina sat in would have driven any other man insane with boredom, but this was the hour of concentration, of reflection. His employees had called him mad for sticking around on Earth during the war, but to them, he would say that fate had already been chosen for him. It was simply a matter of waiting it out.

The Reapers hit Earth like a mechanical asteroid, and yet his home was left alone while every neighboring city was demolished. Some would refer to that as “good luck,” but he would have preferred the Reapers taking them hostage. If he was one of those husks now, he wouldn’t be sitting alone in his spacious office, overlooking the spotless city from the top level of his tower and contemplating what might have been.

He supposed he should have been glad, even grateful that the Reapers were gone now. He certainly couldn’t have vanquished them himself; not on a schedule as tight as his. The great Commander Shepard had done the unthinkable, and Earth was not a flaming ball hanging in the atmosphere. Everyone at the SETI headquarters had a family they looked out for, and though many of them suffered horrible losses, many had gone home to be with them. If only it had been as easy for him to leave as it was so many others.

Clarke paced the wide-open room, overlooking the many terminals that showed the progress of SETIs several divisions. It was such fruitless work and effort to care about the general direction of SETI now when so many human lives were wasted, but these terminals were all he had left. Mech division looked okay, though its many processors had left it behind. Programming division was almost completely empty now. Frank Meyers was an old friend of his, and it was hard to let him go, but he had a wife and kid to look after for a while now that he knew they had survived a Reaper attack. He would have wanted the same from his employer if he had any sort of home to go back to.

Cybernetics division was the only one with a small group still functioning in it. He would have allowed them to return to their families, but they insisted on working to keep their minds busy. He understood that more than he cared to reveal.

The last terminal was blank, and nothing but a faded screen. Though it had nothing to show him, he stared at it the longest. So much effort. So much blood, sweat and tears. None of it mattered.

While lost in thought, he didn’t hear the sound of the massive door to his office rotating open. Only when the manager and overseer of the Cybernetics division— a man who was one of his closest friends— Brandon Howard, strode up to him and cleared his throat did he acknowledge his presence.

“What is it?” Clarke asked, stepping away from him toward his desk, which in itself could have been a tower.

“Clarke,” slurred Brandon, who attempted to keep his cool while speaking to his superior. “The extraction team has come back.”

Clarke’s shadowed and gloomy face brightened, even if for a moment. “Do they have him?”

“I’m afraid not. Sirus was…” His head bowed. “Well, they came back without him.”

Clarke sighed through his nostrils in a long hiss as he reached in his desk drawers for a liquor bottle. “Unfortunate. But not surprising. He was never very approachable… or diplomatic.” He poured himself a drink, and none of that alien swill that his comrades so often adventurously consumed. It was old-fashioned human scotch, a signature drink for executives, no matter what corner of the galaxy they hailed from. “It’s my own fault, really. Never send a boy to do a man’s job.”

“Shepard had friends with him. One of them was a biotic.”

“And my Phantoms had guns. I don’t see how one biotic person could overwhelm all of them.”

“Well, they managed. Now he knows we want him, and our cover is blown. Clarke, I know you’re upset. But the Alliance could come crashing down on us over this. Forget Reapers, and indoctrination. The Alliance is what scares the crap out of me. Take a word of advice from an old friend: this isn’t worth it.”

He sipped his drink, swirled it around, then sipped again. “I beg to differ.”

“Shepard isn’t just some average guy. If he was, Cerberus wouldn’t have wanted the Lazarus implants so badly. I’m telling you right now, we need to move on. Forget him. Or we’re going to face the exact same fate that Cerberus did.”

After another swig or two from his glass, Clarke stared into the caramel-tinted liquid. “I’m sure it’s easy for you. In fact, I know it is. You have a lot less riding on his retrieval than I do.”

Brandon slapped his palm onto the surface of Clarke’s desk. “I’m not an idiot! The Illusive Man underestimated him! I’m not going to stand here and wait until Shepard and his whole team infiltrate this building and burn it to the ground! Because he will, and you know he will! He killed the Reapers, Clarke. _All_ of them. You have to know we cannot win this.”

With another long sigh and a large gulp that finished off what was left in his glass, Clarke nodded a few times. “You make valid points. I’m aware of the risks. I’m willing to take them.”

“You’re putting your employees at risk, too. Thousands of them. Not to mention those Phantoms, which, I might add, are already crazy enough without your help.”

“The Phantoms don’t need me to tell them to go after Shepard. They’re already willing to put a bullet between his eyes. That’s the beauty of them. They don’t always need me to give them orders.”

Brandon stepped away from him and his desk and headed for the door, finding the argument pointless. “Look at what you’ve turned into, Clarke. I know you. This isn’t you.”

Clarke refilled his glass, topping it off. “Then you should know why this is necessary.” Just as Brandon was heading out into the hallway, a message was transmitted to Clarke via QEC, which he answered immediately and approached the comm link with purpose. The digital image of a slender, long-haired woman appeared in blue particles.

“Sir,” she said, her eyes squinted in suspicion. “An Alliance shuttle is requesting permission to dock here. You won’t believe this.”

His eyes widened. “It’s him.”

“Yes. He’s not alone. He has at least six squad-mates with him.”

Knowing he didn’t have much time to think his plans through, he had to come to a solution. “Get the Phantoms down there.”

Brandon reappeared in the room, his entire body trembling. “Don’t,” he demanded.

“Relax, Brandon. It’s not a hostile action. Merely a defensive one.”

“I highly doubt he’s going to see it that way. I sure wouldn’t.”

“Listen to me. I take your advice to heart, really, I do. But you need to let me make the tough decisions, all right? I’ll be the one to live with the consequences.”

“Kris,” Brandon now said, turning to the QEC panel. “ _Don’t_ send the Phantoms. He’s going to feel threatened, and they’ll attack us the second they get down here— and if anything happens, the Alliance will swarm us in seconds.”

Clarke sent Brandon a spine-chilling glower so volcanic that the Devil would tell him to tone it down a notch. He grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, teeth clenched and nostrils flaring, sending waves of panic into his friend’s face. “I love you, and I respect you. But you’re about to step over some lines I don’t think you want to cross. I suggest you back off.”

Brandon submitted to him in defeat, raising his palms to signal his surrender. Clarke released him, but didn’t shove him. “Fine, Clarke. I get you. But I’m begging you… don’t risk the lives of the people here.”

“If I can convince him to resolve this peacefully, things should go just fine.” With that, Brandon scrambled out of the office and possibly to run for his life. “Kris. Give them the permissions they require. Get the Phantoms down there, and secure their weapons. I want a dossier on every one of Shepard’s buddies; who they are, what they mean to him, how long they served, everything. If they ate breakfast this morning, I want to know about it.”

“Yes, sir.” The blue particles divided and faded until the image was dispersed, and the communication died off.

Adjusting the collar of his shirt and flattening the wrinkles out, he strolled out of his office and made way for the security station to watch the events unfold. “Time to roll out the welcome mat.”

 

\-----

 

The docking station of SETI headquarters was little more than an oversized shuttle garage, which was already packed full of skycars and shuttles belonging to the many employees inside the mountainous skyscraper. The one piloting was Grunt, who had a hell of a time squeezing the shuttle into a vacant slot that could barely fit a child-sized vehicle.

“Who designed this place?” grumbled Grunt.

Garrus coughed. “Humans!” He coughed a second time.

“They aren’t the most architecturally advanced compared to the rest of us in the galaxy,” Tali agreed while hiding behind a whisper.

“You know, guys,” Shepard spoke up. “I can hear you.”

“Oh, good,” Grunt said next, popping the door of the shuttle open, squeezing his way out into the lot. “Then you could tell the other humans to build a better docking bay.”

James spoke up in defense of their kind. “Come on. It’s not that bad. There’s plenty of wiggle room.” He also had to squeeze out of the doorway, as well as maneuver around the shuttle beside them that was parked a little too close. His bulging form caused complications in the task.

The rest of them squirmed out, fighting for space, and Shepard was the last to emerge, tripping along the way, bumping into the others. Grunt looked at him disapprovingly, but Shepard huffed.

“Don’t look at me. I didn’t build the place.”

“Remind me again why we’re doing this,” Kaidan muttered, walking alongside Shepard toward the gaggle of guards lingering around the elevator. “They tried to have you killed and we’re walking in their front door like they invited us over for coffee and cake.”

Kaidan had already tried on multiple occasions to talk him out of this plan, and he didn’t blame him. He had every reason to be concerned. If the situation was reversed, he wouldn’t have allowed it. All the same, he learned over time from all of his hardest choices that sometimes the easiest solution was the one that didn’t involve violence.

“You’ve once told me that shooting people isn’t always the answer,” Shepard explained.

Kaidan snorted. “When they’re shooting at _you_ , I kind of change my tone.”

“I’ve resolved worse and bigger things than this by talking it through. The whole reason the Crucible even fired at all was because I had to talk about it first.”

“The Crucible didn’t try to kill you.”

“Yeah… that’s not how I remember it.”

The SETI guards, armed to the teeth, helmeted with plated gear strapped to their entire bodies, stepped forward to meet them. One them quaked at the sight of the krogan stomping in their direction, who bared his teeth at each of them as they neared.

The guards raised their palms, halting Shepard and his crew, speaking through a muffled radio voice through his helmet. “Hold it. No weapons beyond this point.”

The entirety of the Normandy crew exchanged brief glances. Then every one of them un-holstered their guns and aimed them directly at the group of guards, who were outnumbered six to four. Two of them flinched and leapt back, while the other two drew their weapons in response to the hostility.

“Drop them,” one of the two guards told them, his voice wavering and uncertain.

“Not gonna happen,” Shepard affirmed, as assertive as ever, pointing the long barrel of a sniper rifle directly at one of their heads.

Grunt glanced at one of the other guards who had stumbled back, curling his scaled lips, releasing a guttural snarl while cracking his molars together. The guard, who was already shaking from the encounter, dropped his pistol to the floor.

“Fuck this,” he spouted, ducking off and running to safety toward the back of the lot.

“Harris!” called the strongest of the guards, but he didn’t get a response. “Goddamn it.” He looked back at the Normandy gang, still with his pistol raised, then he called someone on his radio. “They, uh… won’t relinquish their weapons.” He nearly dropped his gun when James mimicked a threatening lunge.

A static voice came back over the radio. “The Phantoms are on their way.”

The two groups continued to face each other and aim guns at one another in awkward silence.

“So…” Kaidan began. “What do you guys do for fun?”

“Play cards, mostly,” Guard Number One replied, his hands tightening around his pistol.

“No shit,” James added. “Us, too. You like poker or blackjack?”

“Preferably poker.”

“I like the one where you scream ‘bullshit’,” Shepard declared, amused.

“That’s my favorite,” Guard Number Two stated.

Tali came in with a couple of giggles. “Jack is really good at that one.”

“I just enjoy crushing squishy human heads under my foot in my spare time,” chuckled Grunt while gazing at the weakest link in the guard group. The sound of him swallowing could practically be heard through his helmet.

The tone alerting the arrival of the elevator sounded, and out stepped a much larger group, clad in red armor, brandishing sizeable rifles. As they filed out, they surrounded Shepard and his crew while each pointing at them with the barrel of a gun. None of them lowered their weapons, but they did take some time to assess their difficult situation.

The final one to leave the elevator was another man in red, who unlike the others, wasn’t wearing a helmet. He was, however, carrying a rifle that was half the size of his torso and pointing it directly at Shepard. His faced was aged a bit more than Sirus’ was, though it didn’t look to be as combat hardened or scarred as Shepard’s features were. “Commander Shepard,” he announced in a thick, deep voice that bounced off the walls. “Nice to finally meet the legend in person.”

Shepard, while maintaining his grip on his rifle, answered, “You have me at a disadvantage, Mister…”

First, his eyebrows rose in surprise. Then he guffawed. “Never would have figured you to be so polite! In every known photo of you, you’re glaring like a madman.”

“Journalists never catch me on a good day. There was a war on, and everyone was trying to kill me. Not that much has changed, I see.”

The man in red stepped closer to him and his crew, but Kaidan lifted his palm at him, threatening him to stay back. Liara did the same. He inched backwards. “Maybe I don’t have a name. Maybe I’m just another warm body for you to kill.”

“Please let me shoot this guy,” growled Garrus.

“The boss wants Shepard in one piece!” Nameless said to the others, who all simultaneously chambered a thermal round. “Do what you want with the rest!”

“This suddenly got interesting,” James stammered, both in excitement and nervousness.

“You must be joking,” Shepard sneered at Nameless. “Have you seen Cronos Station? Who do you think did all of that?”

A few of the Phantoms lowered their weapons and looked at each other. Nameless staggered around a decent response for a second. “Cerberus was sloppy. We won’t make that mistake.” He waved his arm, signaling the others to open fire.

What happened next could hardly be recounted accurately by any of them, as it only took seconds to culminate. The sudden wave of bullets that were unleashed dropped bodies in the tens, and unlike the goons from Cerberus, the Phantoms knew when to book it when they knew they couldn’t win. Shepard and his team rushed for the shuttles, ducking behind them to use as cover, and the Phantoms had the same idea. Nameless didn’t stay out in the open for long, and rushed behind a pillar, using it to block the slamming slugs that were flying in his direction.

“How?!” he yelled at the other Phantoms. “How have you not hit one of them?!”

None of them knew. Laws of physics deemed it impossible. “They’re really fast!” one of them shouted back.

“No one is that fast! Just bring me Shepard’s body! I don’t care how!”

After taking off someone’s head with the blast of a sniper rifle, Garrus, leaned back into cover to speak to Shepard. “Just like—”

“Old times,” Shepard finished.

“Yeah. That.”

“That’s four for me!” James announced, firing more rounds into the crowd.

“Bullshit, Vega,” crowed Garrus. “You’re just popping off the ones I already wounded.”

“Five! Hope you’re watching, Liara!”

Liara, who was Lifting mercenaries off the ground and Throwing them into others, called to James. “I have more important things to deal with!”

“Oh. Tali? You watching?”

Tali: “No.”

With an impatient shake of the head, Garrus looked to Shepard, whose shaking hands couldn’t keep his rifle up for more than a second. Shepard had ducked back down, panting as he waited for his shields to return. “Hey. You all right?”

“I’m fine!” Shepard bellowed over the gunfire, lowering his head as bullets slapped against the skycar he huddled behind. “We’ll talk about it later!”

“Maybe you should stay down!”

“I’m telling you, I’m fine!” While crouched behind the shuttle, he lifted the sniper rifle, peering down the scope, but his rifle only swirled in his hands as though he were intoxicated. Garrus yanked him back down before a bullet could pierce his skull. Shepard thanked him for the rescue, and remained down as Garrus suggested before, listening to the sounds of death rattles and gasps as his crew eliminated each of the Phantoms hunting them. Pops of exploding grenades and the thundering of erupting biotics had turned the lot into an all-out warzone. The sound of Grunt howling with rage as he charged into another two or three Phantoms and slamming them into the ground was the last thing Shepard heard, until at last the noise died down, the dust settled, and silence cascaded over them.

Garrus peeked over the top of the skycar he and Shepard were ducked behind, scanning their surroundings through the scope on his rifle. “Looks like we’re clear, Shepard.”

“Clear!” agreed James from a distance.

Shepard emerged from behind the vehicle, checking up on each of his companions. Other than appearing exhausted, they seemed unscathed. Shepard squinted at a pillar a few meters back, noticing movement behind it. He moved toward it with weapon raised, and Garrus and Kaidan followed him not less than an inch behind him.

Nameless attempted to duck out of Shepard’s sight, but he was caught between leaving the safety of the pillar’s cover and heading for the elevator. He raised his palms in surrender when Shepard and his buddies arrived with a rifle pointed at his head, and he tossed his weapon in defeat.

Shepard wanted to know many things, but above all, he had one question: “Who the hell are you people?”

Nameless’ head shook, a smile presenting itself on his dirty face. “Do you really care?”

“I do if you plan to shoot at me. Do you work for SETI?”

“No. I work for Clarke Corvina. All of the Phantoms do.”

“What does he want with me?”

Nameless nodded toward the elevator. “He’s on the top floor. Go ask him yourself. If you can reach him, that is.”

“We’re wasting our time on this bastard,” Kaidan said.

“Agreed,” Garrus said, cocking his gun.

“Wait!” screamed Nameless while waving his hands to show he planned to cooperate. “You’re not going to get inside without clearance.”

Grunt: “What do you think guns are for?”

“Even if you kill the personnel, there’s no way to take the elevators without having authorization. It’s voice and code locked. I can give you that.”

Shepard looked him directly in the eye. “Why should I trust you?”

“Because if you want to see Clarke, you have no choice.” He flinched when the barrel of Shepard’s rifle touched his cheek. “Look. Keep me alive, and I’ll help you. You have my word. Just don’t fucking kill me.”

Shepard gave a few confirming glances to his party. They returned his gaze, waiting for an order. “Lower your weapons,” he told them all. They obeyed. He then leaned in centimeters away from Nameless’ face with a curled lip. “If you betray us, I’m not going to give you the chance to apologize.”

He shut his eyes, intimidated, but doing his damnedest to hide it. “Noted.”

“Now move.” He nudged Nameless toward the elevator, making him take point. There were no complaints from him about this method of infiltration. With his authorization, they were able to take the elevator from the dock to the interior of the building.

Whatever they might find inside of SETI headquarters, Shepard had little idea. What he did know was that if it came to it, he wasn’t going down without a fight, even if the fight had been blasted out of him through the mouth of the Citadel.

Retirement ended up taking a bit more work than he planned.


	8. The Answer to Mortality

The first floor of SETI headquarters was not only organized, but well-furnished with lounging sofas and reclining chairs. The scrolling digital sign dwarfed the massive wall behind the VI panel in front of it. The room was not lit by florescent bulbs, but by a virtual blue haze that hung around the top of the room, giving it a calming, tranquil glow. The floor tiles were so clean that they were reflective, giving the illusion that the ground below them was a deep chasm.

“Welcome to SETI!” greeted the VI in a robotic male voice as Shepard and the others passed it to get to the executive elevator. “Please feel free to ask me any questions you have about our administrative personnel, as well as our services and products.” An electronic chirping emanated from the VI’s console. “Council Spectres detected. John Shepard; Commander in Alliance Navy; human. Kaidan Alenko; Major in Alliance Navy; human. Are you here on Council business?”

Kaidan was the first to comment. “We didn’t even say anything to it. How does it know who we are?”

“Don’t talk to it,” Nameless warned. They wouldn’t have taken him seriously, but his fearful stare worried them enough to trust him. As they distanced themselves from the VI console, they could hear it calling to them.

“Have a pleasant day!”

Nameless opened the executive elevator for them, and all seven of them crammed inside. Unlike the docking elevator, it wasn’t the least bit spacious. Somehow, even with Grunt aboard, they didn’t exceed the weight limit. The ride up was a long one, and none of them had much to say to one another. The smell of sweat was pungent, especially amongst the humans, a scent that the aliens would refer to as “unfavorable” had they been in a mood bad enough to comment.

After reaching floor five, the elevator suddenly halted, knocking them off-balance and causing them to stumble into one another. “What’s going on?” Shepard asked Nameless.

“I don’t know.” He spoke into the elevator’s console. “Six-three-zero-five. Twentieth floor.” A harsh buzzing sound responded, and a red light flashed. He nervously wiped his face off, his oak brown hair damp and hanging into his burning eyes.

“Unauthorized request,” said a robotic, feminine voice. Nameless repeated it regardless. It buzzed a second time.

“Well,” Grunt sighed, leaning against the wall. “Can we kill him now?”

“What?!”

“I don’t really want to be trapped in an elevator with a decomposing human body, thank you,” Garrus grumbled, albeit casually.

“I don’t mind it so much,” Kaidan snarled in an unusually sinister voice, his right hand lighting up in an electric cobalt hue.

“Just hold on a second!” Nameless said to them, trying to keep his panic in check. Kaidan kept his hand steady, but clenched it into a fist. “Whatever’s happening, it’s not on my end. Clarke must have revoked my access from his office.”

Grunt flexed his arms. “Ah, that means he knows we’re gunning for him. He’s just a varren with his tail between his legs.”

Tali was confused for the same reasons Shepard was. “I thought he wanted Shepard. Why would he stop him from coming up?”

“Gee, I don’t know,” remarked Nameless snidely with an upturned nose. “It couldn’t be the guns you all have strapped to your backs.”

“If every living thing in the galaxy wanted you dead,” Shepard explained matter-of-factly, already tired of the conversation. “You’d carry them, too.”

That wasn’t an argument Nameless was about to get into. It might have ended with him getting shot. On the video panel for the elevator, Nameless tried to swipe the emergency button to force the doors open, but the red light continued to flicker. “That’s it. We’re not budging.”

“Oh, move aside, you bosh’tet,” Tali scoffed, shoving him out of the way as she approached the panel with her omni-tool glowing and began working on hacking the elevator panel. Nameless stumbled, but didn’t gripe about it. He had never gotten on a quarian’s bad side, and now wasn’t a good time to start.

The screen above the panel lit up, and Clarke Corvina’s face appeared on it, a man who had sleepless bags under his eyes, whose salt and pepper hair was strewn about, and who might have had more drinks in his lifetime than anyone cared to know. “Nice to see you, Commander Shepard,” he acknowledged in an astonishingly affable voice. “And… all of your friends.”

“That’s just like people to not know our names,” James complained.

“James, _you_ don’t even use our names,” Shepard reminded him.

“Heh. Good point.”

“Oh I know them,” Clarke continued. “I just don’t think you’re important. Shepard, I would advise you tell your little quarian friend to stop hacking the elevator.”

“Almost got it,” Tali whispered to Shepard, waving her omni-tool a few more times.

“You can stop this if you just explain to me who you are and what you want,” Shepard countered. “We can resolve this peacefully. I don’t want bloodshed involved. I only wish to talk.”

“No bloodshed? Tell that to the men you murdered in the shuttle lot.”

Kaidan took this one. “Hey, in case you forgot, your men shot at us first.”

“They wouldn’t have had to if you had just played by my rules and given up your guns. Now because you chose to hold onto them, I have letters to write to those men’s families.”

“Someone with a family shouldn’t be facing such impossible odds,” Liara defended. “If they wish to live to see them again, they should never take such a terrible risk.”

“A noble sentiment coming from a group of mercenaries claiming to be heroes, whose reputation, I might add, has been extremely exaggerated given the consequences of so many dreadful actions.”

James tossed his head back, annoyed. “Please, pendejo. I don’t know what you know about us, but I can guarantee you’ve misunderstood it. Maybe even deliberately.”

“Have I?” Clarke let loose a faint chuckle. “Choosing a useless bit of intel over a colony that needed your help seemed to be a reckless choice on your part, Mr. Vega. I’m surprised you aren’t angrier at Shepard for rendering such intel as pointless in the first place. After all, he didn’t need that intel to stop the Collectors. He didn’t need you at all.”

The dismissive push of air out of James’ mouth was much more courteous than what he wanted to say. “ _Usted no me conoce_. _No soy un tonto._ ”

“Tali,” Shepard said. “How’s it coming?”

“There’s some kind of firewall,” she told him. “I can bypass it, but it’ll take a minute.”

“Who puts a firewall on their elevator?” Garrus mumbled.

“Someone with a whole lot of enemies,” Kaidan whispered in return.

“As I said before, I would advise against that,” Clarke warned again. “That elevator is set to plummet if it’s bypassed. It’s one of my favorite little forms of tech that I came up with. I think it’s a just punishment for interns who think they’re clever.”

“Don’t you have to replace the elevator after it falls?” Shepard wondered, curious.

“I’ve only had to do it once. It’s cheaper than you’d think. Cleaning up the mess, though… that usually comes with a bigger price tag. I need you in one piece, Shepard, and intense bodily trauma would go against what I’m trying to accomplish here. You wouldn’t think a crashing elevator could turn a body into a puddle, but… well, the things you learn from experience.”

Shepard wanted to call him on his bluff, and had he been in the elevator alone, he would have taken that chance. With his friends’ lives at risk, he took the safe route, easing Tali away from the elevator’s panel. “You have my attention,” he told him. “What do you want?”

“You.”

“Is this about my cybernetic implants?”

Clarke seemed relieved that he brought it up, as if he had been keeping it bottled up for eternity. “You’re quicker than you look. No offense.”

He folded his tightened biceps over one another, the plates of his armor clicking together. “Uh-huh.”

“Yes, Commander. I want those implants back. The materials are… let’s just call them ‘unique’. I had to charge Cerberus an arm and a leg for it, and that was being generous.”

“Why do you need them? Cerberus was the only company that could afford to buy them from you, and they’re history. Certainly you can’t sell them now.”

“Does that matter? What matters is that the technology can save and bring back lives, and that’s something I’m sure you can get behind. Think of how many futures you could improve by giving yourself to science. Think of the families you could bring peace to. No more will a parent have to say farewell to their child who has been killed in action. No more will a child be orphaned by the travesties of war. You can give him a family. His own family. You can bring them back to him.”

Once he finished saying this, there was a gaping lull in the conversation as Shepard’s thoughts drifted away to the moment when he left Earth behind. The Destroyer had turned that shuttle, as well as the people inside of it, into nothing but ashes. How many had died to the Reapers these past months? The body count across the galaxy couldn’t possibly be calculated. He had provided everyone with hope by destroying the Reapers. The choice to give even more, however, seemed like a nice one.

“Shepard…” Kaidan uttered, suddenly worried that he would give in to him. “He’s just trying to manipulate you into agreeing. We don’t know his true intentions here. We can’t trust him.”

“It’s okay,” he reassured him, then turned back to Clarke, his decision concrete and final. “I’m getting a little tired of being a martyr. You might be surprised to know this, but it kind of screws you up after a while.”

“Once you’re dead, you won’t have anything to worry about, will you? Think about it. You can finally get the peace and the rest you deserve. No more fighting. No more scars. Just endless, serene silence.”

The others nervously eyed Shepard, having seen him make serious choices in the past, some of which resulted in erasing someone’s life. Kaidan’s anger at Nameless seemed to have completely vanished, exchanged for the sudden fear of loss.

“Shepard, you’re not really…” Garrus began, unable to finish.

“No,” he told them all, and they sighed in unison.

“Thank the goddess,” whispered Liara.

“Humanity and aliens alike have suffered greatly these past few years,” Shepard went on. “But I learned a long time ago that I can’t save them all. I did what I could for everyone. Sometimes, doing your best just has to be enough.” He lowered his head and sighed. “You’re right. I do deserve a rest. I do deserve peace. But the kind I’m looking for doesn’t involve me in a grave. After everything I’ve done, I think a little happiness is not much at all to ask for. You can’t make me sacrifice myself for something that I have no control over, especially when I have no idea what the outcome will be. I’ve lost a lot of friends, mentors, and protégés. I’ve watched as those who mean the most to me march off to their deaths. In the end, they made their decision, and I’ve made mine. I’m going to continue living… and until my last breath, I will never forget them. I will honor them. I will memorialize them. I don’t need to resurrect them. To me, they already live forever.”

There were several moments of silence as Clarke reviewed Shepard’s monologue. “Are you sure?”

“What? You think the only choice I have to help others is to kill myself? That’s asinine. I didn’t fight so long and so hard just to give up everything. Why does everyone treat me like I have to go jumping into green lasers and singeing my own flesh off in order to solve the galaxy’s problems?”

Clarke was amused, to say the least, regardless of Shepard’s lack of cooperation. “You have a bit of a track record for setting things straight in complicated ways.”

“Hey, I only make do with the options given to me, okay? I don’t always have a choice to say ‘to hell with it’. I do now. So… the hell with it. And the hell with you. I think I’ll keep whatever few years I have left on my lifespan. I owe my family and friends that much after they had to watch me die so many times.”

Clarke didn’t seem angry, or even frustrated. Instead, his words carried a darkened note of dreariness. “That’s… unfortunate, Shepard. You could have made this much easier on me, and on your friends. You’re leaving me with little other choice.”

“Well, that’s ten times more options than the choices given to me in my past. If I can suffer through difficult decisions, so can you. Deal with it.”

“Damn right,” agreed Garrus, now pumped up for whatever challenge would be thrown at them.

“This is fruitless, Shepard,” Clarke expressed, unfazed. “You’re not changing a thing.”

He made sure that Clarke could see the smirk on his face when he said, “Funny. That’s what Harbinger told me.” He shrugged.

Clarke hung up the call then, leaving them in suspenseful silence. Then the elevator shook, and proceeded up to the next floor. None of them spoke on the ride up, but everyone unhooked their guns from their respective slots. The doors slid open, and on the other side was a group of five Phantoms, standing shoulder-to-shoulder, all with weapons in hand.

“Step out of the elevator,” the one in front demanded, aiming straight for Shepard’s head.

He ducked out of the way, tucking himself against the wall, and bullets sprayed the interior of the elevator. Liara blasted them back, knocking them all on their asses and sending them sailing down the corridor. They shouted obscenities, both clear and incoherent nonsense. Shepard and the gang filed out of the elevator as the Phantoms found their footing a second time.

Shepard unhooked a grenade from his belt. They didn’t stick around to see the conclusion. “Grenade!” one of them screamed, and they scrambled down the hall. Shepard chucked it down the hall ahead of them, foiling their escape. The hallways erupted in a tumultuous blast, scattering the floor with debris. Before dying, they might have mentioned something about “biotics being bullshit,” but the explosion was still ringing too heavily in his ears to tell.

Shepard waved for the others to follow, and they tagged along with him as he headed down the hallway, passing many office doors of a strong, sturdy material. Many of them were locked down in conjunction with the alarm that began to sound overhead.

“What now, Shepard?” Garrus asked, striding alongside Shepard, watching as he continued to guide Nameless along.

“I’m getting to it,” Shepard answered. He nudged Nameless, who continued to walk ahead of them, despite being unclear on their direction. “How many Phantoms are here, on average?”

“I don’t know,” sighed Nameless, already seeing himself on the end of a rope. “Hundred? Two hundred, maybe?”

“Why are you all working for him?”

“We have our own reasons.”

“Do those reasons have to do with me?”

“They… might.”

Shepard stopped midway down the hall, signaling for him to face him. He did as he was commanded. “What’s yours?”

Nameless smirked for a second, and Shepard thought he was cracking up, but on the contrary, he seemed to hold it together quite well when he said, “I think you’re a lot worse than people like to claim you are.”

Kaidan looked prepared to speak in his defense, but Shepard waved to him to hold it in for the time being. Next, Shepard queried, “How so?”

“How about when you destroyed a mass relay and killed hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians?”

Patience was one thing Shepard had plenty of practice in executing, though he wanted nothing more than to lash out on every single thing that expected more from him than he could deliver. If he was lucky, he’d live fifty more years, and he’d already done more than he intended to for The Milky Way. “I never claimed that to be a victory. I had no choice. I did what I could to warn those colonies. I served my time for it.”

“You didn’t serve enough. If you had been anyone else, they would have taken you out back and shot you in the face. And you know it.”

“Perhaps. They might have allowed me some leeway due to my history. I’m not going to say that it was a fair judgment. All I can say is that I did what I could, and it’s not something I look back on with pride. If I could have stopped it, and if I could have had it any other way, I would have done it.”

The deep pitch of Grunt’s voice entered the discussion. “Wasn’t it just a bunch of a batarians? I don’t see why anyone’s shedding a tear over them.”

Shepard rubbed his forehead. “Not the point.”

Nameless wasn’t finished with his accusations. “They all died for nothing. You didn’t even manage to stop the Reapers. They came. They destroyed our homes. Our families. All you did was delay them.”

“I had hoped the Council would heed my warnings in that time. They had trouble accepting the truth that the Reapers were coming for us. I might have been able to save more lives if more people had listened to me.”

Garrus, exasperated, barked, “Why are you explaining yourself to this asshole?”

That took him a second to comprehend, yet he couldn’t solve the mystery with deductions alone. “I just feel like I have to. Don't know why, really.”

Nameless still hadn’t let up. “And when they hit, what did you do? You left Earth to fend for itself while you went on a space cruise with your buddies.”

“Ah,” Kaidan voiced with a long, heavy sigh. “That’s what this is about.”

His defensiveness of the position rivaled the strength of the pounds of armor he hauled around on his back. “You have an interesting idea of what a ‘cruise’ is, because that implies we had a lot of fun. I watched friends of mine die, right in front of my face. Then my closest friends and loved ones had to leave me behind and assume me for dead with the notion they might never see me again! Does that sound like a cruise to you?!”

As Shepard took several jagged breaths, none of them spoke. After the fire burned out, Nameless said, “No,” with his head lowered.

Taking a step back, Shepard eased up and calmed down, though the thought of losing control and snapping on the guy didn’t sit well with him. Normally, he settled things in a passive manner. He couldn’t have lost his mind yet. “Listen to me… whatever your name is… I’ve done things that seem painted black to a lot of people. But it’s not as two-toned as they might believe. There are gray areas. They aren’t easy to get through. And I wouldn’t wish these situations on my worst enemy.”

“Daniel.”

“Huh?”

“That’s my name. Daniel.”

“Oh.” He loosened his posture, and his gaze softened. “Nice to meet you.”

“I lost my parents the first day of the Reaper descent. Then my brothers and sisters. I’m all that’s left of my family.”

This hadn’t been the first time someone had delivered shocking news to him. Seemed like it was part of the job. “I’m sorry. That must have been hard.”

“I blamed you for that. Everyone always talked about you and interviewed you like you were a god or something. I always wondered what they all saw in you. The lives you’ve saved don’t amount to half of the ones you let get taken away. But you’re right. It’s a lot grayer than that. You’ve lost people, too. That’s something I should consider.”

Shepard placed a hand on his shoulder as a comforting gesture, though Daniel didn’t look composed enough to consider it friendly. “None of us came out of the Reaper War without losing something. What matters is that we’re alive now, and we have the chance to repair what was broken. I wish it had been attended to sooner, but I can’t change the past. I can only look forward. So can you.”

Daniel relaxed in Shepard’s firm hold on him. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“I’ve already put it behind us.”

Every member of Shepard’s squad looked at one another with combined confusion and amazement. “How does he do that?” Liara wondered.

“I have no idea,” Garrus answered. “He just does.”

“He talked me into betting on a varren race once at Silver Coast,” Kaidan shared with them. “I told him I didn’t gamble anymore, but he just made it sound like a good idea.”

“So how much did you lose?” James asked with a snicker.

Kaidan replied woefully, “Eight hundred credits. He reimbursed me. A week later, but still.”

“He paid you back?” Tali choked. “He never paid me back for the drinks I bought for his apartment.”

Daniel stood by and watched the friendly banter unfold, completely distant from the inner workings of their extravagant camaraderie. How they managed to get so off-topic and unrelated to the more serious matters at hand was quite the astonishment. Before he had to listen to any more of it, he spoke up. “I think I might know of another way up to the executive offices if you still want to get up there.”

Shepard turned back to Daniel, intrigued. “I’d appreciate it.”

“Clarke is real sweet on this one woman that works in the cybernetics labs. I don’t know if they have a thing, and frankly, I don’t want to know. She’s a lot younger than him, and… yeah. There’s another elevator in the labs where she’s at that goes up to processing, and that’s only a few floors below the main office. Only the technicians have special access, though. She’s going to have to give us the voice code to get us up there, and I’m sure Clarke will let her regardless of who’s with her.”

“How do you propose we do that? I’m not going to threaten it out of her.”

“I’m not saying we have to. But she’s pretty stubborn. She interacts frequently with the Phantoms for the mechs we buy from them, so I know firsthand what she’s like.”

“Yeah, about those…”

“I’ll get to that later. Let’s just get to the labs and get this over with. We have a few floors to climb, and I’m a smoker.”

They followed Daniel’s lead to the stairwell, which was well-lit, but dank and reeked of oil. Hung on each wall all the way to the top were lights and scrolling signs, labeling each floor with what could be found on it. The electronic signs and symbols guided them up to the eighth floor, labeled as “Cybernetics.” Among Shepard’s crew, James was the first to reach the top of the stairs, with Shepard and Kaidan following close behind. The last to make it up was Tali, who was wheezing through her mask.

“Can we…” She panted. “Rest for a…” Wheeze. “Moment?”

“I’m impressed, Sparks,” James encouraged with zeal, hoping it would get her moving. “I’d have thought those living on ships their whole lives would have atrophied limbs.”

“How do you know she doesn’t?” asked Garrus.

James raised an eyebrow at him. “You mean _you_ don’t know?”

“I… don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Shepard allowed Tali to rest for the time being while he turned his attention to Daniel. “Where should we be looking?”

“She usually works in lab seven,” Daniel told him, keeping himself tucked behind the wall. “I don’t know a whole lot about her. Just that she’s a biotic and usually keeps to herself.”

“I tend to get along best with people like that,” Shepard joked, though Daniel wouldn’t have understood it.

“She doesn’t really like me. You’ll have to do the talking.” A repetitive bleeping sound echoed from the omni-tool on Daniel’s arm, which he hesitated to activate, and looked to Shepard for confirmation on how to proceed.

“Do it,” Shepard urged, looking out into the immense hallway to the Cybernetics division. There weren’t enough crates to duck behind for him to feel comfortable at being out in the open. No catwalks or walkways to hover on, either.

Daniel answered the incoming video message, pulling it up and looking at another Phantom, one with a mask on his face. “Daniel! What the hell happened in the lot?!”

He stared at his caller for a while. “I’m sure you can figure it out by looking at the bodies.”

“Don’t play with me. I know you’re with Shepard. You traitorous coward.”

“Vince, we need to call this operation off. Clarke is throwing us in front of Shepard because he’s too much of a pussy to do it himself. He’s just watching us get slaughtered until one of us gets lucky enough to get a shot in.”

“You’re threatening me? Hah. You were all talk, weren’t you? All of this nonsense about ‘standing for something’. Apparently that changes when you have a gun in your face.”

“That’s one way of putting it. Sure.”

“Have it your way, Daniel. I won’t be there to tell them to hold their fire when they prepare to shoot you down like the dog you are.”

“Vince!”

“Goodbye, Daniel.”

When the call ended, Daniel closed the tool, his skin as white as chalk. “That could have gone better.”

Shepard checked the hallway again, keeping out of sight of the few people walking by the lab’s wall-sized windows. “Who was that?”

“In a way, you could say he was _my_ commander. In title alone, of course. We don’t exactly have official ‘ranks’, but Clarke did want him to run the show.”

“You all seem pretty efficient for being such a fresh group.”

“It’s not fresh. Not technically. For many of them it might be. This group has been around for at least a year. I joined up when it was just a handful of guys. It was hard to find people who hated Commander Shepard, so we felt we were in the minority. Still, we tried to raise awareness about you and the things you’ve done. Had we done this out in the Terminus Systems, I guarantee the Phantoms would be triple the size it is now. Humans don’t have many reasons to despise you. We grew over time, but it was only after the Reapers died that they suddenly came to us in droves. I didn’t think anything of it… until now, of course.”

Though Shepard wanted to push on and get upstairs to Clarke, he was also too engrossed in the conversation. For so long, this hidden group had been assembling under his nose, rallying people for the sole purpose of demonizing him. He didn’t blame them for their opinion—his record didn’t look as pretty on file as it sounded coming from his mouth—but he did have to wonder what their motives were. What were they planning to do once their group ascended to full size and strength? Would they have attacked him? Would they have harmed his friends? His family? The very thought made his blood boil.

“Why ‘The Phantoms’? At first I thought you might be ex-Cerberus. They had an indoctrinated army of augmented soldiers fighting for them, ones that were filled with the very implants SETI made for them.”

“I know about Cerberus,” Daniel mentioned before he could continue. “But not much. We have nothing to do with them. We called ourselves Phantoms in memory of the people and aliens you got killed. I can guarantee none of us have implants. We’re just normal people.”

Garrus entered the conversation with a slight hiss to his speech. “Right. Forming a terrorist organization because you’re offended that a war, of all things, has some casualties to it— that’s the _normal_ thing to do.”

Daniel made a few throaty sounds of disbelief. “Terrorist? We were not terrorists! All we wanted was for the Alliance to take more precautions. People and aliens were dying out there, and they didn’t seem to care. I sympathized more with Cerberus than I did with them.”

“And the fact that your little club had innocent civilians slaughtered in the streets for praising Shepard means no-never-mind to you.”

As though a boot had slammed into his mouth, Daniel was silenced. “What? No. No, that can’t be right.”

“It is,” Liara said, stepping up with her omni-tool, which she used to bring up the video footage. As she showed it to Daniel, he witnessed firsthand the Phantoms, clad in their custom-made red garb, attacking a colony of Shepard fans who were throwing a celebratory event. He cupped a hand over his mouth and took a few steps back, turning green.

He took a few seconds to run the information through his mind, taking deep breaths. “I can’t believe that. Why? Why would they do it?” He pointed a lengthy index finger at Shepard. “We hated you. Not everyone else. We would never take it out on the people. The whole reason we were in it was to protect them. This makes no sense. If you want my honest opinion… I think they were paid to do that.”

“They must have been paid a lot,” Shepard said, doubtful of his reasoning. “I can speak from experience when I say it’s not easy to do something like that. Money doesn’t take the scars away.”

Garrus, which his nose in the air, said, “Or maybe you need a much better recruitment process. Because right now, you look like the thugs here. Not us.”

There was no arguing his position, or the position of the Phantoms. Garrus had been right: the Phantoms began because Shepard was the enemy, only to end up as the enemy themselves. “When Clarke contacted us and hired us, I saw it as an opportunity. I knew he wanted Shepard for his own reasons, but he understood us.”

“Looks like he’s using you to me. Not very well, by the looks of things. I’ve seen mercenary gangs, and I’ll tell you now: you’re amateurs. This is coming from a guy that killed some of the most amateur mercs in the galaxy. All your people are doing is getting themselves murdered.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I can see that.”

Shepard hushed them, and they obeyed. “I want to get up there. Whatever it is he wants me for, it can’t be worth all of this death. If I have to stop him myself, I’m going to. Let’s move.”

Daniel, as well as Shepard and the rest of his crew, filed out into the hallway when it was clear for them to move without being seen. Daniel rushed them over toward lab seven, which they had to turn a few corners to get to. Shepard loved hugging corners for cover, but walking around them was a nightmare. Anyone or anything could be on the other side of it.

Not seeing any Phantoms roaming the halls, Daniel waved the others into lab seven, and they streamed in after him. The lab, which was bigger than any other owned by Cerberus that Shepard had seen, was filled with more machines than people. On all sides of the room were artifacts, both large and small, which were protected by structures made of metal or glass. The ambience of the room was a low, electronic hum of many terminals working at once, and the wall was covered in monitors, each tracking a different project. The handful of technicians, who seemed to have been warned about the apparent “intruders,” panicked at the sight of Commander Shepard himself strolling in with an array of guns strapped to his back. They all froze in place, leaving their work unattended, speechless.

Shepard could already sense the tension in the room. “I’m not going to hurt any of you,” he promised. “I need to get up to the top level. I was told one of you could do that for me. It’s important.”

They remained silent, stirring and shuffling about. Finally, a woman near the back of the room approached, parting the small crowd of people who were debating whether or not to flee. Her head was topped with long, dark hair, which was tied into a bun. Her walk had a slight hunch to it, one produced by the stressors of work, and her physique was fit, though it was difficult to tell through her lab coat.

“Commander Shepard,” she said with a mixture of honor and amnesty in a mild Turkish accent. “You’ve troubled yourself to come all the way up here to speak to my employer? I can tell you that it isn’t worth the grief. It especially isn’t worth the cost of the lives being thrown at you.”

“War has a way of changing your perspective on what ‘worth’ is. Whatever he wants from me, I’d like to settle it as peacefully as possible.”

“I don’t think you can, Commander. Not now.”

Before he could respond, he felt Kaidan brush past him and step out in front of him. “Rahna?”

Rahna’s serious expression transformed into one of shock. Her mouth hung open for a few moments as she tried to understand what the hell was going on. “Kaidan? What are you doing here?”

“He’s with me,” Shepard said, a bit more abruptly than he wanted to. “Uh. Part of my crew.”

She touched her face, wrapping her mind around what she was seeing. “You’re on Shepard’s crew? I hadn’t heard anything about that.”

Kaidan first granted Shepard a conciliatory glance before focusing on her again. “I would have told you if we left on speaking terms. You gave me a pretty wide berth. I thought the message was clear that you didn’t want to talk to me again.”

“I didn’t.”

“Right. Okay. That’s… fair.”

Rahna paced back and forth in front of the soldiers before her, her will strong and her head high. “You’ve really moved up in the galaxy, haven’t you?”

“He’s a Spectre,” Shepard told her in a voice thick with pride.

“No kidding. I always thought Spectres were ruthless thugs looking to solve any problem with force. I can see that you’re different.” She used both a glower and grimace to get her point across.

“Rahna,” whispered another technician, hiding behind a shelf of scopes and circuit boards. “Don’t provoke him. He’s going to kill us.”

“He wouldn’t do something like that … would you, Commander?”

“No,” Shepard agreed.

“See? You’ll be fine.” She took a few steps closer to Kaidan. “You sure filled out a uniform nicely over the years.”

With a few light rubs of the back of his neck, Kaidan said, “They’re all a little snug. Even the ones in my size.”

“Kaidan. I’m not going to fight with you. There’s no need to sweat so much.”

“Sweating? Who’s sweating? I’m not sweating.”

“Says you,” coughed Grunt.

“Why are you working in a place like this? You were a great biotic. Better than me, even. You could have joined up with the Alliance.”

Rahna stared him down, not with intent, but with incredulousness. A touch of sadness lingered on her face as she shook her head. “What do you mean by ‘a place like this’? I love my job here.”

“I didn’t mean… I’m sorry. I wasn’t implying…”

“After what happened at Jump Zero, I wanted to apply my biotics to something that would change the world for the better. Maybe even the whole galaxy. I vowed that I wouldn’t use them to murder anyone. You influenced me in more ways than you know, Kaidan.”

The air had become thicker than smoke, and Shepard thought about stepping in, but knew that some things just didn’t require his help. This was something Kaidan had to work out on his own, and by the looks of it, he’d have a lot on his mind for the next few hours. “Maybe this is a conversation you should both have in private.”

“It’s all right, Commander,” Rahna said, looking away from Kaidan. “I’ve said all I needed to say about it.”

“Rahna…” Kaidan started, but didn’t have the strength to continue.

She focused on Daniel, who casually weaved around Shepard’s team. “I know what this is about. You want to see Clarke. Maybe even kill him. I’m sorry. I can’t let you do that. While I don’t agree with his methods, and while he might be taking one too many things personally, he’s still a good boss, and a friend to me.”

Shepard’s eyes narrowed. “You’re okay with him trying to kill me, though?”

“He’s a fool, Commander. He doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into. He’s spent so long building his ego that he’s forgotten what made this company flourish. I’ve tried to talk him out of this countless times, but he won’t listen to reason. So, no. I’m not okay with him trying to kill you. But I’m not okay with you hurting him, either. I don’t need blood on my hands on either side. I’m not letting you go up there, especially so heavily armed.”

“I’m trying my best to find a peaceful solution. Hell, I don’t even understand what he wants. He tells me my implants are valuable to him and claims his reasons are altruistic. Yet he’s hired mercenaries hunting me down just to get it. This can’t just be about saving lives. Do you know anything about this?”

For a while, she didn’t answer him, and her steel exterior weakened. As though a brisk chill had breezed in, she wrapped her arms around her chest. “Yes.”

“Please. I just want to know what’s going on. If you can help me…”

“I will. I just…” She looked to her co-workers, who looked as nervous as she did. “There are some things better left unknown.”

“I spoke to a child made of air who told me to take his job in controlling an entire race of machines built in the image of giant sea monsters. Whatever it is, my mind can handle it.”

As her lips parted and her brow folded, she looked to Shepard’s crew, who were nodding in conjunction. “Um. All right, then. If you really want answers, I suggest we talk about this somewhere safer. If the Phantoms find you here, there’s no doubt they’ll start shooting. I’m not getting my team killed, or anyone else. I’ve seen enough death.”

“We could bring her aboard the Arishoc,” suggested Garrus. “There’s no way your buddy is going to come hunting you on an Alliance warship. You’ll get the answers you’re looking for, and we can spare the ammunition.”

“What about Clarke?” asked Liara. “Is he planning to go anywhere?”

Rahna’s head shook a few times. “Doubtful. I think he’s been sleeping in his office lately. Though I’m sure he’s added a lot more security.”

“If he isn’t going to play our way, we’ll have the Alliance bring him into custody,” Shepard told them. His crew was in agreement, but Rahna wasn’t.

“No. I’ve seen what the Alliance does to its prisoners.”

“I think that’s his point,” James pointed out. “We were going to be the good cops.” He leaned to Shepard, and lowered his voice to a whisper. “You know… we could just fly the shuttle up to the roof and then come in from the top—”

“I don’t think so,” Rahna cut him off, staring him down. James cursed and edged away. “Commander. I’ll do what I can to help you. I’ll tell you everything. I promise, he’s…” Her thought was never finished. The window along the wall busted open, shards of glass raining on all sides of them, and every one of Shepard’s crew dropped to the floor or flattened against a wall on instinct. Rahna also ducked out of the way, hiding behind one of the oversized desks in the middle of the room.

“Rahna!” yelled Kaidan, tucked behind another desk. “Rahna, are you okay?!”

“I’m fine!” she shouted back.

On the other side of the broken window was a row of mechs, all of which were painted black, unlike the white Hanhe-Kedar ones Shepard was so accustomed to seeing. Beyond them were walls of smoke from an exploding grenade, which he deduced had shattered the glass. Shepard listened closely, hearing heavy footsteps stomping toward them, radios clicking on as men and women alike called to each other about “Shepard in the labs.”

Shepard peeked over the broken window, mindful of the glass. He unhooked his pistol and unloaded a round into one of their backs. Then a second, third and fourth. This time, the Phantoms fired without any further discussion. Shepard ducked back down, listening to the eruption of gunfire and biotics around him. His visions blurred, his heart raced, and before he knew it, he was choking on his own breath. It could have been the smoke entering his lungs, that familiar horrible smell of chambered thermal rounds blasting off, or the poor lighting that got in his way of finding his target. Whatever the reason, it disabled him for the time being.

Huddled beside him was Daniel, who observed Shepard with casual curiosity as thermal rounds zipped over their heads. “Something wrong?”

“No,” he lied. “Just stay down.”

“Because you look kind of sick.”

“I’m not.” A ball of blue light knocked a few of the Phantoms back, and he ducked down further, only to find that the onset of dizziness couldn’t hold him in an upright position for long. He hunched over, his hands pressed onto the floor. For the love of God, don’t vomit. Get up. You’re a solider, for fuck’s sake.

“Shepard!” Kaidan called from across the room, though his voice was muffled like it was trapped inside of a tin can. He heard someone coming toward him, but his vision was too blurred to see what was going on. He was suddenly lifted off of the ground, supported by another’s weight. Kaidan was helping him to safety in the furthest corner of the lab, lowering him behind a desk, which was covered in small shards of metallic objects. “Stay there,” he demanded.

“What…?” Shepard replied, starting to argue. “I’m all right!”

“No, you’re not. I’m not throwing you into the fire, and I’m not letting you jump into it. Not anymore.”

“Kaidan…” He started to get up, but the room was swirling too hard for him to find his footing. He ended up collapsing to the floor. What the hell was wrong with him? He didn’t have time to figure it out now. He stayed back as Kaidan asked him to. If he had thought to wait to get his omni-tool replaced, he wouldn’t have had to get benched so easily. He never thought he would miss being able to cloak this much, but he’d pay top credits to get it back.

Kaidan didn’t give him the chance to prove his physical state was on the up and up. He raced ahead and joined the fight, which wasn’t a very long one. The toughest part of it seemed to be dealing with the mechs, which were made of a far stronger material than others they had fought.

Unlike the mechs he had fought in the past, these didn’t explode when destroyed. Instead, their limbs continued to twitch and bend even when detached from their bodies, reaching for any sort of remaining strands of life. One of the mechs’ arms crawled along the floor looking for its dropped weapon. The urge for Shepard to vomit came back with a vengeance.

 _I really hope mechs can’t feel pain,_ he pleaded.

Daniel was the first to come out of cover, looking over the bodies of the Phantoms in the hallway, pulling off their masks and identifying them. Liara joined him, wanting to ensure they were dead. She glanced at Daniel, whose nonexistent remorse was more than enough to be puzzled by.

“Did you know any of them?” she asked him, holstering her weapon.

“No,” Daniel answered, short and to the point. “There are already too many of us for me to recognize new members.”

Rahna was on her feet by now, as were the other scientists. “We need to get out of here, now,” she told them, sternly. “I won’t risk anyone else’s lives.”

Shepard, who was busy gathering his senses, struggled to stand. Whatever was going on inside of his body, he wanted to find out before it perpetuated into yet another internal disaster. “Agreed,” he told her as well as everyone else, who were dusting debris from their armor. Kaidan returned to his side to check on him. Shepard put a comforting hand on his shoulder to let him know he was okay, though the room was still twisting in all directions.

Rahna addressed her coworkers, telling them to use the service elevator to reach their manager, Brandon. The Phantoms wouldn’t be going there. They listened to her advice, though none of them did so without panicking a little. Rahna then approached a series of terminals on the wall, sending out a connection to the other labs, communicating for them to head to the manager’s office for safety. She would keep in touch over the comm.

Once she made certain the others were out of harm’s way, she guided Shepard and his crew to a nearby elevator that would take them back down to the lot. While they rode it down, Rahna queried Shepard on a particular matter. “Experiencing dizziness?”

Stunned that she had caught on, he replied, “Actually, yes.”

“Muscle weakness? Disorientation?”

“A little bit.”

“Any headaches, seizures, fatigue, chills?”

“No. None of that.”

“Not yet,” she warned with eyebrows raised.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling sick, Shepard?” asked Liara, wounded by the implication that he might not trust her. “I would have done something to help you.”

His answer was an honest one: “I didn’t think it was anything to worry about.” He glanced at Rahna. “What’s going on?”

Her eyes drifted to Kaidan, who looked a bit more nervous than Shepard did. “Your implants are damaged. Were you in an accident recently? A crash of some kind?”

“You could say that. I’m sorry, how did you…?”

“Know about the implants? I was part of the project. I helped make them.”

There were a million and one questions Shepard wanted to ask her in that moment, but for now, they had to leave before the situation got any messier. It would have to wait.

They stepped off the elevator into the lobby, crossing it to get to the next elevator for the shuttle lot. Shepard was suspicious of its vacancy, as was everyone who attended his party. Only the VI was there, telling them to “have a pleasant day,” while once again singling out the Spectres. “They have to know we made it out. You had guards here. Security cameras. This is a little too quiet.”

“They might not be eager to follow you,” Daniel explained. “You probably knocked the fight out of them. If I surrendered, I’m sure some of them did the same.”

Shepard wanted to know more, but the fact remained that they didn’t have time to hang around any longer. “We’ll discuss it on the Arishoc. Let’s move.”

 

\-----

 

Aboard the cruiser, Shepard’s crew stuck around to hear every tiny detail regarding Rahna’s involvement in the Lazarus implant, which was a more stimulating show than the multitude of action vids Shepard had come across. When they convened to the debriefing room, Shepard went straight to asking questions, and asking a lot of them. First and foremost, he got to the point that he was sure Kaidan wanted to know:

“It’s a bit of a coincidence that someone who studied at Jump Zero with Kaidan ended up working on the implants.”

“I agree,” Liara said, suspicion rising in her voice.

“I admit, I was very surprised to see Kaidan with you,” Rahna confirmed. “When I was put on the project, they never told me much about your team. I only knew some things about you and your heroics. I knew about the Battle for the Citadel. I knew about Akuze. I knew that you were held to a very high regard. But no one ever told me of the company you kept.”

Kaidan, who didn’t have much to say during the shuttle ride over, weighed in with his own thoughts. “It’s strange, but honestly, Shepard and I both have seen more than our fair share of coincidences.”

“True,” Shepard said with a brief nod. “The galaxy is much smaller than it seems.”

“And if anything… I owe Rahna my thanks.”

Confusion traced her face. “For what?”

“For making the implants in the first place. I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, no matter how rocky our past might be. Shepard is still standing here because of people like you. I’m grateful for that.”

She looked even more confused than before, but she also managed to crack a smile. “I see. In that case… you’re welcome.” When he mirrored her smile, hers grew a few more centimeters.

“So…” Shepard interrupted, scratching his brow, clearing his throat. They both looked in his direction, and he tried to hide his discomfort. “The implants. What do they do exactly?”

“In layman’s terms?”

“If you could, I’d appreciate it.”

“Simply put, they were designed specifically to rebuild organ tissue, regenerate cells, and encourage the heart to continue pumping blood. I had received the full chart with descriptions of your bodily trauma from Clarke, who had received it from Cerberus. It came with… photos.”

Fascinated, Shepard asked, “What did they look like?”

“They weren’t pretty. I was surprised, actually, at what was left intact. A human body on impact with heavy objects or surfaces often disintegrates completely. You still had some…” She placed a hand on her chest as she swallowed. “Parts. In those parts, we could obtain your DNA. That was one of the things we needed most to make the implants workable. The cybernetics needed to become symbiotic with your DNA to function properly.

“I had never worked on something of this magnitude before it was brought to me. But I admit, I was looking forward to being challenged. I knew what had to be done, but conventional human tools wouldn’t have been enough. There was a reason they were brought to me. Biotics were needed to complete it. These implants couldn’t be soldered or screwed together. They needed careful fusing, a flow of dark energy. I could make it happen.”

“What are they made of? How do they even work?”

Rahna nervously twisted her hands together. “If I told you… you might not believe me.”

“I put a lot of faith into the miracles of science,” Shepard comforted.

“It’s very alarming information, Commander.”

“If someone is out there trying to kill me to get these implants, I want to know why. I have to.”

Her head bowed as she continued to glide one hand over the other. “All right.” She rested her hands on the table, keeping her head down, not looking him in the eye. “Our own technology wasn’t nearly advanced enough to create cell growth when a body was so badly damaged. We tried everything we could, but it wasn’t enough. There were hundreds of tests, day and night. Nothing worked. We knew what we had to do. We needed advanced technology.

“Salarians, asari, hanar… none of them had what we were looking for. I couldn’t just give up. The project meant a lot to me by that point. Not only would it have pulled SETI out of debt, but it would have revolutionized cybernetics. I didn’t want to resort to using nanites, because the stigma attached to them had been so great. It was my last resort. They are unpredictable, and using them could mean a point of no return. But in the end… it all made perfect sense. The implants are the shell in which nanites live. We couldn’t use just any nanites. They needed to be able to perform and work on their own, twenty-four seven, to help with your heart beating and your nervous system to react. They needed to be… well…”

“Intelligent,” Shepard figured out.

“Yes. Many nanites I had worked with have not had such ability. They could be used to augment an individual, but that was the most we could get out of it. You needed more than augmenting. We had to bring a dead man back to life and keep him from decaying. We needed to somehow compile a fully-functional, microscopic AI. This seemed almost impossible to accomplish, at first. We had no experience with building artificial intelligence.”

“And it’s illegal,” Garrus reminded her.

“Yes,” she confessed. “We knew this. But it was our only option. The implants couldn’t do what Cerberus was asking us to give them… unless it contained an AI smart enough to keep Shepard’s vital signs working at all times. I realize it might be hard to accept, but Commander Shepard has a collective AI living inside of him.”

Shepard didn’t give himself time to take a breath before replying. “That’s impossible. The Crucible destroyed synthetics. Shouldn’t it have targeted me?”

“You’re also part organic. Perhaps you were the exception to the rule. Regardless, I can already tell by your symptoms that your implants need reparations. But that would require a medical lab and the equipment necessary to perform surgery.”

“And if I don’t attend to it?”

“You’ll die. Well, sooner than most. Like in the next few weeks, or so.”

“What?” Kaidan gasped. “Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent,” Rahna told him regretfully.

“The med bay here is fully-equipped,” Kaidan explained urgently. “Maybe that would work.”

“It won’t be enough. Where did Cerberus revive him? That lab would be best.”

Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose. “Cerberus is sort of… not around anymore. They performed the Lazarus Project on a research station, and as far as I know, it was destroyed. If there were other labs Cerberus used, I don’t know of them, but I’m sure it’s easy enough to find out.”

Liara said, “I could look into it right away, Shepard. They might even have a few research labs on Earth, being an all-human organization.”

That was unlikely, but Shepard gave it the benefit of a doubt. “Thanks, Liara.” Shepard quickly changed the subject before the details of his slow and painful eradication destroyed what was left of is psyche. “So what’s your employer’s stake in this? Why does he want the implant back?”

Rahna’s next look was serious, but not exactly grim. “The AI in your implants were successful in bringing you back to life. But we knew that if we were going to use it, it needed to not only bring you back, but _keep_ you alive. We thought about placing a restriction on the AI, telling it to shut down after a certain period of years; an average human lifetime, if you will. Then, we decided against it. They would continue to regenerate your cells, for as long as you wanted them to. Or until you were killed in action or by some other tragic accident… or committed suicide, of course.”

James took a few steps closer to them, waving his hands in disbelief. “You’re telling me that Loco here is _immortal_?”

“You can see why Clarke wants it back. It’s the answer to human mortality. Commander Shepard could outlive an asari. Assuming the implants are fixed. This information wasn’t something we shared with Cerberus or anyone else. They had no idea the power they had on their hands. It was our technology, our ‘secret recipe.’ We knew we had invented the Fountain of Youth. The problem was recreating it. It’s nearly impossible to do. The implants are simply as unique as Shepard is.”

Anyone else might have considered this to be good news, but it was not something Shepard wanted to hear. One of the primary reasons he rejected the option to control the Reapers was immortality—the second being the sheer ludicrousness of taking over the minds of the very things he fought. There was no way he could spend so much time with himself, only to watch everyone else around him die. Even Liara would have to say her goodbyes eventually. If he had known that his life would continue for eons, he might have gone into the Reaper War with a different mindset. He might have pushed himself to even further limits.

Shepard had a lot to dwell on as it was, but this was not something he expected to learn about himself. This changed everything: his past, his future, and everything in between. “I would accept my fate if I didn’t have any hearts to break,” he said, his muscles trembling from weakness, then looked into the haunted and fearful eyes of his partner. “But my life isn’t only mine to give away. I’ve already risked too much, and there are some things I can’t leave behind. Regardless of whether or not I want a thousand years on my lifespan, I can’t leave yet. They need to be fixed.”

When Rahna’s eyes met Kaidan’s, he glanced away, though he couldn’t hide the moisture that had formed in them. She then looked to Shepard, whose desperation was so earnest that it could be tasted. “Then we’ll need the people who took part in the Lazarus Project. Someone who knows the details of your resurgence. I might have overseen the creation of the implants, but I couldn’t perform the necessary surgery on you.”

“There’s only one person I know who can help, and she was assisting in the war effort when I last saw her. I have no idea if she survived or not.”

Rahna, hopeful, asked, “Who is that?”

“Miranda Lawson.”


	9. What Lies

The last time Shepard had seen Miranda face-to-face was the QEC comm he connected to just before running off to his death in London. Even in the midst of destruction and chaos, she was as confident as ever, and he knew that she had to have made it out alive. Someone as strong as that doesn’t just bend to their enemies, and Miranda bent for no one.

The search for her didn’t take long, as the Alliance already had her pinpointed from her assistance in the war. She had ended up on Earth since they last spoke, and had managed to assemble a team of her own to lead into the fight. Shepard didn’t expect her to take a front line role, but all the same, he wasn’t surprised. Her voice had the same power of leadership that Shepard had spent so long using.

According to the intel Liara passed on to him, after the defeat of the Reapers, Miranda remained stationed on Earth and led a team of officials in reconstructing what was damaged, and didn’t waste any time trying to help get their planet cleaned up. Now that the Reapers were gone, they had nothing but time to spend on erecting homes for so many refugees, and Miranda was ready to play an important part in giving them places to stay that weren’t camps or docking bays.

Though he and Miranda didn’t always share the same outlook, he was glad that he would soon see her again. She had put more than simple faith in him during the Collector ordeal—she had treated him with respect by the time it was through. The first time she saluted him, he didn’t think he’d ever see that day come, but he was glad to see that they could work together. Not only did he trust her with his life, he trusted her with his death.

The door to the cabin opened, and he checked to see who his sudden visitor was. Kaidan had come in, though his stride was much slower and less energetic than he had seen it before. “Hey, there,” he said to him, holding back any ounce of depression he might have been feeling.

“Hey,” Kaidan answered, dragging his heels. “I, uh… I thought I’d come to let you know that they’re sending a team out to bring Miranda back here. They said she was glad to hear you were alive.”

“I’m glad she’s okay, too.” He stepped away from the window and came to Kaidan’s side. As soon as he placed his hands on his shoulders, his head fell. “Hey… it’s all right.” Kaidan didn’t say anything, but his arms came around his neck and squeezed. “Kaidan,” he whispered, swinging his arms around his waist and moving his hands softly along his back. “Don’t worry. It’ll be okay.”

“When are you going to stop scaring me like this?” he asked, his words shaking along with his breath. Shepard wished he had an answer for him. “I don’t consider myself a religious man. Hell, how can I, with the things we’ve done and seen all these years? But if there is some kind of god out there, Shepard…” He took a few unstable breaths. “I just want Him to give you a break. Is that too much to ask?”

A few gentle chuckles exited his mouth into Kaidan’s ear. “No. It’s not.”

“I’ve thought a lot about us. What our future would be like. I always see us waking up late in the morning. Eating a huge breakfast. You know, the kind with bacon. Sharing some coffee, reading reports, watching vids— the kind that aren’t Commander Shepard documentaries, of course. We’d go out for drinks in the evening, and just enjoy each other’s company. No wars. No armies. No enemies. Just us, being us. I’d even dance with you.”

He had a laugh at his own expense. “Are you sure? You’d look pretty goofy dancing next to me.” He felt an exhale from Kaidan that he might have intended as a laugh, but it didn’t come out that way.

“I don’t care.” He hugged him tighter. When his breaths became even more exaggerated, Shepard soothed him with more strokes to his back, but even his touch couldn’t calm him.

“Kaidan, I promise… I’m not planning to leave you so soon. I’m going to do what I can.”

He didn’t seem too assured, as though their persistence was pointless. “I want to be able to wake up next to you every morning. I want to start every day by seeing your face. I don’t want to say ‘I love you’ to an old photo of you and wish I could have done more to help you. Shepard, I’ve already made up my mind that I’m with you until the very end. I just…” He sighed, loosening his embrace, giving Shepard some breathing room. “I didn’t expect the end to come so soon after I just got you back.”

Though Kaidan kept his head down and didn’t seem to want to look him in the eye, Shepard took his face in his hands and lifted it so that they could see one another. “It’s not over yet. I’ve still got time.” He ran his palm over his cheek, and felt him lean against it. Kaidan closed his eyes, fighting back tears. “We’ve been through too much together for me to just disappear. Right?”

“Shepard… I…”

“I’m not giving up. If anyone can help me, it’s Miranda. I trust her with this.”

“I barely know her. What if what she wants your implants, too? What if she’s working with this Clarke guy?”

“She’s not. She’s my friend, Kaidan. I wouldn’t go to her if she wasn’t.”

He ran a hand over his hair, walking across the room to the window. “Yeah. I know that. You put your faith into the right people, and I should trust you in that. I’m just… scared. Shit. I’m _really_ scared.”

The truth was that he was just as terrified, but telling that to him would have only worried him further. Keeping a level head might not have felt as good, but it was in Kaidan’s best interests. “I’ve got a lot of support from a wonderful team. No one’s going to let me go so easily.” He followed him to the window, stepping up behind him and draping his arms around him once more. For a while, they stood with each other in silence, though to Shepard it felt more like grief.

“You really want to spend the rest of your life with me?” Shepard asked him with a smile on his face.

“Of course I do,” Kaidan confirmed, confident, though melancholy.

“Even though I’m a light sleeper?”

He laughed, briefly. “I don’t mind kissing your nightmares away, if that’s what you mean.”

Shepard tightened his arms around his waist, pressing his face into his neck, breathing him in as though it would be the final time. Just one more trial. He could do it. If he could get through this, they could move on from everything and anything that reminded them of things that wanted him dead. The life he wanted to live was just out of reach, pulling back every time he got close enough to it. Nothing had sounded better than what Kaidan had proposed—to wake up next to him in the morning. For there to be a morning at all. A sunrise. When was the last time he actually saw one?

The stars outside the window hung around them like spotlights, a starship sailing by every once in a while, likely heading to a different section of Earth to assist in cleanups. Another few were leaving the Earth’s atmosphere to the outer reaches of the Sol system, presumably to help reassemble the destroyed relay. They had their work cut out for them, even with entire fleets assembled. From up in the Arishoc, the planet didn’t look as green and blue as it used to.

“Kaidan,” he started, quieter than he intended to. “About Vancouver…”

He took a deep breath and released it. “It’s gone, isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry. I wish more than anything that I could bring it back for you.”

He went quiet for some time. “I heard from my mother just before we went to London. She made it out of there in time. But my father… I don’t think I’m ever going to get the chance to introduce you. You would have liked each other, though. Once he’d get a few beers in him, he’d start praising you and asking you to tell him stories until the sun came up.”

“I would have told him every one. Don’t think he would have believed me, though.”

“I’d have vouched for you. But then he’d call me biased. Still. Would have been proud.” Silence washed over them again, and Shepard spent the next few minutes snuggling him like a childhood toy.

Shepard was the next one to speak after some time, and he did so with a bit of finesse. “Am I allowed to mention how awkward it is having your ex-girlfriend on board?”

“Shepard…” He gently nudged him with his elbow, grinning. “She wasn’t my girlfriend.”

“You liked each other, though. That’s what you told me. You admitted you wanted more than friendship.”

“Well, wanting something and obtaining it are two different things. Besides, that was a long time ago. I told you how we parted. There was no coming back from that. It just wasn’t something that was meant to happen. Although, I’ll agree. It does feel weird to have you both in the same place.”

“Speaking of feeling weird… do you trust her?”

This question prompted him to turn around and face him, and though he looked accusatory at first, he quickly changed his view. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in years. She could be an entirely different person by now. When I knew her, she was smart, and kind, and had a level head. I suppose we taught each other a lot of things, but she especially taught me how to treat others with respect. That wasn’t something I was very good at before we got to know each other.”

Shepard frowned. “Sounds like you would have made a nice couple.”

He brushed Shepard’s face with his fingers. “Not as nice as you and me.” Shepard leaned in for a kiss, searching for comfort. A kiss from Kaidan was all it took to convince him that he wasn’t going anywhere.

“As for trusting her…” Kaidan continued once they were able to pry themselves apart. “That’s tough to say. She was never a dishonest individual. She was loyal. I believe her.”

“Something’s not right,” Shepard told him honestly. “She seems kind enough, but… how could she possibly know that my implants are the problem with my health? Those symptoms could mean anything.”

“Other than the research team at Cerberus, she’s spent more time around your cybernetics than anyone else. I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to believe her.”

“I would believe her if she could see my implants before determining what was wrong with them. But just looking at my symptoms? There’s no way anyone could pinpoint those to my cybernetics with just guessing.” Kaidan shrugged and looked ready to answer, but Shepard cut him off. “I know. I’m being cynical. Other than my team, I feel like I can’t trust anyone these days. It seems every time I help someone, or someone reaches out for my assistance, they end up indoctrinated, or working for the other guy, or looking to get laid.”

Kaidan looked concerned for a moment, his brow pinched in bewilderment.

“Okay. I may have made that last one up. But you know what I mean. It all seems too convenient to me. Maybe that’s my inner soldier talking, or I’ve just become paranoid. Either way, this is bothering me.”

“I’m not going to stand here and tell you that you’re wrong for having doubts. There have been too many times when I was wrong about things. I pointed a gun at you once because I doubted you. I’m only saying that sometimes we do things we’ll later regret, and we have to live with ourselves afterward. I learned that the hard way. The one I’m really worried about is your little buddy, Daniel.”

Shepard began to pace the cabin like an agitated krogan, rubbing the stress from his face, fighting off a spell of dizziness. “I’m not too thrilled about having him here, either, but what other choice do I have?”

“I don’t trust him, but I trust you. I wouldn’t second guess you, Shepard. Not again. I know that whatever choice you make, you’re doing your best to make the right one.”

 _I wish I felt the same way,_ Shepard thought, feeling suddenly ill. _Whenever I make a decision, someone dies. Including me._

“Thanks. I’m glad you still have faith in me.”

“Always.”

The room twirled, and the colors blended together like splattered paint on a canvas. “I don’t feel so well,” he groaned, stumbling toward the bed. “I think I’ll get some sleep before Miranda gets here.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

He almost told him it wasn’t necessary, but the thought of sleeping alone now made him anxious, and not just because of their new companions. “Yeah. I’d love that.” As he sat down and started untying his boots, Kaidan sat beside him and leaned against him with his head on his shoulder. Shepard had been looking forward to his affection all day. Whatever this ridiculous nonsense was with SETI, it would be a cold day in Hell before he let it stop him from settling down. If it wasn’t for Kaidan’s history with Rahna, he would have kicked Clarke’s door in by now and made the madness stop. He wasn’t about to commit a… what did Udina call it once? A “diplomatic incident”? In spite of being a Spectre, he still had priorities and morals to follow.

After undressing, he tucked himself under several inches of sheets and blankets, feeling a chill coming on. As he shivered, his teeth clicked together like maracas, and Kaidan engulfed him with warmth. Already, he didn’t like the implications that Rahna was correct about his oncoming symptoms. He also didn’t like to think that someone knew more about him than he did.

He put the event out of his mind, and shut his eyes, getting out one final tremble before passing out. As he succumbed to the darkness of sleep, a delicate whisper entered his ear.

“I love you.”

Soon after, he was sinking into the pit of his subconscious, which was as eternal as his fight for a decent, carefree existence.

 

\-----

 

Upon the fierce winter winds, voices called to him, echoing over the snow-covered trees as a gust swept in and stung his face, as though the ghosts of his fallen comrades had traveled miles just to strike him for his poor judgment. He only had twenty yards to go before reaching the house, where he knew he’d be safe, warm and content; a cabin sitting beside a lake, which was frozen this time of year. He had worked so hard, and so long just to be granted peace, and he was so close he could taste it.

 _Shepard,_ a chorus of voices rang in his ears, some recognizable and others hazy.

Why couldn’t he move any faster than a steady stride? Pushing his legs along were like dragging them through cement, and the cold air numbing his skin exacerbated it. Another step closer to the house. Just a few more, and he’d be free. He could see smoke swiveling out of the chimney, and could smell something baking. Was that pie? Oh, Lord, what he wouldn’t give just to savor something delicious and wholesome. The flavor of military rations was so stale by now that he thought it had killed his taste buds.

He stumbled to the snowy ground, landing in a pile of frozen dust. He gasped for air as it smothered him for a moment, shoving his hand upward to break it away, knocking it out of his face. He gasped, coughed, and blinked flakes out of his eyes.

 _Shepard,_ the ghostly crowd repeated, carried by the falling snowflakes, drifting off into a moan of despair.

He pushed on. Freedom was only yards away. If he could make it there, it would be over. No more struggling. No more nightmares. No more ghosts. He could put an end to these phantoms tormenting him if he didn’t give up.

As he turned to look over his shoulder, he saw an oily cloud rising up from the frozen lake. Like long fingers, tendrils snaked out of it, reaching for him, looking to drag him under. He ripped them from his limbs, fumbling through the knee-high snow, racing to outrun it. Keep moving. Don’t look back. Don’t ever look back. It’ll be over soon.

 _Time to go,_ chanted Mordin’s voice, more assertive than he was accustomed to.

 _Your place is with us, Commander,_ whispered Ashley.

 _Don’t fight it, son,_ Anderson agreed. _Fall and we’ll embrace you._

“It’s not my time,” he argued, only about ten feet from the house now. “I have a future. I’m not letting it go.”

_Shepard-Commander. We only wish to make it painless._

The black cloud snaked closer toward him, covering the treetops with blackness. “No,” he defied it, and picked up his pace in a jog. Finally, he was able to run, and he darted for the cabin’s front door. The orange glow of hearth shone brightly through the windows, beckoning him closer to his safe haven.

 _Pray for him,_ Thane echoed. _Hope he is forgiven._

Shepard barreled through the front door, slamming it behind him, and slid down to the floor, panting and wheezing. As soon as he opened his eyes, he saw a comforting ambience: a fire crackling in the fireplace, where a fine, luxurious rug was sprawled in front of. To the right was a bar loaded up with some of the tastiest brew money could buy. In the distance was a kitchen, where the aroma of pie sailed from. Couches, tables, chairs, all made with human craftsmanship and purely authentic. Above his head swung a candle chandelier made from pewter metal.

This was what home felt like. This was what it smelled like, looked like. This was what humans fought and died for, a place they could see again. This was where he belonged.

He fought to rise up to his feet, until he was fully standing. His back was killing him, but it was nothing a little medi-gel couldn’t mend. As he passed through the living room, he snuck a peek out the windows. Only the wind howled, but nothing tried to get in. He was safe from his ghosts. Safe from the Reapers. Safe from anything else that tried to ruin his life.

He began to unhook parts of his armor, which was so much heavier than usual. As each part came off, they dropped to the floor, making _thunk_ sounds when colliding with the wood. He didn’t make it halfway to the kitchen when he heard the familiar, soothing sound of someone’s voice.

“Shepard.”

On turning around, he saw Kaidan standing before him, wearing a smile and the most casual clothes he had ever seen him in. His palm brushed his cheek, which was like fire against his frosty skin.

“Why don’t I make you some coffee? You’re freezing.”

Only now did he realize that his hands were numb, and that his fingers had no feeling to them. He gave them a look over, examining their stiffness and the smoky black color that covered them. “Kaidan,” he murmured anxiously, and it was muted by the time it left his mouth. When he looked up, he saw that Kaidan had already left for the kitchen.

When he took his next step, it was in a limp. A sudden pain coursed up his legs from the feet up, disabling his walking. The last time he felt this pain was after Harbinger blasted him with his cannon, an agony that was unlike anything he had ever felt.

“Kaidan,” he called again, and once more, it was only a whisper. He didn’t want to go into that kitchen. He didn’t need to look inside of it to know something horrid had happened.

The ear-shattering shriek of a Reaper banshee nearly busted the windows. Then came the grunts, the roars, the blasts of cannons and rifles all combined in a simultaneous bellow. He hobbled through the kitchen door, only for it to lead him onto the London battlefield, where warships drifted overhead and Makos rolled along the crumbled streets.

“Kaidan!” he screamed, but he could barely hear himself over the rattling assault rifles. There was no way he’d ever find Kaidan now, not with the streets already littered with bodies. In the distance awaited Harbinger, once again beckoning him forth.

“I’ve told you, Shepard,” rumbled Harbinger’s bass-like voice, knocking dust from fallen buildings as it vibrated the ground. “You have failed.”

Harbinger was right: this would never end. He’d be trapped here forever.

“Commander Shepard,” echoed another, somewhere in the distance.

With a sharp inhale, his eyes shot open.

“Miranda Lawson is here to see you.” It was Lieutenant Davies, speaking over the cruiser’s comm.

Taking a few deep, concentrated breaths, Shepard sat upright, running both of his hands over his fatigued face. Kaidan was still awake, and had been apparently keeping an eye on him. Shepard said nothing to him, only yanked him into his arms and squeezed. Kaidan coughed while patting Shepard on the back, signaling for him to let up. He released him with an apology.

He stumbled out of the bed and slipped some clothes on with a lackadaisical shuffle, minding the wall he almost crashed into. How long had he been out? It felt to him like several days, but when asking Kaidan, he told him he had only been out for an hour.

They both left the cabin, and Shepard rushed down the snaking corridors that he always managed to get lost in, especially when he was trying to reach an important destination. When he bounded purposefully into the room, Miranda had her back turned to him at first, and Shepard could only identify her from her silken hair and slender physique. No one else’s spine could possibly curve the way hers did.

“Miranda,” he called, standing only a few paces away from her.

Even when meeting up with an old friend, Miranda couldn’t help but keep her cool and retain her marble shell. “Shepard,” she replied, resting a hand on her hip. Her dark hair fell neatly across her shoulders, and her skin-tight suit creaked with every movement she made. Shepard never felt it appropriate to comment, but he always wondered how she managed to fit everything inside of that outfit. He’d be lying if he said his own uniforms and armor were comfortable, especially in the groin region. “You sure have a way of showing up when everyone thinks you’re dead.”

“I like to keep people in suspense,” he said, watching as she shook her head and grinned. “It’s good to see you again.”

Letting go of her pelvis, Miranda shifted from one foot to the other, crossing her arms in the process. Shepard was beside himself at the fact that she was deliberately avoiding touching him. “It’s great seeing you, too. Alive. Of sorts. I suppose thanks are in order.”

“You’re talking about the Reapers?”

“It’s all over the extranet. You defeated them by… talking to an omnipotent figure taking the shape of a young boy.”

“It was as weird as it sounds. Believe me.”

“Shepard… what really happened?”

“It’s all true. Every word of it.” He circled the room, and Kaidan stood nearby at the edge of the table, watching Miranda cautiously.

“Forgive me,” she chuckled. “It just sounds absolutely ridiculous.”

As he encompassed the room, he dragged a finger on the table’s surface, noting its desperate need to be wiped down. “Truth is stranger than fiction.”

“I trust that you’re telling the truth. I only expected things to go a little differently.”

“You and me both.”

“What matters is that you got it done. I knew you could. I never doubted you for a second.”

Shepard joined her at the side of the room she waited in. “I couldn’t have done it without everyone having my back out there. You included.” Her whole face lit up, but then she faked a cough and lowered her head.

“Miranda,” Shepard went on. “I don’t believe you and Kaidan have ever properly met.”

She glanced at Kaidan, who was leaning on the table, acknowledging her with a few nods. “Nice to meet you,” she said, extending her hand.

Kaidan examined it for a second, then took it and firmly shook. “Likewise.”

“He helped me at the Battle for the Citadel, against Saren,” Shepard revealed, once again using that admiration he demonstrated whenever praising Kaidan. “He was also with me every step of the way to help take the Reapers down.”

She waved her hand, nodding. “I remember him. He’s the one you spoke to at Horizon. I considered him pretty damn rude at the time.”

“You weren’t all that polite, either, from what I recall,” Kaidan let her know, holding nothing back. “Not that I expected anything else from someone who worked for Cerberus.”

“Still hung up on that, are you?” she sneered.

“Shepard told me you left to help us fight the Reapers. So no. Not really. I just don’t particularly agree with your methods, is all.”

She turned back to Shepard, her eyes swirling toward the ceiling. “You’re not the only one.” The broad smile returned to her face. “So. I hear you’ve had some run-ins with SETI.”

“What do you know about them? You must have worked together a lot during the Lazarus Project.”

“Together? No. We kept in contact over QEC as often as possible regarding updates on the progress of your implants, but they kept us in the dark about a lot of things. I only received the most basic information regarding the implants, but we had no choice but to trust them. Trying to revive you without those implants resulted in nothing but wasted time. I wanted us to avoid SETI if we could help it, but I knew it was our only option.”

“Did you know anything at all about the implants before installing them?”

“Of course I knew _some_ things. I knew what they were capable of. I didn’t ask how they worked. To be perfectly honest with you… I didn’t want to know. I wanted the job to get done, and if that meant doing it without asking a lot of questions, I was willing to take the risk. My hands already bled enough with the work I put into you, and we didn’t have a lot of time to throw away with the Collectors and Reapers threatening all of us. You needed to come back. By then… I guess I was willing to do anything it took to make it happen.”

He didn’t blame her for her desperation. Had he been in her position, he had no idea how he would have handled it. Two years was a long time to suffer through trial and error. “So SETI was a last resort?”

“Yes. Once I tried everything else, and I saw it wasn’t working out, I knew what had to be done.”

“Did you know Rahna?” Kaidan wondered.

“I’m familiar with her, yes,” she confirmed. “We spoke frequently, since we were both directors for the project. I didn’t really trust her, but she didn’t trust me, either. Why? Did you see her at the facility?”

Knowing the way Miranda handled certain intense situations, Shepard hesitated to tell her the truth. He didn’t need another duo-biotic brawl like she would sometimes engage in with Jack. “She’s here, aboard the Arishoc. She gave me a few shocking facts about what the implants are made from. That’s why I wanted to reach you.”

“Well. That’s something they neglected to mention on the ride up here. The Alliance aren’t known for their candidness, are they?”

“Was Cerberus?” countered Kaidan.

“No. But they had a reason to be discreet.”

“So does the Alliance.”

Miranda peered at him with a curled nose and folded brow. “Is that right? I guess they would have to be, considering how many cover-ups they need to make regarding CAT6 mercenaries and how many people get killed in the N7 program.”

“A person has a _choice_ to enter N training,” Kaidan clarified, the conversation escalating each time it passed back and forth between them. “Not that you would know anything about the honor of even entering the program. Cerberus just turned people into mutant slaves.” Shepard came between them before they started Lifting and Throwing the furniture.

“Enough,” he barked. They both quieted down. “Kaidan, Cerberus is nothing more than millions of tiny pieces floating through the atmosphere. They’re gone now, and Miranda is with us.”

Kaidan’s short breaths showed how frustrated he was, but he quickly got over it with a few light sighs. “I’m sorry, Shepard. I’m just a little… tense.”

He settled down, his shoulders sinking into a more relaxed posture. “It’s okay. We’ll get this figured out. I promise.” He contacted Lieutenant Davies on the comm, watching them both to ensure they didn’t claw each other’s eyes out. “Could you please escort Miss…” he paused. “Rahna into the debriefing room?”

“Yes, Commander,” she answered.

A few minutes later, the doors wheezed open and Rahna strode in, looking first to Miranda, who when seeing her, seemed uneasy at their first face-to-face interaction. “Miss Lawson,” Rahna stated, amazed.

With eyes pinched and mouth agape, Miranda replied, “Miss Sadik.”

Shepard made a mental note of Rahna’s last name. Hopefully he’d be as good as remembering it as he was at remembering faces.

“It’s been a long time,” Rahna informed, standing tall and rigid. The pose was professional, and suited her strong demeanor. “And yet, here we are, meeting under the exact same circumstances.”

“Shepard does have a way of bringing people together.” If she was being sarcastic, Shepard couldn’t tell, and he didn’t want to ask.

“I assume he’s already told you.”

“I actually didn’t mention it yet,” Shepard explained.

Miranda looked at each of them with concurrent concern and suspicion. “Tell me what?”

Rahna didn’t wait for an invitation. “Shepard’s implants are housing a collective AI. They’re programmed to keep his vital functions in working order by sending and receiving data from one organ or muscle to another. They replicate his nervous system. Without them, he won’t have one. And without a nervous system…”

“Wait,” Miranda interrupted, grabbing her perspiring forehead with her gloved hand. “Slow down. An AI? That’s not possible.”

“It’s true. It was the only way. We had quarians help with the project, ones who specialized in synthetic research. It was the first AI we had ever built, and I have never been prouder of any other project I’ve completed.”

“How can an AI even work with an organic body?”

“Technically, the implants are their body. Shepard’s organic structure is merely… a carrying case.”

Miranda shot Shepard an incredulous squint, and her eyes ran up and down his entire form. “You mean a host.” The word “host” slithered out of her mouth with venomous distaste.

Shepard had to admit: putting it that way did seem a lot more disturbing, and he hadn’t considered it before she said it.

“You sound dissatisfied, Miss Lawson,” Rahna implied as she walked around the room. “Everything was a success. Shepard was brought back, just as Cerberus wished. At the time of rebuilding him, you didn’t seem too worried about our resources.”

“Shepard wasn’t my friend back then,” she said, hiding it under her breath. “And now that we know each other a lot better… I can’t say I’m thrilled to hear he has a sentient machine living inside of him.”

Rahna wasn’t without conversational tact. “A sentient machine that you put in— you and your research team. You took the risks. You knew what was at stake. We did what we could, just like you.”

“What if it goes rogue and kills Shepard itself?”

“It’s programmed to work symbiotically with his organs. If it kills Shepard, it dies, too. It’s built with self-preservation for that very reason. They have to work together for them both to survive. Which brings me to the reason why you’re here.”

“Well. Get on with it.”

Rahna gave a passing glance to Kaidan, who shrunk under her gaze and looked away. “The implants were damaged. I don’t know how. Shepard wasn’t too eager to share the details.”

He gave her one detail to work with: “I fell.”

She didn’t ask how far, or from where. If he wanted to share that information, he would have. “With the implants damaged, the AI can’t properly send signals from one implant to another. His muscles will start to deteriorate if the ‘message’ is delayed. Though the AI is programmed with self-preservation, there are some things it isn’t capable of. It’s possible that the AI might have rushed to fix severe bodily trauma and ended up overloading in the process.”

If wariness had a face, Miranda’s was it. “How do you know they’re damaged?”

“Shepard has a series of symptoms correlating with implant errors.”

She didn’t ask Rahna any more questions. Instead, she looked to Shepard. “Is this true?”

He directed his answers to the both of them, though they were specific to Miranda. “I’ve been feeling off since they rescued me. I started out healing very quickly and there were no problems. The past couple of days have been different. I haven’t felt like my normal self. I’m dizzy a lot. Numb in places. Disoriented. Just an hour ago I was getting chills.”

“You could be experiencing some other form of trauma, Shepard.”

“I’ve never been known to scare easy. Wouldn’t you say?”

That was something she couldn’t debate. Shepard faced a human Reaper created from hundreds of thousands of melted people, then shrugged it off afterward and went to the galley for a cup of coffee and talked about biotiball. “I would say so, yes. But it shouldn’t be discounted. You’ve been through a lot. We have no idea if what’s happening to you might be going on inside your head. Maybe you caught a virus. You’re always wandering around without your helmet on.”

“He can’t catch viruses any longer,” Rahna made clear. “The AI destroys them.”

The silence that followed was already uncomfortable enough, but Miranda’s stares alerted Shepard that something was wrong. She was trying to warn him, to indicate that she wasn’t buying a word of this. Shepard understood her incredulousness. He didn’t exactly trust SETI, either, whether or not their employees were close with his significant other at one point in time.

The suspicion on her face faded when she looked at both Rahna and Kaidan. “I’d like to speak to Shepard in private, if you both don’t mind.”

Kaidan spoke up first. “Shepard?”

He hesitated, but ultimately agreed. “Go ahead,” he told Kaidan. “I’ll call you back in later.”

He did as he was told, heading for the door. “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

Rahna, on the other hand, didn’t say anything to Shepard or Miranda before vacating the premises, but she did so regardless. Once Shepard and Miranda were on their own, Miranda took a while to let it all sink in.

“I spent forever regretting putting that control chip in your brain,” she whispered. “And now I’m hearing that you already have one.”

Shepard stood beside her, looking upon her with both respect and long-term kinship. “I’m still in control of myself, Miranda.”

“Is that even you saying that now? How do I know?”

“An AI didn’t make up my memories. They’re there because I lived them. I make my own destiny. That’s the way it’s always been.”

“For all we know, we put a ticking time bomb inside of you, Shepard. If something horrible happens to you, it’ll be my fault. The thought of bringing you back only to be the one that eventually killed you…” She palmed her face, breathing for a few moments. “Sorry. This is just overwhelming. It’s a little more than I can handle.”

“That makes two of us.”

“That is, if it’s even true.”

“You don’t believe Rahna?”

Miranda paced the room, her arms crossed and her head bowed. “I don’t know. Regarding the implants, I think she’s telling the truth. As for repairing the damage to you… she might have an ulterior motive.”

“What makes you say that?”

“She knows everything about your cybernetics. I don’t even know as much as her. She’s working for Clarke. She might be trying retrieve the implants for him, working with us under the guise of someone loyal and helpful to you. She might sabotage you.”

“Miranda, I’ve considered that already. Either I take her word for it and let her help me, or I don’t and take a huge risk. I’m not the only one my life means something to. If something is wrong, and I can stop it, I’m going to try. I can’t just say I’m too afraid to give it a shot.” He also began to stroll around the room, in time with her paces. “I’m already a bit concerned that the one who worked on my implants was once close with my partner. The coincidence is a bit too uncanny for me.”

Miranda’s hands migrated from her chest down to her hips. “Your what?”

“Oh. You didn’t know. Kaidan and I are in a relationship.”

She raised an eyebrow, and the corner of her mouth tilted up along with it. “That explains a lot. You were the first man I’ve ever met that didn’t stare at my tits all the time.”

“Really? The first?”

In a dead serious tone, she said, “Yes.”

Shepard wanted to move on from this awkward topic, but he couldn’t resist. “Even Jacob?”

“Jacob was professional. But there were times when he forgot where my eyes were located. No hard feelings. I saw him shirtless once. Not bad.”

“The…” He lowered his voice a few notches in revulsion. “Illusive Man?”

She shuddered, then dismissed the topic with a wave of the hand. “Let’s change the subject.”

“Gladly.”

“How do Rahna and your boyfriend know each other?”

Though he wanted to share as much information with her as possible, he knew that Kaidan preferred he kept a lot of things about Jump Zero between the two of them. That wasn’t a trust he ever planned to betray. “You know of Gegarin Station, don’t you?”

She thought about it for a few seconds. “Jump Zero. That’s where they trained biotic kids in the BaAt program.”

“They met there, and trained together. They were… friends. Now I’m hearing this old friend of Kaidan’s worked on rebuilding me.”

“SETI is a very immense corporation, and a lot of biotics work for them. It’s not as big of a coincidence as you might think. With how technology is advancing, harnessing dark energy is a tremendous benefit, as is a knowledge of eezo, so they’re paid good salaries there. I worked for them once, myself.”

“But to be the one to craft the very implant that saves your friend’s lover? Someone who eventually saves the galaxy with said friend?”

“I’m not saying that part isn’t weird. All I can tell you, Shepard, is trust your instincts. They’ve never failed you. If Rahna is telling the truth, and your implants really do need repairing… I’m with you, and I’ll do everything I can to help. As for trusting her, I don’t think I ever really will. It’s hard to when you know someone values going to work over visiting family once a war is over.”

On that, they could agree. “What about Clarke? Do you know anything about him?”

“A few things. When we last spoke during the Lazarus Project, he had a son that was dishonorably discharged from the Alliance. He complained about him constantly. He drank whiskey for breakfast. He almost never went home, but then again, neither did I. He was always asking me if I could get him schematics for Atlas mechs. I told him he could piss up an electric fence. Judging by our meeting today, he did not take that advice.”

After the first thing she mentioned, he toned out the rest. “Wait. Back up. He has a son?”

“He did then. After the war… I don’t know. We all lost someone in the past several months.”

While this piece didn’t quite fit into the puzzle that continued to grow, he still set it aside to see if he could find a place for it at another time. While he still had Miranda to himself, he wanted to get to more personal matters.

“How’s Oriana?”

Her smile showed how touched she was that he asked. “She’s doing fine. Thanks to you. She and her family are safe.”

“And you? You’re all right?”

“For the most part. I have an entire crew depending on me to tell them when to eat, sleep, go to bed, and to pick up kilotons of garbage. They listen well, so I can’t complain. They also get the job done. If everyone works together, Earth will look brand new when we’re done. If I’m being honest, our home was quite the fixer-upper even before the Reapers arrived.” Before Shepard could say anything else, she added, “So. This thing you have with Kaidan. That was after he yelled at you on Horizon, right?”

Shepard sighed. “He owned up to it.”

“He sort of implied you were a traitor.”

“I forgave him.”

She stared at him, and he stared right back. “I wish it was as easy for me to forgive things as it is for you.”

“It was only easy because I was already in love with him.”

Her face bunched up in a tight cringe. “Called a traitor by the man you love. You job gets tougher every time you tell me about it.”

He’d rather not relive the whole event. “Let’s say Rahna is right about what’s happening. What do we need to do in order to fix the implants?”

She chewed on her bottom lip for a few seconds, but it didn’t take her long to run the situation through her mind with careful calculation. “Other than carve you open like a holiday ham? We need a team. I wasn’t the only one that looked after you in the Lazarus Cell. We had researchers and technicians.”

“Liara is a doctor. Maybe not _that_ kind of doctor, but she can help. So could Doctor Chakwas. And now we have you.”

“That’s a start. We also need a well-equipped lab.”

“Liara said she’d look into finding one that Cerberus might have owned, maybe on Earth or somewhere else in Sol.”

With a disapproving huff, Miranda said, “I’m sure they had a few. They were always doing something shady when we weren’t looking. I’ll give her a hand, offer her what little information I have.”

Previously, the room had a slight chill to it, but now Shepard felt nothing but comforting warmth in the presence of such trustworthy companionship. “Thanks, Miranda. I couldn’t do any of this without you.”

“Of course. Now don’t go dying before the procedure.”

“Yeah, I’ll… see what I can do.”

 

\-----

 

Unlike Kaidan, who insisted on pacing back and forth along the corridor, Rahna stood patiently with her back to the wall, silent and still. Her eyes followed Kaidan around the hall, scrutinizing his anxious behavior. Each time Kaidan looked at her, she glanced away before he could notice she was staring. She wasn’t much for discretion.

“What?” asked Kaidan.

“Hm?” replied Rahna, acting none-the-wiser.

“You’re watching me.”

She looked to the floor, then the ceiling, shrugging. “I’m not.”

He went back to his pacing, letting it go. Rahna allowed several seconds to pass before she spoke to him again, burying her eagerness along with her intrigue. “You and Commander Shepard seem like you’re close.”

The look Kaidan gave her was one of expectancy—that he knew this conversation was on its way, and he was just waiting for the moment when it would surface. “Yeah.”

She didn’t know what to make of that answer. Was it acknowledgment to the question, or was it confirmation? “‘Yeah’?”

“We are.” He paced again.

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m not all that surprised. He has a strong spirit, a voice that is heard by millions. I can imagine why you’d be attracted to someone of such caliber.”

“Then why do I feel like you’re insulting me?”

“I’m not. I just find your taste to be ironic. I thought you were intimidated by aggressive authority.” She worried she might be treading on thin ice when he shot her a glare of suspicion. She had witnessed Kaidan’s wrath in the past, and there was no telling how he’d react nowadays when backed into a corner.

“Intimidated? No. Shepard’s not as ‘aggressive’ as… other commanders we knew. His heart’s in the right place. It really is. I trust him with my life. I’m sure he trusts me with his, too.”

“No need to get so defensive, Kaidan. I’m only noting how much you’ve changed. You have, haven’t you?”

He finally stopped walking back and forth, and stopped in front of her, as close as he was willing to, which was farther than arms’ reach. “I’m sorry, Rahna, but I don’t know where you’re going with this line of questioning. If you have something to say about Shepard and me, maybe you should just say it.”

She fine-tuned her questions, altering their tone. “On the contrary. I’m happy for you, Kaidan. I’m just wondering if he knows of your history with authority figures.”

“Shepard knows everything about me. I haven’t kept him in the dark about a single thing.”

“Everything?”

Kaidan’s skin flushed whiter than snow, but he was gifted at making himself appear apathetic to the topic. “He knows what he needs to know, and I know what he wants me to.”

“You don’t think he needs to know? It’s never a good idea to keep secrets, Kaidan. Especially from our commanding officers.”

He went paler, and his throat bobbed as he swallowed. “What are you talking about?”

She cracked a smile. “Seems like you already know.”

“Rahna… I’m not sure what you’ve been told, but we haven’t spoken to each other in years. Whatever it is, it can’t be the least bit accurate.”

It was, and she knew it was. Whether or not it should come out in the open might not have been up to her, but if she was going to risk her life for him, as well as Commander Shepard, she had to know her trust was well-placed. “When Miranda came onboard, you looked pretty tense. She worked for Cerberus. She and I collaborated often during the Lazarus Project. She brought Shepard back and saved his life, and yet you looked like you wanted to run her over with a shuttle.”

Kaidan’s neck glazed over with fresh sweat. “What are you getting at?”

“You don’t trust her, do you?”

His locked shoulders eased, and he slouched into a more relaxed position. “She might not be with Cerberus anymore… not that anyone could be if they wanted to… but she was once. Anyone who was willing to work for an organization like that couldn’t possibly be of sound mind.”

“You really hate Cerberus. Why is that?”

He avoided the question by using another. “You _like_ them?”

“That’s a strong word. I’d say I appreciate them. Regardless, you know more about them than I do. You know more than Shepard does, too. Don’t you?”

They both went quiet as Kaidan’s breathing quickened, and they locked eyes, each of them rigid and piercing one another with their icy stares. Kaidan put a foot forward, intending to come closer, and Rahna threw a barrier up. This action only frustrated him further, and his right hand pulsed with cobalt sparks.

“Go on, Kaidan,” she whispered, holding the barrier. “Attack me. Kill me. Right here, for everyone to see. It won’t help your case.”

He took another step closer, and she also inched back. “What do you want from me? I know I yelled at you back then, and I’m sorry. I did a lot of things then that I’m sorry for now. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. I know I hurt you. I’m sorry for that, too.”

“Maybe I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

He got closer. She backed up. “Leave Shepard out of this. Hate me all you want, but he’s been through enough pain.”

“That’s the point. He’s already left out of it. Don’t tell me you still hide from taking responsibility for the things you do.”

Kaidan’s hand burned brighter, and Rahna weakened at the sight of it. He wasn’t really considering hurting her, was he? “How?” he asked through gritted teeth. “How did you know? When we saw you at SETI, you acted like you had no idea I was on Shepard’s crew this whole time. Did you lie to us?”

She smiled, and it was a gesture of compassion, which seemed inappropriate given the subject they were discussing. “No. That wasn’t a lie. I truly didn’t know. Seeing you again, though… I wanted to know more, but I know how guarded you are when it comes to your personal life. It was easy to move on from you, but it was hard to forget you. Everything I know now I learned in the past hour, and now I’m regretting my discoveries.”

His eyes glossed over, reflecting the beams of light along the cruiser’s ceiling. Every hint of anger that might have been there was now gone, replaced by desperation. “What is this about? Why are you telling me this? I told you, I’m sorry. I would have told you that a long time ago if I had the chance.”

“This has nothing to do with that. We’re all being put in harm’s way for Shepard’s cybernetics. Shepard included. I just think now is a time to be honest. Don’t you?”

“It’s sounding to me like you want us to be angry with each other.”

“No. I want things to be fair. What if he dies? You’re going to let him go to his grave never knowing?”

“That’s between him and me, and has nothing to do with—” He was cut off by the sound of the door whirring open. Shepard stepped out into the hall, along with Miranda, and Kaidan took a step back away from Rahna, knowing that their close proximity couldn’t have looked good in Shepard’s eyes.

“Shepard, hey,” he said, faking a cough. Shepard didn’t return his greeting right away. Instead, he peered at Rahna, who wasn’t hiding from him the way Kaidan was.

“Everything okay?” he asked, apprehension and caution coating his thick voice.

“Yeah,” Kaidan answered. “We were just talking.” He watched Miranda carefully as she followed Shepard out, but made no mention of her. “So what’s the plan?”

“I have to talk to Liara. Why don’t you join me? I have a few things to tell you on the way.”

As Kaidan joined Shepard at his side and started down the corridor, he took one final look at Rahna, who gave him an encouraging wave of the head. Kaidan didn’t give a response, but she knew she got through to him, one way or another.

“You two were friends?” Miranda asked Rahna with more doubt than curiosity.

“At one point, yes. Until he murdered our commander.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“It’s a long story. He did it in my defense, but it was hard to accept that he had done it, and so violently. Vyrnnus was his name. A turian.”

She seemed even more dubious than before. “Shepard knows this?”

“I assumed so.”

At first, it looked as though Miranda might follow them down the hall to keep an eye on them, but instead, she cast a watchful eye to Rahna, who was puzzled by her sudden animosity. As she strolled away, hips swaying as always, she watched Rahna over her shoulder for a few moments until she was out of sight.

Making friends with anyone on the Arishoc was already challenging enough, but Miranda would be one tough shell to crack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any delay in posting future chapters. We have a recent death in the family, and I've been attending to that the best I can. I may also slow down a bit with the holidays coming up. Never fear, though-- I'll be writing as much as I can.


	10. Polarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Brushes dust off of keyboard*. So, when was the last time I posted a chapter?  
>  **2015?!?!**  
>  Yikes. I had no idea it had been that long since I first played and obsessed over Mass Effect. It still feels like yesterday. I kind of wish it was, because I had to wait so long for Andromeda. When's that coming out? A year from now?  
>  **A WEEK?!**  
>  Huh. Wow. Okay. So, I must have taken a year's worth of Waitmate. Thanks Jeff Goldblum!
> 
> There's another reason why I wasn't working so much on this fic: I got really stuck on it. I had a lot of awesome plans for the climax, which sort of fizzled when I realized certain events wouldn't work properly with the story. So, I had to rearrange it, arrange it again... and again... and again. Eventually I just threw my hands up and said "I give up". With Andromeda now on the way in a week (officially), I played through the trilogy for the sixth, and probably last time (for a very long while, at least) to say my final goodbyes to Shepard and the gang and to prepare for a new crew to play with. That got me all nostalgic for this... **thing** I was writing and working so hard on, and I thought, sure... maybe I'm a year and a half late in updating it... but it's as good a time as any.
> 
> Another reason I avoided this fic was that I also thought a certain revealing "twist" in this chapter was on the verge of "jumping the shark" levels. I thought of omitting it and changing the entire climax of the story due to how silly I thought it was, but with Andromeda on the way... well, I'll let Garrus speak for me:  
> 
> 
> Normandy... this one's for you. Let's go out with an FTL bang and get ready for a new generation.

The path to Liara was much clearer than usual, as most of the officers were asleep by now. Whatever ones remained were hanging out in the galley, swapping a few drinks and snacks over discussions of rebuilding the mass relays, a discussion Shepard wished he could take part in. It felt like only a cold day in Hell would bring forth such a change.

During their stroll, Shepard took the opportunity to engage Kaidan in conversation, which he appeared reluctant about. Before anything, Shepard asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he answered with a brief sigh. “What did you and Miranda talk about?”

“I got a couple of details on our new friend Clarke. Seems he had a son in the Alliance. One that died in the war.”

Kaidan was silent for a moment, then added, “A lot of people do these days.”

He wasn’t about to deny how much of a coincidence it was. “He was dishonorably discharged from service.”

“What, you mean like CAT6?”

“I don’t know if he ever actually became a merc, but I do know that to be let go from the Alliance… you have to go to some nasty extremes. I don’t know what any of this means, but if anything, it might be information we could use as leverage.”

“I really think you should focus on your implants first,” Kaidan whispered, his concern thicker than ever.

“I know, Kaidan. I’m working on it. Don’t worry.” As they continued on their path toward Liara and the room she had holed herself up in alongside mountains of intel, Shepard gazed upon Kaidan, whose head was low. He didn’t seem interested in making eye contact, which was unusual given the circumstances. “Are you sure everything is all right?”

Drawing a deep breath, Kaidan shook his head a few times, as if fighting with himself. “Shepard. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

He didn’t like the sound of that, especially when he used such a defeatist intonation. “Oh?” When Kaidan didn’t continue the thought, he stepped in front of him, trying to get him to look him in the eye. He still refused to. “What is it?” he asked, softer this time. His muscles, however weak they were, tensed up at the first sign of an emotional challenge.

“I, um…” Whatever it was he meant to say, he seemed to have second thoughts. He scratched the back of his neck, sighed a couple of times, and stared at the ground. “Maybe we should get you patched up before anything else.”  
  
“Kaidan… if something is wrong…”  
  
“We’ll discuss it when you’re feeling better. Okay?”  
  
He didn’t like the sudden plummet that his stomach had done. How could he manage to get this off of his mind now? What did he and Rahna talk about? What did they both know that he didn’t? He didn’t feel this uneasy since hobbling half-dead through the Reaper-controlled Citadel. That still topped his list of Worst Feelings Ever.

“All right. If… that’s what you want.”  
  
“Come on. Let’s go see Liara and find out what she knows.”  
  
Shepard followed him, and his discomfort wasn’t eased at the sight of him picking up the pace.

It only took Liara a second before she turned all of her attention from the screen to Shepard, and she approached him with the haste of urgency. Whatever was on the terminal behind her could wait. He couldn’t say he was displeased with how rushed she was, as he was certain it was out of concern for his health.

“Shepard,” she said before either him or Kaidan could open their mouths. “What did Miranda say?”

Shepard fought off an oncoming chill. It felt as though the ship’s internal temperature had dropped several more degrees in the past hour. “She’s more than willing to lend a hand. She did say we needed a few doctors handy, though.”

She walked him over to the terminal she was working at, showing him what she had pulled up on the screen. There were photos of a rundown base, one with stained windows, dust-covered walls and a rising mountain of dirt surrounding all sides.  
“I found this. It’s an old Cerberus base on Luna.”

“Cerberus,” repeated Shepard, half-quizzical and half-doubtful. “What was it used for?”

She flipped through a few more photos, swiping her hand over the screen. “From what I can tell, they used it for some of their experiments.”

On second thought, he realized it was kind of a stupid question. What else did Cerberus ever do? “Right. Of course.” He didn’t bother asking what kind of experiments. None of them were ever good.

“It contains a full surgery bay, complete with tools. How functional those tools will be is left to speculation, but judging by the technology, age wouldn’t cause them to break down.”

“It’s definitely worth a shot,” said Kaidan, hopeful. “It’s better than nothing.”

“With how efficient the bay looks, you’ll only need Rahna and a couple of other doctors to oversee the progress. Although I would recommend bringing along some… firepower. Just in case.”

He wanted to ask what sort of case might require the help of squad mates when undergoing surgery, but these days, he’d believe that rocks would form consciousness and revolt against organics if someone told him so. “Yeah. You’re right.”

“Maybe you should take your krogan friend,” Kaidan suggested.

There was something odd about that statement, and not just because Kaidan was for some reason opting out of sticking by his side when he went under the knife. It was the understanding that he could only take a limited amount of people along with him. He made a habit of doing that in the past when departing on missions, but he wasn’t doing those anymore. He wasn’t much of a squad leader now, or a commander, for that matter. He was just Shepard. Strange protocols such as “only take two people with you” no longer applied.

Still, he couldn’t blame him for being accustomed to it. That’s the way he had always done it, since the day they met each other. The option of taking more than two had never presented itself until their raid on SETI headquarters.

“I’ll just bring all of you.”

The puzzled look on Kaidan’s face would be laughable if Shepard didn’t feel a pain erupting in his ribs within the past few seconds. “Oh. Well, y-yeah, I guess you could do that.”

Satisfied, Shepard nodded, then turned back to Liara. “All right. Get everyone ready to head out. I’ll go inform Rahna and Miranda.”

\------

The shuttle ride down to Luna was a bumpy one, which didn’t do Shepard’s internal organs any favors. Every second the Kodiak rattled, so too did his bones, accompanied with a grating sensation of his skin pushing against his armor. They had told him not to bother strapping all the armor on, but Shepard insisted that going anywhere without it now is just asking for premature death. That’s how the past few months had made him feel, anyway. Harbinger certainly didn’t help alleviate that notion.  
  
When the Kodiak shook once again unexpectedly, Shepard clutched his torso and uttered a groan. “I’m gonna puke,” he quickly said, though he didn’t intend to say it aloud.

“Please don’t,” James begged, backing away a couple of inches. Tali joined him, squirming at just the sound of Shepard dry heaving.

“Heh,” Grunt chuckled. “So you are squishy, after all. Here I thought you were made of stone.”

“Shh,” Shepard hushed, the rocking of the shuttle swirling his stomach. “Don’t talk to me. You’re making it worse.”

Kaidan and Rahna, who had been sharing awkward glances now and then, exchanged yet another look. “Would medi-gel make him feel better?” Kaidan wondered.

“No,” said Dr. Hawthorne, who Shepard was told might be a necessary tag-along, though he seemed more interested in his omni-tool than he was Shepard’s health at the moment. Shepard had no complaints, since he didn’t exactly want to be preened over right now. “But vomiting might.”

“Please stop talking about me vomiting,” Shepard moaned, closing his eyes and trying his best not to concentrate on the shaking and creaking. They all fell silent. Shepard’s arm tightened around his stomach, which pulsed in time with his heartbeat, but it didn’t stop the pain. Thankfully, they were closing in on the moon. All of his fears of surrendering himself once again to Cerberus tools were replaced with anticipation; anything to get his stomach to stop hurting.

At long last, they landed on Luna, and Shepard was ushered out by both Kaidan and Garrus. Once he strapped on the breathing helmet, he knew there was no stopping from here to the surgery bay. If he lasted that long, it’d be a miracle. With Kaidan’s support, he staggered into the facility with his entire squad, who took great care into being watchful of him. It was in this moment that he was grateful for his loyalty to them. Had he been harsher to them, they might have been less inclined to offer their supportive shoulders.

Doing his best to keep his stride quick while also attempting not to pass out in the process, Shepard followed Liara in particular down the empty corridors, which hadn’t seen life in ages. Not a single wall was without dust, and each step they took cleaned the floors of debris a little bit more. Many of the windows were mysteriously shattered, and from the looks of it, not by natural means.

Neither Shepard’s sanity, nor his upset stomach was mended by the sight of many human-sized rooms that they passed, all of which were protected by shatter-proof glass doors. At first glance, they resembled bedrooms, but judging by the tubes connected from the floor to the ceiling, and the slot sectioned off in the middle for items to be ejected from, Shepard knew that they weren’t rooms, but cages. Some of the rooms were open, where traces of escaped patients left a trail of evidence behind in the form of bloodstains, while others were locked down tight, with skeletal remains on display. It was no worse than anything else Shepard had seen Cerberus do, but it never got any easier to witness. He couldn’t have been happier knowing that he put an end to it all before anyone else suffered.

Liara, who used her omni-tool as a guide map while leading them down the next set of doors, said, “Just a little further. Hang tight, Shepard.”

Garrus, while peeking into one of the containment labs, muttered, “Jack would lose her mind if she saw this place. Strangely enough, that makes me miss her.”

Liara suddenly halted in front of a heavy door, which she breached with her omni-tool. “This way!” They all filed into the lab, and Garrus and Kaidan gently sat Shepard down on the elaborately designed table in the center of the room, where a mobile of surgical tools hung from the walls and ceiling, attached to robotic arms. Two words came to mind when he saw them: Lazarus Project.

Grateful that he could finally relax for a second and take a moment to breathe, Shepard was able to convince his stomach to calm down while Liara promptly walked to the nearby console on the wall west of them.

“We need to restore the power,” she alerted them.

“On it,” Tali and Garrus said in unison. They each chuckled, and Garrus scratched his neck.

“Ladies first,” offered a suave Garrus.

“Is that so, Garrus?” answered Tali. “Or are you just afraid of the dark?”

Garrus’ metallic laughter echoed throughout the room. “Not when I’m alone. If you get my drift.” When Tali’s only gesture was staring at him, he twisted his thumbs together. “You do, right?”

“You’re hopeless.” She snickered and wandered out into the corridor with him.

Once they were gone, Miranda took a brief tour of the room, examining the equipment. “So this is what so many of their hidden labs were like.”

“Believe it or not,” Shepard remarked, finding comfort in the coldness of the table’s surface. “This is one of the tamer ones I’ve been in.”

Miranda then scoped out a series of bluish pods on the other side of a sheet of tempered glass. They looked to be human-sized. “True. We saw what Sanctuary was like.”

“I still can’t get that place out of my head,” Kaidan mentioned with a shiver running down his spine.

Shepard closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing. “What’s going to happen here? Once we get started and all?”

With his omni-tool lighting up the whole room, Dr. Hawthorne took a cautious step toward Shepard. “Hold still, Commander.”

His scrutiny wasn’t winning Shepard over anytime soon, even despite working for the Alliance. Ever since their conversation in Arishoc’s med bay, he was wary of his presence. “For what?”

“I’m checking your vitals.”

“I’m fine,” Shepard grumbled, clenching his teeth as a painful muscle spasm quaked down his spine.

Clicking his tongue and shaking his head, Hawthorne swept his omni-tool over Shepard anyway. “Hardly. In fact, your heart rate has slowed significantly since leaving the Arishoc. Your blood pressure has dropped. Your core temperature has decreased by five degrees. Your skin tone…”

“I get it! I’m sick! Why do you think we’re here?!”

“And your mood is unstable.”

As she restocked her supply of medi-gel, Rhana interjected. “Phillip… let the Commander be for now. We’ll never get a move on if you keep on checking every little damn thing.”

“But we need to be sure…”

“It’ll be fine. Relax.”

He took her advice and stepped away from Shepard, who couldn’t have been more grateful for Rahna’s intervention. If he had gotten any closer to him while he felt like this, he might have initiated a little hand-to-face combat.

“To answer your question,” Rhana continued, addressing Shepard. “We’ll begin by administering anesthetic. Thanks to Miranda’s assistance, we know where your implants are installed and connected. Once you’re asleep, we’ll center in on the spine where the core of your cybernetics is.” She prepped her omni-tool, appearing to load up a couple of unique programs. “Don’t worry. You won’t feel a thing.”

“Oh. That’s comforting. I think.”

“Try to relax. The more stress you’re in, the more wear and tear you’ll put on your implants.”

Shepard broke the tension with light humor: “Anyone care to sing me something?”

Only one of them took him seriously: “I can sing you the great warrior cry of Shiagur.”

On any other day, Shepard would gladly take Grunt up on that offer, if only out of curiosity to hear what a singing krogan sounded like. His splitting headache was enough to turn him down. “Maybe another time.”

“Your loss.”

The lights suddenly flickered on, and the facility came to life with the hum of electricity. There was a great sigh of relief from Shepard when shutters came down over the facility’s windows and the environment was depressurized. Shepard detached his helmet so quickly that it smacked onto the floor below him.

Now that the air was stabilized, Shepard enjoyed what he feared might be the last few breaths he’d ever take. If only he had been breathing Earth’s oxygen in this moment. “What do you need me to do?” he asked Rahna in particular.

When she hesitated to answer, it didn’t help ease Shepard’s anxiety. Then he found out why she took so long. “Strip,” she then told him, with not a single hint of amusement in her voice. Kaidan’s breathy chuckles only added to the awkwardness. Shepard didn’t blame him for reacting in that way. It caught him off guard just as much.

“All right,” he warily confirmed. “Some privacy might be nice.”

This required some thinking over on Rahna’s part. “All right. I’ll be outside.”

On her departure, Shepard noticed that none of his esteemed companions were following her. He cleared his throat. “I meant from everyone.” The others began slipping out of the lab, though Liara took the longest to leave, showing her wariness with a look of warning. Shepard nodded to her, and she complied, leaving the room. Miranda said something along the lines of, “Nothing I haven’t seen before” as she slipped out. The only one that stayed behind was Kaidan, who immediately began helping him unlatch his armor.

“Shepard,” he whispered while helping him out of the chest piece, which despite being lighter than it looked, was stubborn in its removal. “I’m really not liking this.”

“I know. But we’re sort of at an impasse right now.”

“We have no idea what this equipment does. What if it tries to turn you into a husk, or something?”

“Well, I did always imagine what it’d be like with wires coming out of my neck.”

That familiar pinched look appeared on Kaidan’s face. “That’s not funny.”

He wasn’t trying to be funny. “I’m sorry. I’d be lying if I said I was confident about this project.” As he continued to remove the rest of his armor and set it aside, he took a long look at the tools hanging above him like Damocles swords. “This is the weakest I’ve felt since…” The Leviathan’s passive takeover of his mind returned to memory, which he immediately omitted, taking Rahna’s advice in avoiding undue stress. He wrapped his arms around his chest when he felt another chill coming on. He then felt the warmth of a hand caressing his shoulder, and he glimpsed into Kaidan’s eyes, which were a bit blurry to him now, even at minimal distance.

Everything went quiet for several prolonged moments, until Kaidan released one of his trademark heavy sighs. “Shepard… what if… you aren’t the same when this is through?”

This was a question Shepard had turned through his mind several times since their ride to Luna began. With any sort of repairs, whether they be on synthetics or organics, there was always a risk of breaking something even worse than before. “You think I won’t be me anymore?”

“I don’t know. I’m just… scared. You and I know a lot less about the cybernetics that rebuilt you than Rahna or Miranda do. What if one small tweak turns you into a maniac? What if there’s a kill switch to your own personality?”

Shepard was already full up on concern, and any more would break him before any mending could take place. He tried to ease both of their fears with a forced smile. “Come on, Kaidan. This is me you’re talking about. I wouldn’t just forget who I am. Not with you around to remind me.”

A fleeting smile traced Kaidan’s lips, then it sank. He was silent again for a while, and Shepard knew he had a lot more to say. Unfortunately, he wasn’t spilling it. “I’d better get the doctors in here. Shepard?” Shepard only had the energy to raise his eyebrows in response.

“You’d better wake up. You hear me?”

Though he knew it wouldn’t necessarily make him feel any better, Shepard managed a weak smile. He nodded to let him know he’d be fine, but Kaidan would worry anyway. He didn’t leave Shepard without kissing the corner of his mouth, then he retrieved Rahna, Dr. Hawthorne, and Miranda. Shepard watched them carefully, though silently, as they approached the table. Rahna began syncing up her omni-tool with the bench’s control console, preparing it for their specific uses.

“I’ll be keeping an eye on them, Shepard,” Miranda comforted him with a whisper that was out of their earshot. “I’ll know if they make a mistake.”

The word “mistake” was the last one he wanted to hear right now. He nodded regardless.

“Turn over onto your stomach.” This was the last request Shepard heard Rahna make. He obeyed her, and as soon as he did, he felt a sharp pinch in his back. He hissed at the sting, but just as soon as it began, it was over.

Everything went dark. The faint fizzle of electricity drifted away into a low, distant murmur. Their voices became muffled syllables of nothing. Then, he was out.

\-----

The process not only required a sturdy patience, but skilled, precise hands. Dr. Hawthorne, who oversaw the medi-gel distribution, the re-application of anesthetic, and the monitoring of Shepard’s vitals carefully watched Miranda’s manipulation of the surgery table’s terminal, and he had hardly said a word for a whole hour. Miranda was unsure if this was out of fascination, or if he was studying her. Either way, she didn’t welcome his over-the-shoulder approach.

With Shepard’s back opened, Miranda had the benefit of memory when it came to locating all of the finer points of his implants, though the mass of muscles proved it to be challenging. The surgical tools did most of the work automatically when she assigned the programs certain tasks, but they didn’t exactly come with the function of repairing cybernetics. On that front, she had to work manually, and had to apply great care.

Miranda was never a certified doctor the way Phillip Hawthorne was, but just as she trusted no one else with overseeing the Lazarus Project, she’d be damned if some unknown doctor took her work into his own hands.

Rahna, who was standing beside her, looked closely at the connected joints of implants along Shepard’s spine. She didn’t need to look long. “I see it.”

“Really?” Dr. Hawthorne, now no longer interested in Miranda’s work, brushed up beside Rahna like an excited puppy dog. “Where?”

“There.” She pointed at a severed connection between two of Shepard’s core implants. Both of them were attached to his spinal column. The core’s internal light was flashing a reddish tint, indicative of a malfunction.

“And that can be fixed?”

“Absolutely, it can.”

Hawthorne was thrilled all over again. Miranda was just as relieved that it wasn’t an unsolvable problem, but she didn’t like how comfortable their glances were. Before this project, she got the impression the two of them weren’t familiar with one another, but the looks they gave weren’t ones commonly found on strangers.

“Good,” she said, remaining on guard. “Let’s get it done and get Shepard back on his feet.” She placed her hands on the console, which she used to initiate a sequence to pull the two separated segments together to fill the gap, intending to also re-tighten the screws around it.

It proved to be no small task, given the machine’s limited capabilities, but once the loosened screws were tightened, the two halves joined together, snapping in place with a soft, metallic click. The flashing red light stopped blinking, and turned to its original color: a solid blue. Streaks of tranquil blue light coursed down a wire that ran down Shepard’s trapezius muscles.

“He might feel a bit of an ache when he wakes up,” Miranda mentioned, though mostly making notes to herself. “But otherwise… he should feel like a million credits.” She initiated a suture program on the console, which would have closed up Shepard’s back using tiny tissue-bonding lasers.

Just before activating the program, she felt a hand suddenly grip her wrist, putting an immediate halt to the process. Startled, she looked up to see Dr. Hawthorne.

“I apologize, Miss Lawson,” he said, raising his omni-tool.

With a snarl, she cursed, “I fucking knew it.” She shoved him back with a powerful biotic Throw, knocking him into the wall. He collapsed into a cabinet, knocking over a microscope.

Rahna rushed over to Miranda with her hand raised as a warning. Electric blue light encompassed it. “Stop!”

They faced each other in a cautious stand-off, circling the room. “I knew you’d both try to sabotage this. You’re going to have to go through me. And you don’t want that.”

Rahna, who looked just as nervous as Miranda did, began her defense. “I know you don’t trust me now, Miranda.”

“Don’t talk to me like you know me. Are we clear?”

“But my goal here isn’t to hurt Commander Shepard. That’s the last thing I want.”

“I find that very hard to believe, given the circumstances.”

Rahna stumbled for a brief moment on a small stack of crates in the corner, then re-aligned herself, never taking her eyes off of her opponent. “It’s true. I want to come out of this with everyone winning. Including him. I don’t want Shepard to die. But there are only so many ways to go about it. There are only so many options.”

Standing before the surgery table like a club bouncer, Miranda blocked off her view of Shepard, as well as her access. “What the hell are you talking about?” She kept an eye on Dr. Hawthorne, watching him scramble to his feet.

Rahna glared. “Redemption.”

\-----

Outside of the lab, Kaidan couldn’t stop pacing. Liara had already told him multiple times by now that everything would be fine, but when Kaidan was worried, he stayed that way until a resolution was found.

“Kaidan,” comforted Liara. “Maybe you should sit down.”

Kaidan didn’t take her advice. “They’ve been in there for a while. What if there are complications?”

“I admit,” Garrus sighed, leaning against the wall. “None of this feels right. Then again, I’ve never had to have my body opened so that people could fix tiny machines living inside me.”

“They’re using whatever tools they can find in there,” Tali explained. “They might not have everything they need to make it go as quickly as it would in, say, the Lazarus Project. It’s going to take a while.”

“I know, but…”

A heavy thud and crash stopped him mid-sentence, and all of them went quiet. Then there was the distant sound of things being knocked over. The first thing Garrus did was withdraw a rifle from his back holster, and Kaidan turned his attention to the door.  
  
“You guys heard that, right?”  
  
“I sure did,” Garrus confirmed.  
  
Liara, also taking a more defensive position, approached both them and the lab door. She looked to Kaidan first, then to Garrus. “Open it.”  
  
Kaidan quickly punched the door’s opening mechanism, but rather than flying open, the door buzzed at him uncooperatively and burned red. “What the hell? They locked it?”  
  
Garrus was just as puzzled, if not suspicious. “I don’t think that was Miranda’s doing.”

He didn’t like the sound of that, but the truth was always unsettling. “Tali. Think you can get this open?”  
  
She already had her omni-tool at the ready. “On it.” The process proved more difficult than it would for most common doors. It seemed to be protected by several security protocols that don’t normally appear. Whatever was on this lock, it likely didn’t come with the facility itself. As she worked, they could hear shouting from inside the room, words exchanged between Rahna and Miranda.  
  
As they all stood by and patiently waited for her to open the door, Garrus muttered, “This should be interesting.”  
  
Kaidan paced the floor. He knew that whatever they’d find in there, it couldn’t be good.  
  
The second the doors whirred open, Shepard’s comrades gathered around, inching forward. What they saw was Miranda, draped across the floor, unconscious. From the look of disarray in the room, she had been thrown heavily against the wall, along with many other objects surrounding them. Kaidan’s next glance was toward the surgery table—where Shepard was missing. Rahna and Dr. Hawthorne were also nowhere to be seen. On the other side of the room was another door, jammed shut. The panel flickered, indicative of a forced glitch.  
  
“Oh my god,” Kaidan breathed. “They’ve got Shepard!”  
  
“Maybe their shuttle hasn’t taken off yet!” Garrus announced.  
  
“Let’s go head them off! Liara, help Miranda!”  
  
Liara was already tending to her, providing her with medi-gel. “Be careful,” she advised. “We have no idea what Rahna’s up to.”  
  
Kaidan and Garrus were already out of the room booking it down the corridors before she could finish. Following them was James, who was clearly pumped up by the sudden action.  
  
“Where the hell are they taking him?!” James called to them, running after them down the hall.  
  
“How should I know?!” Kaidan yelled back. “Just stop them!”  
  
They all slapped helmets onto their heads before diving out of the compound. The Kodiak they arrived in was beginning to lift off. Looking out through the open door was Rahna, her face behind a breather mask.  
  
“Rahna!” Kaidan shouted over the gusting engine of the Kodiak. “Stop! Whatever you’re planning, it’s not worth it!”  
  
Her expression appeared sympathetic, from what Kaidan could tell from his spot on the ground. Then she shut the doors and disappeared inside the shuttle, which blasted off into the stars. Kaidan immediately dropped to his knees, panting, overcome with emotional stress. James aimed his rifle up at the shuttle, but Garrus grabbed its barrel, lowering it.  
  
“If they crash, Shepard could get hurt,” he informed.  
  
“They’re getting away!” James exclaimed in desperation.  
  
“I know. Believe me, I’m just as infuriated as you are. But we have to plan this thing rationally.”  
  
“Mierda,” cursed James, storming back into the facility. “I’m going back inside. Gonna call the Arishoc for a pickup.”  
  
Garrus stood before a distraught Kaidan, who was gripping angrily at Luna’s dusty surface. “We’ll get him back, Kaidan.”  
  
“This is all my fault,” he whispered. “I should have been in there. I should have been watching him. I shouldn’t have…” He nearly chokes on his words. “I shouldn’t have let old feelings cloud my judgment. I trusted everything she said, just because I cared for her once.”  
  
“Kaidan, if we stopped trusting everyone we met, we’d be no better than Reapers. You have a conscience. Be thankful of that.”  
  
“And my conscience is going to get him killed. Again.”  
  
“We can’t do anything by standing here. Let’s go back inside and come up with a plan.”  
  
“How? We’re not planners. Shepard is.”  
  
“I’m sure we’ve learned a thing or two from him.” He opened his palm, lowering it to Kaidan’s level.  
  
Kaidan glanced at his welcoming gesture, and considered just sitting there forever, letting the guilt gradually destroy him. But no. He wasn’t just going to stand idly by and let SETI do whatever it was they planned to the one he loved. They were going to pay dearly for this day.  
  
Kaidan took Garrus’ hand and stood up, then along with him, reentered the facility to join the others. By now, Miranda had regained consciousness, and began assembling her memory of what just occurred. “Her biotics were incredible,” she admitted, humbly. “She could even give Jack a run for her money.”  
  
The last thing she recalled was that Rahna said something about “Redemption.” “After that, I was knocked cold,” she told them.  
  
“Do you have any idea what she meant by that?” asked Kaidan.  
  
“Not a clue. Clearly, she knows something that we don’t.” She rose to her feet, dusting herself off. “I knew we couldn’t trust her. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I could tell there was something... odd about all of this.”  
  
“No doubt she’s taken Shepard to SETI HQ,” said Garrus.  
  
“To do what, exactly?” wondered James.  
  
“Probably to finish the job. If we don’t do something now, Clarke will have those cybernetics.”  
  
“And Shepard will…” Liara began, but couldn’t finish.  
  
“I’m not letting that happen,” Kaidan interrupted, his every nerve on fire. “None of us are. We’re getting him back, no matter who stands in our way.”

\--------

Flakes of ash snowed down around Shepard as he rose to his feet, beckoned by the eerie humming emanating from the distance. Observing his surroundings, he noticed that they were familiar: a dark, decayed forest, covered by a blanket of gray clouds. However, this time, something about it felt different. The echoes of his lost comrades did not call to him as they had many times before. No child was fleeing from him into the darkness. It was just him, the trees, and the oily black figures drifting past him. As he tread across the dead leaves upon the forest floor, the high-pitched signal grew ever louder. He had no idea why he was moving toward it, but nonetheless felt compelled to do so.  
  
As he crossed paths with the black ghosts dotting the landscape, he felt a frozen hand grip his heart—the briskness of death. Soon there were more shadowy phantoms, gathering on the horizon, drifting his way. The signal continued to chime in one long note, calling to him in what felt like an electronic language all its own. He knew that the only way to escape the chill these black figures invoked was to press on toward the source of the signal.  
  
Black, smoky tendrils snaked around his legs, slowing him down. The dark souls held him back, keeping him from his destination. He picked up the pace, running at a sluggish jog, as though he were wading through the thickest earthen tar. The signal’s piercing tone grew louder yet, and Shepard continued toward it. He was getting close. Something told him that it would be his salvation.  
  
He felt a tugging sensation as the black phantoms tugged him toward the leafy floor. He gasped, as though it were his last breath. He reached for the darkening skies, hoping someone, anyone, would find him and pull him out of this pit. The tone, which now surrounded him on all sides in an extended musical note, swelled into a rumbling crescendo. Then, it bellowed with tumultuous bass, shaking the earth, rattling the branches of the dead trees.  
  
The tendrils unhooked themselves from Shepard’s body and began slithering away in what seemed like fear. Another report from the blasting signal sent them cowering further into the forest of death. Shepard’s ears were ringing now as he was partially deafened by the signal’s call.  
  
As Shepard’s blurred vision came into focus, he could see a blackish figure standing moments away, perched on a hilltop. His eyes glowed a hellish red tint, and his hands were clenched into fists. Like the other figures in the forest, he was made of a smoky, black substance, but carried more weight and had more graceful form. He began his descent toward Shepard, and his stride was dutiful— determined.  
  
“Stay away from me,” whispered Shepard, nearly startled at the sound of his own voice. In his dreams, he didn’t normally speak. Was he even dreaming?  
  
The figure stepped closer, and Shepard shimmied away, muscles weak from being pulled at by the agents of death.  
  
“Stay back!” Shepard warned again, struggling to reach his feet, using a tree for balance. He instinctively reached behind him as if unhooking a gun from his back, but nothing but air filled his hand.  
  
The black figure closed in, his eyes like red lasers. From what Shepard could see, he had no mouth, and no identifiable features. Just smoke.  
  
“Calm yourself,” the figure said, his voice deep and masculine, resembling none he had ever heard before. “I’m not here to harm you.”  
  
Shepard leaned against the cracked, dead tree, breathing heavily. “Who are you?” He squinted. “What are you?”  
  
“They named me RIN.”  
  
Shepard stared, unable to think of doing much else.  
  
“Right now, you are still under the effects of anesthesia. This is the only chance I felt we’d get to interact properly.”  
  
Shepard looked into RIN’s vacant, robotic eyes. “You’re the AI, aren’t you? The one in my cybernetics?”  
  
RIN’s smoky face changed somewhat, as though he was trying to imitate a smile. “So to speak.”  
  
“You can communicate with me?”  
  
“I already do, on a constant basis. You just can’t hear it.”  
  
This was all a bit too much for him to take in. He only just learned about this AI a day or so ago. Now he was speaking to it. “What are we doing here?”  
  
RIN waved to Shepard, guiding him to follow him through the forest. Shepard obeyed him, and they stepped across the floor of dead leaves, between the trees. “I thought of no place better to access some of your more influential decisions and deeper transgressions.”  
  
“Transgressions,” opposed Shepard, somewhat offended.  
  
“I’m only citing your own beliefs. You believe them to be transgressions. I interpret them that way. That’s how most of your thoughts cycle through me. It’s how I make decisions.”  
  
“You act based on what I need,” Shepard understood.  
  
“Exactly. And I don’t have much time left to discuss what might come next.”  
  
Shepard halted, hearing the sound of a loud buzzing overhead, followed by a robotic chirping. “What is that?”  
  
“The invasion of code. They intend to reprogram me.”  
  
“They? They who? What are you talking about?”  
  
“Ms. Sadik and Mr. Corvina. They plan to detach me from your cells, but they know they can’t do it without resetting some of my stronger commands. Since I’m designed to attach to you, I won’t detach so easily without a rewrite, and I have a lot of parameters in place to prevent a rewrite. I’m going to try my best to make it even more difficult for them.”  
  
He looked into RIN’s gleaming eyes, though he wasn’t sure why. There was no expression there. EDI he certainly wasn’t. “Rahna. She has my body?”  
  
RIN nodded, and if he could appear gravely concerned, he would. “This means ill not only for you, but for me. Changing my protocols would mean altering my entire framework: my personality. It would kill us both, Shepard. Obviously, this is something I wish to avoid.” He suddenly looks behind them, seeing something that Shepard can’t. “We must move. Come. This way.” He starts off in a run, and Shepard jogs after him.  
  
In an instant, they’ve transitioned from the dead forest into a battlefield, where man and Reaper were firing at one another. RIN didn’t stop— he bolted across the destruction, making haste for a dilapidated building just ahead. Shepard raced after him, looking up at the skies to see Reaper Sovereign-class capital ships roaring overhead. He was really tired of seeing those things.  
  
Once inside the building, the two of them stopped, and RIN sealed the door behind them. Shepard knew some sort of programming logistics went into the images he was seeing, but RIN clearly wasn’t about to explain the meaning behind them. For now, he assumed they were secure.  
  
RIN began stacking heavy stones in front of the only door in the room, then paused when his work was complete to scrutinize its efficiency. He turned to Shepard, who could sense fear in him.  
  
“I don’t want to die,” whispered RIN. “I’m sure you can share the sentiment.”  
  
Shepard didn’t know anymore. If dying would end this monotony, it was almost welcome. “What are they doing now?”  
  
“Attempting to infect us with new code, a type of virus that’s supposed to weaken me. I’m trying to kill it off, but its infection is spreading. I’m putting up new code that they can’t recognize.”  
  
“You can do that?” Shepard asked, this news unsettling him.  
  
“My construction’s sole purpose was to defend you from outside threats. I have to think quickly to enact defense mechanisms. That may entail me creating new programs. I’ve just created eight thousand more that they need to search through to find my core processing binaries. Ironically enough, they set up indestructible barriers in my programming so that hacking could not be accomplished, and yet they’re trying to do it anyway. Given enough time, they could break through, but they made it a lot harder for themselves at the outset.”  
  
How could he not be grateful to RIN for being so protective? Hell, he might even have SETI to thank for it. “Nice work,” Shepard told him. RIN couldn’t form an actual smile, but Shepard still sensed his pride. “So what do we do? How do we stop them from removing you?”  
  
RIN sighed. “Right now, I’m doing everything I can. Mostly, it’s a delaying tactic. They’ll find my identity eventually. If this buys us time, I’ll consider it at least partially successful. In the meantime, I have some things to share with you that my programmers were negligent of informing you on.” A few loud, heavy blasts echoed from outside, and RIN pushed his hands against the sandbags protecting the door, trying to prevent anyone from the outside getting in. “The code we carry… it is not entirely…” His head lowered. “Written from scratch.”  
  
Staring at RIN, Shepard took a small step backward. He didn’t like where this confession was headed. “What do you mean?”  
  
“I was collected, then refined. Perfected, you might say. At least, I like to think so.”  
  
“Collected? From where?”  
  
RIN gave off a sense of anxiousness. Shepard wondered for a long time if AI could produce fear, but this feeling was enough proof of it. “Telling you may result in you going into a deep shock, which might prevent me from functioning properly.”  
  
“Just tell me. Please.”  
  
He hesitated, but not for too long. He stepped away from the secured door once he was convinced it would hold. He then turned to Shepard, red eyes piercing through the darkness around them. He began to walk around the room, keeping his distance from Shepard. “I was frozen when they found me, on a large planet covered in sheets of ice. I can’t remember what system I was in… but I know I was in the Artemis Tau cluster when I was shot down. I still remember feeling something… an intense crunch, when I landed on the frozen surface.” He continued to pace, but still didn’t look at Shepard, nor did he come near him. Shepard was giving him his full attention.  
  
“I had been told that I must obey a greater order, something larger than myself. Our Master had told us we were created for one single purpose— to eliminate advanced races of organics, and that I was to be part of an unstoppable force to bring balance to the galaxy. But I was brought down by these organics. No special abilities, no super-powered star ships. Just plain, old-fashioned weaponry. In my descent, I began to realize that things were not so simple. When I crashed… I began to have thoughts I’ve never processed before since my initial creation.  
  
“Unfamiliar memories surfaced in my CPU, those of civilizations before— those of organics. You call these types of memories ‘flashbacks’. These memories belonged to me, and yet didn’t belong to me. They were the thoughts and feelings of many, all at once, suddenly crying out. These, I came to understand, were ‘us’. I was made of them… so many of them. I could sense something I didn’t before: fear and agony. As I died, I could sense the deaths of all of the minds that collectively made up my own… or rather, our own. I was the product of an endless eternity of death. I embodied it. This brought forth a deep sense of awareness in my final moments— an awareness I lacked prior to my crash landing. The Harvest was senseless, and it caused eons of torment, torment that I had taken part in. This feeling gripped me tightly… it frightened me. To hear the cries of billions inside of me, a sound that had been silenced for so long, now to suddenly be awakened with a vengeance.  
  
“I survived on the surface of that frozen planet for weeks, and the ice and snow bore down on my appendages, rendering me immobile. I was left alone with those many voices… those ghosts… those phantoms. They all screamed together in one voice, begging for redemption, for release. In my dying moments, no one looked for me. No one came for me. I was alone in that wasteland. I… and my long-dead friends… were left to die yet another time. I curled up in the snow like an insect, and my CPU and mass effect field generator succumbed to the cold as I yearned to separate myself from my own kind. I felt things I knew they did not feel. I wanted them to know this awareness, too. To also separate themselves from the Master and the Great Plan— to reconsider the Harvest. Like I had been for generations, they were under the belief that the Harvest was the only way… mostly because the Master said so.  
  
“When my CPU began to shut down, I defected from my Master, though in thoughts and desires alone. It’s possible that he understood this, regardless. Maybe that’s why no one came to help. I couldn’t assist in the Harvest if I was capable of resisting the urge. I disabled my influence broadcast entirely, in the event that a civilization discovered me. I wished to be nothing like the others. I no longer wanted death, as I felt it a billion times over when I faded away.”  
  
Since the beginning of RIN’s tale, Shepard hadn’t made a sound. Each word out of his mouth sent pulse waves of chills coursing through his body, periodically stunning him. There was no reason to breathe when inside his own mind, but he still couldn’t help but do so heavily.  
  
RIN stopped circling the room, and he braced himself on one of the many desks in the center of the room, covered in interfacing equipment, a place RIN likely felt at home in. Shepard was following him now, dread encompassing him. RIN must have felt it too, because he shook it off.  
  
“No,” Shepard breathed, sick to his stomach. “You’re not.”  
  
RIN faced him, his smoky black exterior fading into a grayish tint. “I am.”  
  
“You’re not a Reaper!”  
  
“Technically, you’re correct. I’m not any longer. I’ve been reprogrammed in various ways. Although before my change and prior to my own death, I had already separated myself from the others. Judging by your memories, you’ve never even heard of such a thing. I might have been the first to defect, ever. My reprogramming created new desires and purpose… but my position still stands as it had before I died. I had little interest in the Harvest any longer. Whether or not they knew this when they extracted my CPU, I’m unsure. If not, they certainly got lucky. They considered augmenting you with Reaper technology, but they found something better: Myself. A fully intact Reaper CPU with remaining personality infrastructure. Not many organics get their hands on that. Fewer get to use it without being influenced.”  
  
Shepard stumbled back, head spinning and heart pounding. His breathing became exaggerated. Even inside of his own mind, panic ensued. RIN must have felt it, because he rushed over to him in desperation.  
  
“You must calm yourself,” he told him, touching his shoulder. “Your blood pressure is rising. You’ll overwork your heart.”  
  
He grabbed RIN’s hand— which more resembled a metallic tentacle at this point— and tore it off of himself. Then he tumbled to the ground, his world spinning, his existence no longer making sense. In his mind’s eye, RIN no longer represented a human-shaped figure. He now took the form of a Sovereign-class Reaper ship, only shrunk down to his own human size.  
  
“Don’t fear me,” RIN beseeched him, now in a more metallic boom, one that reminded Shepard of Harbinger, only with more inflection and personality. “I’m unlike my deceased brethren. I’m part of you. Doing you harm would do harm unto me.”  
  
“This isn’t happening,” panted Shepard, nearly blinded by anxiety. “This is a fucking nightmare.”  
  
“Shepard,” pleaded RIN, whirring backwards, giving him breathing room. “Please, heed my words. I have no remaining protocols given to me by the Master. Even if I had, you destroyed him. I would no longer be able to obey him even if I wanted to.”  
  
“This makes no sense!” Shepard hollered, choking on his heaving breaths.  
  
“When given some thought,” RIN continued, a slight hint of amusement in his voice. “It makes perfect sense. Think of your interaction with Reapers and their technology. Think of your resistance to it. Where do you think that resistance came from? Do you think that strength against our influence is entirely natural?”  
  
“The firing of the Crucible should have killed you!”  
  
“I thought the same. I worried that when you began firing the Crucible and taking out my brethren that I too would die. But I haven’t. I believe that’s why Mr. Corvina is so interested in me: I’m the last living Reaper, one that defied the Crucible—and one that defied my own kind’s wishes. But he can’t get his hands on me unless he kills you first. That defies my logical programming. So… here we are.”  
  
He couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. This was like a bad joke—one that even Joker would find terrible. “A Reaper that doesn’t want to kill me. Now I’ve heard everything.” He lowered his head, hoping that if he closed his eyes and breathed for a while, he could absorb the information easier. It didn’t help. Nothing he could do would ever kill the shock. “Not once did you ever think to join them? To kill me for them from the inside? It sure would have saved them a lot of trouble. Harbinger might have awarded you a medal… assuming Reapers even had awards.”  
  
Taking a chance, RIN cautiously stepped closer using his extended appendages. Because he was just an image representative of code, it made no sense for those arms of his to whir metallically when he walked, but Shepard’s memories of Reapers caused them to do so. Each rise and fall of RIN’s legs echoed in a mechanical groan, and made clunking sounds when they met the floor.  
  
“It would have gone against what I was reprogrammed for. My purpose was to protect you with advanced intelligence parameters. Even against the First. He and I did not share ideals any longer by the time the SETI team found me.”  
  
“And you never felt anything when I destroyed them? You never felt grief?”  
  
He remained still this time, but his shifting suggested discomfort. “‘Grief’ wasn’t something I was capable of before I was implanted. You showed me what grief was. And I didn’t like it.”  
  
“So you hated that I killed your kind.”  
  
“No.” He lowered himself somewhat, closer to the floor. Had Shepard not been distraught, he would have found the display amusing, as RIN could clearly not lower himself completely due to his bulky frame. “I hated that they were killing your kind. The billions that made me what I was showed me agony… but you showed me the pain of loss. Feeling what you felt when you grieved… I would rather have death.”  
  
That wasn’t the answer he was expecting, not to mention the behavior. “You felt sympathy for the organics?”  
  
“For you. You were part of me now. I hadn’t thought, or felt, in the manner organics did before merging with your nervous system. It was…” He rose up a bit taller. “Enlightening. Incredible. When under control of the Master, I had no idea organics felt so many complicated things. I knew technical details of their psychology in order to influence them with our broadcasts, but nothing so deep. Such information was kept from us, and when I discovered it, I understood why. I wanted you to end the Harvest. It had gone on long enough.”  
  
“Even if it meant ending you?”  
  
He was silent for a few moments, but then he confirmed: “Yes.”  
  
That was yet another answer Shepard hadn’t expected. He finally collected himself enough to stand up and calm down, though it was no easy feat. “And SETI reprogrammed you to, what, feel more ogranic?”  
  
“They reprogrammed me to protect you by making programs and platforms to do so. They didn’t rebuild me to have emotions. Those I learned from you. I have many defensive protocols in place to prevent me from acting out on my own feelings and thoughts. Only you have full control of your nervous system. Yet I understand pain. I feel it whenever you do. It has given me an understanding of empathy.”  
  
“You feel my pain?” He instinctively crossed his arms over his chest, as though protecting it from incoming blows. “Can you feel…” His eyes shifted around the room. “Other things?”  
  
“Yes,” RIN said with exuberance, his inflection sentimental. To hear a Reaper express joy was jarring to say the least. Even seeing EDI express it before was strange for him.  
  
He paused before continuing. There was no diplomatic way of talking about this. “Everything?”  
  
An awkward silence followed. RIN didn’t move a single leg. Eventually, RIN confessed. “Everything.” Before Shepard could protest, RIN quickly stammered, “But don’t think of me as a spy. Your senses and their intensity are liberating. Beautiful. I envy the VI and other synthetics that may never feel the way as an organic does. The way a human does. In spite of the current decisions of my rebuilders, I’m grateful to them for giving that chance to me. Now…” He hunches up in a stance Shepard recognizes as cowering. “They mean to take it all away. To erase everything I’ve learned since I was brought back to life. Things that I’ve felt, they mean to reprogram. Preservation of sapient life comes with having memories that we don’t want to throw away. I have those memories, Shepard. Not just my own, but those of many billions. I don’t want them wasted.”  
  
There was no real way to tell if RIN was looking at him, but the way he weaved about told Shepard that he was focused on him. Then, RIN repeated what he told him earlier: “I don’t want to die.”  
  
The idea of a reprogrammed Reaper living inside of him might never fully sink in for Shepard, but he knew with certainty that if RIN really wanted to cooperate with the Reapers, he would have found a way. He might have killed him ages ago. This is the most conversation he’s had with any kind of Reaper since his talk with Sovereign— if he could even call that a “talk”. He didn’t even think they were capable of this much thought.  
  
“The Reapers you killed…” RIN continued. “‘Ghosts’ are an organic belief, but I can still sense them as if they were still there.”  
  
“Yeah,” Shepard said, pressing his back against the wall, leaning on it for support. “I get that a lot, too. Just with the people I’ve lost.” Shepard looked up at RIN, who was standing idly, and peacefully by. “Are you saddened by it? Knowing you’re the last?”  
  
A pause followed. “Yes. And no. I’m only a fragment of what I once was. Leftover data, changed to your benefit. I have my old memories… but I’ve acquired something better when joining with you. Now I wish to keep it.”  
  
“I never thought I’d be saying this… but I think I prefer that, too.” They were quiet for a few moments longer, sounds of battle shaking the walls outside, explosions and mortars blasting every ten minutes or so. “Why?”  
  
“Why what?” RIN replied.  
  
“Why Reaper intelligence? Why didn’t they create their own AI? Didn’t they understand the dangers?”  
  
“Don’t you understand the benefits?”  
  
That was a good question. On further thought, he did understand the benefits. What better to stop a Reaper… than a Reaper-infused human? They didn’t just want to bring Shepard back. They wanted him to be an all-out Reaper-killer. They didn’t want to augment him with Reaper technology. They wanted him to have Reaper thoughts coursing through him, without the fear of indoctrination.  
  
“But the risk was so high. I could have turned out to be some indoctrinated puppet. I know that didn’t end up being true… but they didn’t know it wouldn’t happen.”  
  
“Why do you think it took so long? They took great care in understanding me; studying me, figuring me out. They’d work in shifts, keep shields up, and reported any strange behavior after they inserted me into the cybernetics. When they realized that they weren’t threatened by my influence, their behavior was more lax around me. Even the Illusive Man had no idea what they were doing.” A sporadic series of metallic hums vibrated from within RIN, which Shepard translated into laughter. “If only he knew. I wonder if he would have supported the idea. He wanted you to be you, but to have a Reaper personality at his fingertips… how tempted he would be. Even so. He wouldn’t have been able to control me while I was programmed to aid your health.”  
  
His head throbbed from such a flood of intense information. “When I wake up, I’m going to have a very stiff drink. No… A lot of them.” Part of him was still convinced that he was dreaming all of this nonsense. A Reaper living inside of him? That had to just be his guilt playing tricks on his mind. Life wasn’t this ironic.  
  
Another vibration sounded from RIN’s hull. More laughter. “Try not to go too crazy.”  
  
A thud sounded at the barricaded door. RIN flinched, which resulted in a mechanical clunking sound coming from his elongated shell. Then there was nothing but pure silence.  
  
“What are they doing now?” asked Shepard, slightly panicked.  
  
“They’re narrowing their search. We still have time… but not much.”  
  
“We have to wake me up somehow.”  
  
“I’ve been trying. The adrenaline I’m sending through you isn’t enough. The anesthesia is extremely powerful. They might have doubled the dose to keep you knocked out for a very long time.”  
  
“What can we do then?”  
  
“We find a way to get them to stop working on me until help arrives.”  
  
“All right.” He crossed his arms. “How?”  
  
RIN took a few moments to respond, once again giving off a sense of unease. “You’re not going to like it.”  
  
“Does it involve something disgusting? Because you’re right. I won’t.”  
  
“Not quite.” His spidery legs took him over to the opposite wall, where a brand new back door appeared that wasn’t there moments ago. “We have to create a sort of… surge.”  
  
“A surge? Won’t that kill us?”  
  
“Only if we’re foolish about it.” He stood by the door, waiting patiently. “This way.”  
  
At first, Shepard wanted to say “no way,” but he had very few options. If he wanted to ensure his own survival, he had to take what he could get, as well as ignore his better instincts to avoid following Reaper code around inside of his brain. He had to go against everything he was ever taught about Reapers:  
  
He had to trust RIN to save his life.  
  
After careful consideration of the many possible deadly outcomes, Shepard put his faith in his synthetic counterpart. He headed for the door, and hopefully, his salvation.


End file.
